FORGIVENESS
IS REALLY STRANGE
Masi Noor & Marina Cantacuzino
Art by Sophie Standing
This book is dedicated to all those who have shared their stories and all those who took part in research studies to help illuminate the complex subject of forgiveness.
Forgiveness is really strange.
As human beings we are talented thieves.
We can rob each other of a loved one, a childhood,
a home, a career, dignity, and even an entire future.
How strange then that one way of coping with loss is to give something precious to the very person who was caught red-handedly robbing us.
In fact, how strange to talk about the ‘power’ of forgiveness,
when the forgiving is done by the weak and the injured.
And why do some
victims feel guilt, while
perpetrators often don’t
even feel the need to
say sorry?
Would you forgive in order to live longer?
In this book, we explore all these strange aspects of forgiveness using real-life
stories and scientific research.
What’s your instinctive reaction to being hurt?
Some retreat into silence, like Maya Angelou, who spent 5 years of her childhood not speaking after being sexually abused.
Yet, others become vengeful and devote their entire life to the desire for revenge.
Others use alcohol, drugs or painkillers to numb the pain.
And let’s not forget the small, everyday hurts. Like invisible worms,
they too can eat away at our peace of mind.
Some are totally immobilized by pain. The writer Richard Holloway notes that the ‘shock-waves’ reverberating from trauma and injury have the power to bring our lives to a screeching halt.
In one way or another, hurts and grievances rule our minds. How much mental space are you willing to rent out to your hurts and grievances?
What would a forgiving response look like? Let’s meet the ordinary faces of some extraordinary forgiving:
Do not take revenge in the
name of my son.
This was Robi Damelin’s instinctive response after being told her Israeli soldier son had been killed by a Palestinian sniper.
Choosing forgiveness meant reaching out to include the other so that this would not happen again.
Pardeep Kaleka, whose father was murdered in a racist shooting at a Sikh temple in Wisconsin, USA.
I had numbed out for years, putting myself in a deep freeze, and now I was beginning to defrost.
Madeleine Black, who aged 13 was raped in London by two
American students.
I still almost choke to say I forgive myself…
Kelly Connor, who aged 17
killed an elderly woman in a
road accident. She has been
struggling with self-forgiveness
ever since.
These experiences show that forgiveness can be a spontaneous response...
...or a conscious decision.
You can forgive a perpetrator unconditionally.
Or you may attach strings by demanding an apology or compensation.
Father Michael Lapsley, who lost both his hands in a letter bomb sent by South Africa’s security forces during the apartheid regime, believes reparation is a condition of forgiveness. He says he cannot forgive because ‘no one has been charged with the crime’.
Strangely enough, forgiving ourselves may be harder than forgiving others. In one case, long after serving a prison sentence, a man was still seeking ways to make amends indirectly to his victim. Since his release he has donated over 50 litres of his blood.
Thus, forgiveness comes in many forms and can sometimes feel quite slippery. The American novelist Mark Twain compares it to ‘the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it’.
Forgiving lies somewhere between the chaos of loss and the desire for order that gives meaning to our lives.
Forgiveness can be used to break the cycle of revenge, as it prevents survivors from using their victimhood to victimize others.
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