Stories I'd Tell My Children
(but maybe not until they're adults)
by
Michael N. Marcus
Copyright 2011 Michael N. Marcus,
All rights reserved.
Published in eBook format by Silver Sands Books
Converted by http://www.eBookIt.com
ISBN-13: 978-0-9830-5729-1
All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored or transmitted in any form without permission of the author, except for brief quotations in reviews or articles. Portions of this book were published in the New Haven Register and are published here with permission. Portions were published online. Portions were published in I Only Flunk My Brightest Students: stories from school and real life.
For corrections, questions or comments, please contact Silver Sands Books.
The Team:
Sheila M. Clark is the eagle-eyed editor and fixer-upper, and was Michael’s classmate in Mrs. McGarthy’s room in 1956/57. This is the second book Sheila has edited for Michael, and they’re working together on some more. If you find any errors, Michael says he made them after Sheila did her work, so blame him. Or blame Mrs. McGarthy.
Carina Ruotolo is the cover artist who turns Michael’s visions into reality. Carina and Michael both attended the Paier College of Art. Michael went there when he was in the third grade, for a Saturday program in 1954/55. Carina earned a BFA degree in 2006, and learned to do much more than Michael can do. She’s also a much better artist than Michael is.
Michael Kempf is the front-cover photographer. The man in the photo was originally a white-haired grandpa. Carina used Adobe Photoshop to turn him into a dark-haired daddy.
Reader comments:
•“This may be the funniest book ever! I laughed so hard reading it that the dogs got out of bed and left the room. They forgave me when I read the Cat Lasagna story to them. I haven’t had this much fun in the sack since, well, we won’t go there. You’re a wise man and a wiseass: a winning combination.”
–Barbara Barth, author of “The Unfaithful Widow”
•“I loved the chapter with the three-way sex scene. It seemed very familiar. Was I there?” –Name withheld by request
•“The book is hilarious… really, really funny. I did a spit take and laughed so hard I could barely breathe when I read the “cockroaches with lobster costumes” line. Fucking brilliant! Who knew that you had this much sexual depravity in your past? I’ll never look at you the same way.”
–Christy Pinheiro, author & publisher
•“I knew the lesbian painter. She was a lousy painter but an excellent lesbian. When does the movie come out?” –Wendy Liu
•“Marcus has been threatening to publish this for years. When you read it, you’ll remember when you were young and insane and you won’t stop laughing. Don’t write to Marcus to share your similar experiences. He’s going to be put away with no email.” –Ted Foti
•“A perfect combination of silliness and seriousness. I worked with you in ‘72. You remember everything. I’m glad you didn’t see me doing anything illegal or stupid.” –Susan Weiss
•“I didn’t realize what an A-hole I was back then. If this book wasn’t so funny, I’d sue you for libel. I’ll settle for an autographed copy. Thanks for changing my name.” –Marty Gilbert
•“Every time I start laughing, there’s my husband peering over my shoulder wanting to know what’s so funny. This book is! Michael, your wife is a saint!” –Deborah Slutsky Samuels
PLEASE NOTE: Most of the comments on this page are printed exactly as submitted by readers. Some comments have been slightly edited. A few are complete fabrications written by the author in an effort to entice people to buy books. Please don’t feel deceived. He promises only that the book is at least 80% true. If you do the math, you’ll know that up to 20% could be bullshit.
Also by Michael N. Marcus
Books:
•Internet Hell (2011)
•555 Ways to Make a Better Book (2011)
•Independent Self-Publishing: The Complete Guide (2011)
•Get the Most out of a Self-Publishing Company (2011)
•Avoid the 100 Worst Self-Publishing Misteaks (co-author, 2011)
•Beginner’s Guide to Self-Publishing (2011)
•Easy eBooks (2011)
•Become a Real Self-Publisher (2010)
•Stupid, Sloppy, Sleazy (2010)
•What I Most Wanted to Get Out of School Was Me (2010)
•Phone Systems & Phones for Small Business & Home (2009)
•The AbleComm Guide to Phone Systems (2009)
•Telecom Reference eBook (2009)
•I Only Flunk My Brightest Students (2008)
•What Phone System Should I Buy? (1996)
•CB Bible (co-author, 1976)
Blogs:
•My Final Quarter-Century Above Ground deals with dying and death —with appropriate irreverence.
www.BloggingAboutDeath.blogspot.com
•911 Wackos. Some folks call 911 for strange reasons. Sometimes they get into trouble after the call. Sometimes the 911 operators get into trouble.
•Book Making is where Michael discusses writing, editing and publishing—and other things that interest him or bother him.
www.BookMakingBlog.blogspot.com
•For The First Time (or the last time) talks about changes in society and technology: first toilet paper, last country to get TV, etc.
www.4TheFirstTime.blogspot.com
•Oh How Stupid provides an occasional look at some of the stupidest things done by human beings.
