that you truly forget how much you have always loved to swim.
TYLER KNOTT GREGSON, AMERICAN AUTHOR (1981–)
Since the first edition of our book, we have learned some new lessons that we've added to this second edition. We're excited to introduce you to women who have made comebacks and created remarkable lives. We're excited to share advances in science that have supported many of the lessons we recommended in our first book. And we've added our children's voices by sharing their experiences as they lived the lives we did not order. We hope their hard-earned wisdom will help others. In this edition, you'll also find new chapters on resilience, accompanied by steps and plans for designing a life that brings you joy. To help you in that endeavor, we've expanded the tools, tactics, and lessons on grief and loss.
We are living in the age of empowerment, where the Women's Marches, Time's Up, and MeToo movements show what can happen when women come together to make tomorrow better than today. There is no better time than now to form your own kitchen-table group, whether in person or online, to create a place where women can come together to support one another. This book gives a road map for creating your own group and a framework for sparking your motivation.
WHO ARE WE?
It's ok if you fall down and lose your spark. Just make sure that when you get back up, you rise as the whole damn fire.
ANONYMOUS
Life is a never-ending series of changes—both good and bad, and often indifferent. Together, we've learned to navigate and survive them. You may be thinking: Who are these women? What are their credentials? Well, we are not psychologists (although we have seen a few). We are not self-help experts (although we have read their books). We don't profess to have discovered any ultimate truths. We are simply four women who have banded together to help each other on our journey through life.
Jan Yanehiro says: “My divorce is final and I am gloriously single! The death of my first husband was terribly sad and awful, but I found divorce far worse. I keep saying that the next book I write will be This Is Not the Husband I Ordered. Change creates new opportunity—and a great one landed in my lap when I was asked to start a brand new School of Multimedia Communications for the Academy of Art University in San Francisco. When I accepted the directorship, I said to Elisa Stephens, the president of the university: ‘You know, I'm old and I'm bossy . . . and I can make this happen for you!’ Life is full. If I ever need a safety net, my girlfriends are there and I am grateful.”
Jackie Speier lost her election for Lt. Governor of California by less than three points and ended her term as a state senator. Taking a job in a law firm with a dogged determination to continue in public service, but with no clear path for doing so, Jackie had a “desire versus destiny” moment. She ran for the 14th Congressional District seat in the US House of Representatives and won! “Always expect the unexpected or at least be prepared,” Jackie says. Now serving in her tenth year in the House, Jackie has become a national figure on issues of sexual harassment, gun violence, and attacks upon our democracy by foreign interests.
Michealene Cristini Risley took a trip to Africa—and it wasn't a vacation. She went in search of a story on the terrible plight of young women and children in Zimbabwe. Arrested and interrogated by Zimbabwean officials, Michealene and her crew were imprisoned and then thrown out of the country. She continued her work as a human rights activist and her documentary, Tapestries of Hope, won multiple awards. She is the CEO at Curiosity Ink Media, where she is building media franchises and creating wholesome kids' entertainment. With her husband, Eric, and together with their children, Christopher, Austin, and Dillon, they have realized that home is truly where the heart is.
Deborah Collins Stephens's husband died; then her daughter graduated from college. “I'm learning to live alone after being married for thirty-three years,” she says. When her son, Aaron, married, Deborah walked him down the aisle, gaining a daughter-in-law whom she adores. The sorting through of possessions—moving from a large house into a small bungalow—carried over into her work. “Now, I only choose to spend my time with people and on projects that I truly love,” she says. “I've earned that right!” Deborah continues to consult in leadership development and is an executive coach—but only with women leaders. Why? “Simply because we need more of them and I'm committed to doing my part,” she affirms.
Thank you for reading our book. May you climb into a new life and achieve your dreams. Know that we will be cheering you on.
Deborah Collins Stephens
Michealene Cristini Risley
Jackie Speier
Jan Yanehiro
PREFACE: SLIGHTLY LESS THAN WORST-CASE SCENARIOS
Whether one is twenty, forty, or sixty; whether one has succeeded, failed, or just muddled along; whether yesterday was full of sun or storm, or one of those dull days with no weather at all, life begins again each morning in the heart of a woman.
LEIGH MITCHELL HODGES, POET (1876–1954)
We are simply four women whom destiny threw together. Collectively, we have experienced the extreme joys and deep sorrows that life offers up—from mundane moments to the dramatic and surreal. We have a history of six marriages, one divorce, ten children, four stepchildren, six dogs, two miscarriages, two cats, twelve koi fish, a failed adoption, widowhood, two parakeets, and foster-parenthood. We have built companies, lost companies, and sold companies. One of us was shot and left for dead on the tarmac in South America, and three of us have lived through the deaths of spouses.
We've raised babies and teenagers and are still alive to talk about it. We've had our hearts broken by affairs and mended through our friendships. We've known celebrity and loneliness, along with self-doubt and near financial ruin. We've been caregivers to those who faced terminal illnesses and supporters of those who lost loved ones.
We grew up in less-than-wealthy families, where living paycheck to paycheck was the norm. We've known more wealth than our parents could ever have imagined, and we've lost more money than they ever made! Forced to be creative, we have raised families on bare budgets and at times have been the sole breadwinners when our spouses were unemployed, seriously ill, or dying. In our careers, we've often been the only women at the table. We have taken risks that bet the company, bet the election, and—in some cases—bet the house!
When Bad Things Happen to Smart Women
A reporter once jokingly referred to our collection of misfortunate events as the female version of the book of Job, almost expecting that a hoard of locusts would descend on us at any moment! Yet, we do not view our lives with sadness or remorse. We see them as gifts, filled with events that have helped us develop a razor-sharp sense of what counts and what simply doesn't. Time and again, we have learned to reinvent ourselves. The process of reinvention, we now know, is best managed with humor, friendship, optimism, and a long-lasting high-beam flashlight to see the light at the end of every tunnel.
Among us, there is one commonality: loss. We've experienced the heartbreaking loss of lives, along with the loss of a marriage, a child, of innocence, and of money, stability, and hope. Loss causes formidable transitions that touch every woman at some point. But loss should never be faced
