afternoon talking and Kate felt more important in those few hours than she had in years.
In the course of their conversation she learned about his long-distance girlfriend and on hearing that felt crushed and disappointed, but still intrigued by the man who already had someone special in his life and was still interested in her, even if she wasn’t girlfriend material. The more they talked the more she liked him and the more she wanted him in her life, no matter what he had to offer.
And that was exactly what followed. At first they would see each other casually, both studying. Matt was pre-law and she was pre-med, which meant they studied a lot. She got used to him joining her on Saturday and Sunday afternoons at the coffee shop, and even had the confidence to join his table when he arrived there first. The only time she didn’t see him was when he went back to New York for a weekend with his family and girlfriend, though he never talked about the visits and she didn’t ask. They eventually started meeting outside of the coffee shop and beyond studying, until they were together several times a week and spoke on the phone daily.
It was hard for her to understand her feelings. Matt was her first university friend, her first male friend, and eventually her best friend. She didn’t know how to sort out what she felt for him as her friend from what she assumed were normal feelings of attraction any woman would have in Matt’s presence. Part of her was actually relieved to be having the same thoughts and feelings about a man that she had heard other women talking about; it made her feel normal.
One Saturday she didn’t show up at the coffee shop, like she normally did. Even though they didn’t have formal plans to meet, Matt came to her apartment early that afternoon to check on her and see why she had been absent from the routine they had perfected over months. She hadn’t expected that. If she had she wouldn’t have answered the door. Instead she answered the door in jogging pants and an oversized sweater, her face red and swollen from hours of crying. He didn’t let her turn him away and on the eighth anniversary of her mother’s death Kate allowed her emotions to show and cried in front of someone else for the first time since her mother had died.
She couldn’t have asked for more in Matt’s response. He held her until her tears subsided and then listened as she talked about her parents and what she had lost. For the first time her feelings didn’t make her feel weak and helpless. Matt made her feel he understood in his responses and desire to listen. They talked for hours and he discussed his own father’s death, which helped her feel normal and less like the poor orphan she had perceived herself to be. When she was finally spent of emotions and words, she fell asleep on her couch, Matt still sitting at the end. She could remember the strength of his arms around her as he picked her up and carried her to her bed, the tenderness and caring as he laid her down and covered her, and the weight of his lips against her forehead as he kissed her good-night. And her last thought as she drifted to sleep was that she was in love with her best friend.
Kate woke to the darkness of the living room lit only by the soft glow of the end table lamp. She struggled to adjust her eyes to the lighting and the reality of her surroundings. She wasn’t in her old college apartment and the dreams she’d had of her past had been just that, dreams, followed by a harsh reality. She glanced over at the clock on the microwave—four o’clock in the morning. No hope of getting back to sleep, she thought.
She stretched; her neck had a kink in it from falling asleep on the arm of the couch and her legs ached from pushing too hard on her run, but she was also acutely aware of the deep ache and warmth in her pelvis. She could still feel the memory of Matt’s lips against her forehead, his body pressed against hers, and the feel of him wanting her, both past and present. It made no sense. She cringed, thinking about the last time she had felt that need from him and the disaster and complete and utter devastation she had felt afterwards.
Anger overtook her as her feet hit the cold wooden floor and she walked towards her bedroom. She didn’t want to remember every detail of their relationship and that night. She didn’t want to still feel what it was like to be touched by him. She didn’t want to still feel the pain of rejection and betrayal. She didn’t want to feel anything for Matt McKayne.
THIRTY HOURS INTO her shift Kate’s pager blared through her dictation as she described the detailed steps she had taken to resect the necrotic bowel and anastomose the viable segments. She paused in mid-sentence, her usual rhythm interrupted by the reminder tone that followed. She pressed the pager’s recall button and the hospital switchboard extension flashed back at her.
Dread filled her. She was between surgical cases and had two consultations in the emergency department to review. One more interruption and there would be no chance of getting to the washroom between cases. She had long ago given up the hope of eating any time soon and sleep was like a mirage in the desert to her.
She signed off the dictation and dialed the digits she knew by heart.
“It’s Dr. Spence from General Surgery. I have an outside call.”
“Yes, Dr. Spence, I’ll put him through.”
“Kate, it’s Matt, we need to talk.” She had been correct with her feeling of dread. Years ago those words would have changed her world, but now they left her with a sense of foreboding.
“Why are you calling me?” The question didn’t make sense as he had already stated his intentions, but it was the first thought that came to mind. Why? Why was he back?
He sighed and she sensed his impatience. Tough, she thought. “Kate, we need to discuss the details of the case, the sooner the better.”
The case, of course he wanted to talk about the case. How could she have forgotten the lawsuit? It was threatening to destroy her career and now was wreaking havoc on her personal life as well. She had received notification from the New York Medical Board that her medical license for the state was on hold and would not be granted until the lawsuit was resolved. No license meant no hospital privileges, which meant no fellowship for Kate. Everything she had worked for was now in Matt’s hands. Even with that in mind, she wasn’t ready to face Matt again. She couldn’t guarantee he would stick to the script of the present, and the past was too much to add to her fragile state of mind.
“I don’t have any spare time, Matt.” It was true.
“Make time, Kate, or I’ll make it for you.” It didn’t sound like a threat, more like a fact, and something she knew he was capable of following through on. If they lost the lawsuit she was going to find it next to impossible to find employment anywhere else and she couldn’t afford to burn her bridges with the hospital administration who had already warned her they expected her full co-operation.
“I’m not working this weekend.” She dragged the words from herself like a confession.
“Let’s meet Saturday afternoon. Do you have a preferred café you go to?”
No, she thought. There was no place she would prefer to meet with Matt. She needed to keep focused on what his new role was in her life, and the lawsuit. “We can use one of the hospital boardrooms.” She had perfected her professional veneer within the hospital and if she had any hope of maintaining it with Matt, it would be here at the hospital.
“I’ll see you Saturday at two. Goodbye, Kate.” Such a simple word, but it wasn’t goodbye.
Matt strode through the halls of Boston General on his way to meet Dr. Reed. Half of his attention was spent looking for Katie, Kate, the other half trying
