The Separation Guide. David R. Greig

      In some Mexican tourist destinations, the Customs and Immigration authorities at the airport use a very low-tech method of deciding which visitors will be searched. As travelers near the exit from the airport, they are required to push a large button adjacent to the exit turnstile. The button controls a mechanical device which illuminates a nearby light randomly. It resembles a big indoor traffic light. The light is watched closely by all. About half of the visitors will quite accidentally trip a green light. Their holiday starts immediately. They pass outside the airport and off to vacation spots in pursuit of happy times. The other half will get a red light. Their fun must wait while the family luggage is searched for contraband.

      Marriage is like that. Half of all marriages in North America end in divorce. If you are married now, there’s almost a 50 percent chance that some random event which is about to occur will cause your red light to be illuminated. If that light goes on, then, like the unfortunate traveler, you’ll soon be victimized by an authority figure who will be looking through your underwear. But it won’t be a Mexican Customs officer — it will be your spouse’s lawyer. And the lawyer won’t be looking for contraband — he or she will be looking for anything. Anything at all!

      Here in North America, we’ve been marrying and divorcing with predictable regularity for many decades. You would think that high divorce rates would discourage marriage. Not so. Marriage remains extremely popular. In 2009, the marriage rate for those in the prime reproductive years in the United States was 6.8 per 1,000. The divorce rate? You guessed it: 3.4 per 1,000.

      Couples prefer marriage to simple cohabitation. Although half of all married folk once lived with their spouse (in a common-law relationship prior to the wedding), only 9 percent of all couples in childbearing years tend to cohabit in the absence of wedlock. Marriage is still the preferred eventual course.

      Interestingly, it’s believed that arranged marriages end with divorce rates which are actually slightly lower than the rate for couples who married for love, although there may be cultural explanations for that. We don’t really know, although we believe that marrying for love is just as risky as marrying for other reasons.

      Similarly interesting is the fact that second-timers seem to fare better. The divorce rate amongst persons who have married more than once is about half that of the general population. It may be because being a good spouse is learned behavior. Perhaps spouses learn to get along better with each successive relationship. Or maybe second- and third-timers simply die before they have a chance to divorce. Nobody knows for sure.

      What we do know is that marriage can be a wonderful thing, or it can be hell. There are probably more awful divorce stories than there are happy marriage stories. Everyone knows a tale about how a marriage failed and ended in disaster, causing immeasurable financial loss, trauma for children, and other miscellaneous and irreparable damage. The tales are widespread, and some are even true.

      Just recently, someone asked me for some advice. I suppose he had heard from another person that I was a lawyer, and so he figured he’d tell me about his thoughts on the law. This happens quite a bit, actually. Even though I get the routine with some frequency, I must confess that I’m still amazed every time somebody decides to share his or her law story with me. It’s funny, really — I never want to discuss my sore knee with an acquaintance who’s a surgeon!

      Anyway, the fellow began by explaining to me that he was aware that all men get the “short end of the stick” in divorces, and he wondered if I knew about that. Not actually interested in my answer, he began to wonder (out loud) how I could bear to work in such a corrupt system. Soon, he was telling me about the source of his knowledge (he’d been divorced twice) and he explained that his second wife “got the mine” while he “got the shaft”! He looked at me as though I must surely know the story; I think I was expected to laugh as he said it jokingly. The point is that everybody has a divorce story. Some are funny, some are sad, but few are intrinsically good or happy stories.

      Despite all that, people marry and divorce with predictable frequency. The success and failure of relationships over time has been one of the most prominent and steadfast features of life in North America for at least 50 years. Even though most aspects of our culture have become almost unrecognizable in that same period, the basic concept of marriage remains virtually unchanged.

      This point can be easily understood by thinking about how every feature of our culture and economy has changed. Compare the present-day world to almost any preexisting period. Think what music sounded like at the end of the seventeenth century and compare that to digitally enhanced rap. Think about the way Mickey Mouse appeared in the first Disney show, and then contrast that with the computer-generated creatures in Shrek. Consider the changes to the culture around storytelling and fiction in the days of Shakespearean theater versus film in the twenty-first century. Step outside of culture and think about science and technology from 8-tracks to iPods, carrier pigeons to cell phones, bloodletting to genetics, and horse-drawn carriages to hybrid vehicles. Every aspect of our world has changed radically. However, attend a friend’s wedding and you will immediately see something that really hasn’t changed lately at all.

      Despite all our cultural diversity, the advancement of science and the arts, revolutionary technological and massive ideological changes, marriage is one aspect of our North American way of life which remains almost completely untouched.

      Think about the last wedding you attended. It’s likely the bride wore white and the men wore black. Everybody met on a Saturday, at the church. The parties signed papers, exchanged rings, feasted together, shared speeches, kissed in public, and then the couple went on a honeymoon. It’s pretty much the same in Fort Worth in 2010 as what you’ll see in any version of Robin Hood. With no disrespect to newlywed lovers, almost all weddings are the same.

      Marriage itself has not changed. Yet our perceptions about good and bad marriages have. True, those changes have not been the changes that we’ve seen in science, technology, and communications — but there have been changes.

      For instance, loveless marriage is now almost universally considered intolerable. Spouses leave relationships for more money, better sex, less arguing, or just because they need a change. Husbands and wives seem to “check out” of a relationship more willingly, more easily, and more swiftly, and yet overall divorce rates remain surprisingly static.

      Most significantly, the available statistical data shows that the process for obtaining a divorce, separating assets, dealing with children’s issues, and dividing liabilities and responsibilities remains relatively constant. We still argue, posture, negotiate, hire lawyers, negotiate some

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