shandy the wasp was on its side, buzzing and flailing. I had the urge to bring the glass down on it, then I was ashamed. I should have said something back. When I got up, I picked up the wasp on the edge of a beer mat and left it to dry in the sun. All the way home I was aware of myself, and my sticky elbow. What each person I passed near the shops and on the road saw when they looked at me, if they did look. I got home and took out the clothes I’d wear tomorrow.
By now I should know not to listen to Katie. I should know not to listen to you, I heard myself tell her at some point in the evening but by then we were both drunk. By now, I said. We thought it was funny. It was her round and she’d come back from the bar with two drinks and two shots of something green.
What the fuck do you think that is? I said. I’m not drinking that.
It’s herbal, she said. She grinned. Come on, you can’t be boring all your life.
I picked up the glass and tilted it about. Does it get the toilet whiter than it’s ever been? I asked.
Wait and see, she said. She knocked hers back. I did the same. My throat burned and my eyes watered. Jesus, I said. She took it as a compliment.
Thursday night, she said. It’s the best time.
I work on Fridays, I said.
Half day, she said, which was true.
Why can’t we just go out on a Friday, or at the weekend? I said.
I’ll tell you everything when I see you, she said.
She always wants to go somewhere different, whichever is the new best place. You wouldn’t think there’d be so many, but she always knows – from someone at work, or someone she’s met out. This time we were in a vodka bar off Tombland.
This place is all right, I said. It was black inside, with chrome railings, and high seats at tall tables. At the bar there were groups of girls ordering pitchers of cocktails. The music was loud.
She nodded. I do salsa here on Tuesdays, she said.
Salsa? You do salsa now?
I’m going to start zumba, she said. You should try it. It’s a real laugh. She eyed me. You need to do new stuff, Claire. Shake things up. It’s like life’s –
It’s like life’s what?
She stirred her mojito and looked at me. Oh, just a sec Claire, she said. She checked her phone and started replying to a text. I watched her strong, toned arms, and the way she sat.
She put down the phone. What was I saying? she asked. Her eyes were vague.
It’s like life – I said.
She focused on me. It’s good to shake things up, Claire, she said. Change things.
Oh yeah, I said. You know me. Change, I love it.
I’d made an effort. I was wearing a dress, boots, eyeliner. I’d done my hair. I still felt invisible. The way she held herself, and her clothes, it was like she expected attention. And she got it. We were at a table near the door and all the men who passed looked at us quickly, a rush of cold air as the door opened, and then back at her as it closed.
She’s always been this way. Not just with men, but always changing, on the move, rushing from one thing to another. She talked fast, ate fast, gulped her words down. Never had to wear a coat because she ran everywhere. That Katie’s a hasty one, Nan used to say. Is she on her way to the moon?
So what’s your news? I asked.
She’d met a man, at the accountancy firm. Maybe that’s when she changed, I was thinking as she talked, after she did that course, and got her job in reception. New clothes, work, men. This one’s name is Graham.
He’s older, she said. He has his own house. Near Angel Road. He’s got a son, Sean, he’s seventeen. Graham’s divorced. He’s nice, she said. He takes me out for dinner, or we go bowling. It’s nice to actually do stuff. For someone to make an effort, you know?
It sounds great, I said. I felt sad, as though things were leaving me behind. Oh, I like your hair, by the way, I said. It suits you.
Thanks! I think I might go blonde again, though, soon. She shook it out, dark brown strands. The last time I saw her it was red. When we were young her hair was light brown, mousy Nan called it. Katie started dyeing it when we were fourteen or fifteen.
Do you fancy going for a bit of a dance? she asked.
Maybe in a bit. Hey, I said, Jason said Mum called.
Oh, really? she said. Hang on, just a minute. Sorry, Claire. She stopped to check her phone. Graham wants to go away for the weekend, she said. Up to the coast.
That’s nice, I said. I wish Mum would leave me alone.
Katie made a face. Maybe it’s time to put water under the bridge, Claire, do you think? It’s been a while.
Seventeen years, I said.
Katie changed. Her mouth became tight and angry, and her voice went nagging. Well, you always had to be special, didn’t you, she said. You think you’re better than other people.
Jesus, I said, don’t.
She shrugged. Well, she said. You had your Nan. I ran into your mum the other day, by the way.
What? You didn’t tell me. When?
Um, I can’t remember. It was near Anglia Square. I was walking through on my way to Graham’s. Evening time. She said hello to me, Hello Katie. I said hello, how are you, and all that stuff.
How did she look?
Kind of the same, a bit smaller, her hair was whiter. I see her now and again, I bump into her. Once a year, something like that. It’s not a big place, is it?
No, I said. I’m always surprised I don’t run into them more. Maybe it’s meant to be.
Katie rolled her eyes. Claire, she said. She leaned forward on her elbows. Why don’t you do something different? Leave that job. Do something new.
Like what? I don’t have any experience.
You could train. You could get some.
Doing what?
It’d be better paid.
This is a good job, I said. I mean, it’s solid.
She shook her head. Then she told me more about Graham, and Sean. Sean was getting to like her, she said. He lived with his mum, but Graham was hoping when Sean went to university he’d spend more of
