inside, I felt like a little girl dressing up and playing at these roles, hoping to gain the approval of others.
What changed? A great deal! I turned forty, met a wonderful woman friend who wouldn't let me lie to myself, and, most important, I began to really listen to myself. Each of us has a “still, small voice” inside that speaks to us continuously. The trouble is, we seldom listen. Yet, if we let it, our inner authentic self can guide us unerringly. You, too, can hear the voice inside you that will help you realize you have the courage to become who you really are.
I don't want to imply that I am now “fixed” and never wrestle with low self-esteem, because I do. There are times when I sink into vulnerability and inwardly protest that the consequences of being myself are too harsh and unfair. In reality, all my protests are not inner ones. I'm also prone to groan and moan outwardly and loudly to trusted friends when I'm feeling upset about something. Many of those grump-fests end in laughter, and it's with great relief that I can assure you that my painful stretches are not as long or hard as they once were. Sooner or later the lessons I've learned and the insights I've gained surface and act as a ladder to help me climb out of the pit. Growing through tough times and circumstances becomes easier and easier the more deeply I appreciate the fact that not being myself reaps the most serious consequences.
NOBODY SAID IT WOULD BE EASY
Courage is the willingness to act even when frightened. If we struggle with low self-esteem and have been emotionally dependent on others for a long time, it will be frightening to make independent decisions about our lives that may earn the disapproval of others. The only way to begin is by taking small steps that we can handle. Even a baby step puts us farther forward than no step at all. You'll be quite surprised at how much strength, confidence, and pride you get from tapping one little iota of your hidden inner courage.
Put a three-by-five card on your fridge, mirror, or in your wallet that says: NOBODY SAID IT WOULD BE EASY! Too often, we hold the underlying assumption that things should be easy, that if we face difficult challenges, it means we're somehow bad, or the world is against us. With either a judgmental or victim attitude, we find it all too easy to crumble and never discover how strong and creative we really can be. Change is rarely easy. But avoiding the difficulties in our lives never gives us the chance to conquer fear. When we overcome a fear or face challenges and win, we experience wonderful feelings of accomplishment and mastery.
It's important to free ourselves from the attitude that things should be easy, which only encourages us to resist difficulties. Shun the ain't-it-awful and woe-is-me attitudes in yourself and in other people. Negativity is highly contagious, so if at all possible avoid being around chronically negative people.
COURAGE: AN EVERYDAY ACTUALITY
What exactly is courage? Courage is the ability to do what needs to be done, or feel what needs to be felt, in spite of fear. It's the willingness to risk or act even when we are frightened or in pain.
If you want to gain emotional strength and have more courage, you can. In fact, you already have a great deal of courage. We seldom think much about the courage we exert in simple, “normal” situations: having a baby, going to work day after day, sustaining relationships. It takes courage to fall in love, be honest with ourselves, survive a loss, move away from home, share a fear with a friend, ask for a raise, get a divorce, take on a job that challenges us, grow older, or tell someone when we're angry or hurt. Try writing down a list of things you've done even though you felt afraid. Those were acts of courage. Sometimes just getting up in the morning and proceeding with your life takes tremendous courage.
I hope it's clear by now that we already have courage. Being courageous, and moving toward a fuller realization of our own authentic self, is a natural process. What is it that keeps us from realizing our full, courageous potential? Fear! What do we fear? We fear the unknown, anything that has been painful for us in the past, or anything that feels different and risky.
Actually risk has an entirely different side too. With the right attitude, we can experience risk as exhilarating and creative. Risk is necessary for change, and change is necessary for growth. Growth is inevitable. We will grow, but will it be toward freedom or toward fearfulness? In order to be free, we need to learn to honor our fears but not allow them to control our lives.
Bringing our fears out into the open and talking honestly about them helps us work through them. An unspoken fear grows and gains force becoming much more powerful than one that is shared.
The trouble is, we're afraid to talk about our fears because we think others will see us as too emotional, immature, or foolish. So we keep quiet, thus creating a self-enclosed inner world in which we condemn ourselves for feeling as we do and believe we're the only fearful people we know. Our fear creates crippling isolation. But as we risk voicing our fear and find it accepted gently by others, it loses its power.
THE CO-DEPENDENT CAGE
In the decade since The Courage to Be Yourself was first published, much has been written and taught about emotional dependence, under the name “co-dependence.” While co-dependence is often linked to being in a relationship with someone who is dependent on drugs or alcohol, it is far more pervasive than that. We can be codependent with our husbands, kids, co-workers—even our dog or parakeet.
Being co-dependent means we consistently put others' needs, wants, and demands before our own—in other words, emotional dependence. Instead of gaining our self-esteem, self-motivation, and self-worth from ourselves, we rely on others to provide those feelings for us. Quite a paradox: self as defined by others. When we turn our lives over to someone or something else, we are in a co-dependent cage. In that cage we become drugged by denial and depression.
If you feel that you have even a toe caught in the “co-cage,” muster up your courage and find a friend or group of people who can help you work your way free. Recently I became aware that a dear friend was banging her head against the bars of a destructive marriage. Sadly she's been suffering in silence for several years and has gotten to the point where she fears for her mental and physical health. Although her husband isn't physically violent, his mental assaults are stripping away her emotional well-being and depleting her immune system. As a result, she is almost immobilized by depression and is plagued by illness after illness.
With encouragement from her therapist, myself, and a few friends, she has now broken her silence and is beginning to be honest about her situation. A courageous start. True freedom will be hers when she discovers the best way to escape from the very complicated co-dependent cage she is in.
Serving a life sentence as a co-dependent is tantamount to an emotional death penalty. Breaking out of the co-dependence cage is a life-giving escape. I have every confidence that you and my friend can do it. If I, who spent many years peering through the bars of co-dependence yearning for the freedom of emotional autonomy and independence, can do it, so can you.
FINDING THE WAY TO OURSELVES
We all know now that women have a tendency, in greater or lesser degrees, to be emotionally dependent in their relationships. But how do we free ourselves from the trap and enter into loving partnership instead?
I love the Irish proverb that says, “You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was.” It's true. We will do our own growing eventually, so let's not let fear seduce us
