The Throwaway Boy. Alix Chapel

       To love a thing means wanting it to live.

      Confucius

       AUTHOR’S NOTE

      All the family names have been changed to protect the privacy and dignity of my husband (except the dog – who couldn’t be anything other than ‘our Ben’). Our friends in Canada, who are mentioned in the book, have all chosen for me to use their real names. All other names, in both Canada and the UK, have been changed. I have also changed the names of the abusers – but not to protect their privacy or dignity.

      Some place names in the UK have been changed. Also please note that the flashback experiences are written based on what both my husband and I remember of those times and our interpretation of those events as seen from that age.

      The order of some events have been changed and some details have been added or changed in order, once again, to protect my husband’s privacy and for editing purposes. Any details of abuse are taken from either my husband’s police statement or from discussions with him and are exactly as my husband remembers them.

       There’s one thing I know for sure We started with minds and hearts so pure There’s something that happens on the way And turns all the colours back to grey

       And you wish and you hope When you’re climbing the slope That the closure you find Will leave it behind And the space that you seek When you’re reaching the peak Will reveal peace of mind When the stars are aligned

       We shine like stars in the wintertime You’re not a throwaway boy You can see it now

      ‘Billy’s Song’ by James K

       ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

      I will start by thanking everyone at John Blake Publishing. Particularly John Blake and Steve Burdett, but especially Elena Tsangarides… for reading the manuscript… believing in it… and passing it on to John.

      Also, I’d like to thank the people who made my childhood what it was. The ‘before’ people… My family: Mum, Dad & sisters; Uncle Hal, Auntie Helen, Catherine and Neale; Uncle Clinton; maternal and paternal grandparents… you’re not all still here, but you’ll still know of my gratitude. And of course my most special friends: Samantha Temple, Deanna Tognela, Leanne Hamilton, Gail Johnson, Krista Hitch (and all of their families!). And not forgetting my best teachers: Barry Robbins and Dave Dunnett. My husband didn’t have people like them in his childhood, so most importantly I want to thank The Divine Power that granted him such an exquisite mind and blessed him with such a resilient psyche – both specifically for him and instrumental in the same way that the above people were for me.

      Some of those aforementioned people were also significant ‘during’ people, along with and especially ‘The Jeffrey Five’, Tracey MacGowan, Marjorie & Bruce Johnson, Katrina Kearley, and all of my ‘Baby Buntings’– in particular, A Thomson, P Inches, M Hartnell, S Johnson, the Mollenhaur sisters, J & T Eason and L Crisp (and all their parents!).

      So stands to reason then that next I want to thank our ‘after’ people. Again, some important ones have already been named, but must include new friends: Christine Schwabe; my darts girls and, in particular, Lesley and Jo; and finally the special members of the exclusive B.B. book club; Samantha Jeffrey – for everything! (before, during and after). And Erin Simpson – for sharing my love of books and writing, for training Our Boy Ben and for seeing that he was a prince among dogs.

      That done, I must give a big thank you to my sister ‘Kate’ and D. Brown. We wouldn’t have been able to make ‘the move’ if it hadn’t been for both of their support. Our life is better because of it. To my brother-in-law, aka James K, you have done so much; it is difficult to know where to start! I will forever be in your debt.

      I would also like to thank everyone who allowed me to quote their lyrics in the book and to include their songs on the NAPAC Un-muted CD. Particularly, the family of Dirk McCray as well as all the members of Lahayna – especially Matt Edun and their manager Paul Cannon.

      On ‘Billy’s’ behalf, thanks to all his new friends from the village. You don’t all know it, but you have been instrumental in his recovery, which in turn has impacted upon both of our lives. Clearly, some people we were simply meant to meet, and none more so than one particular family (who somehow knew exactly the way to support us in their own unique, quiet – yet exactly the right – way). So, thank you to them – for everything, but especially for providing Billy with the best therapist ever!

      Now, special thanks to Keith and Catherine Roberts, and Helen Patton – for ensuring our life in the Northeast is still filled with family support and love. Which naturally leads to heartfelt recognition, and all our best love and gratitude going to Daniel, Susannah and Rosie-Rose – all three of you help to fill the void. Immeasurably. XO

      Family and friends covered, I now simply must continue. I personally want to thank all the Operations across the UK that carried out the Historical Abuse Investigations, in particular, ‘Liam’& ‘Mark’. Thank you both for your professionalism and dedication. At least some paedophiles were brought to justice! Thank you to George Bennett and the Tees, Esk and Wear Valleys NHS Trust, for providing one of the highest levels of mental-health care in the whole country. Huge gratitude must also go to Ady Davies. You were amazing, made the biggest difference… and we miss you. Thank you. Thank you.

      Lastly, but certainly NOT least, a huge thank you to NAPAC, for all that you do for survivors all over the UK. Especially Helen Munt (for all your help with the CD, as well as everything else!). And to Peter Saunders, NAPAC’S Founder/Chief Executive… what can I say? The biggest thank you isn’t enough! I will close by saying, to both of you, bless your heart.