collecting rent from everybody in it.
Seeing the Tar Baby, Brer Rabbit tipped his hat. “Good morning! Nice day, ain’t it? Of course, any day I wake up and find I’m still alive is a nice day far as I’m concerned.” He laughed at his joke, which he thought was pretty good. (Ain’t too bad if I say so myself.)
Tar Baby don’t say a word. Brer Fox stuck his head up out of the ditch, grinning.
“You deaf?” Brer Rabbit asked the Tar Baby. “If you are, I can talk louder.” He yelled, “How you this morning? Nice day, ain’t it?”
Tar Baby still don’t say nothing.
Brer Rabbit was getting kinna annoyed. “I don’t know what’s wrong with this young generation. Didn’t your parents teach you no manners?”
Tar Baby don’t say nothing.
“Well, I reckon I’ll teach you some!” He hauls off and hits the Tar Baby. BIP! And his fist was stuck to the side of the Tar Baby’s face.
“You let me go!” Brer Rabbit yelled. “Let me go or I’ll really pop you one[27].” He twisted and turned, but he couldn’t get loose. “All right! I warned you!” And he smacked the Tar Baby on the other side of its head. BIP! His other fist was stuck.
Brer Rabbit was sho’ nuf mad now. “You turn me loose or I’ll make you wish you’d never been born.” THUNK! He kicked the Tar Baby and his foot was caught. He was cussing and carrying on something terrible and kicked the Tar Baby with the other foot and THUNK! That foot was caught. “You let me go or I’ll butt you with my head.” He butted the Tar Baby under the chin and THUNK! His head was stuck.
Brer Fox sauntered out of the ditch just as cool as the sweat on the side of a glass of ice tea. He looked at Brer Rabbit stuck to the Tar Baby and laughed until he was almost sick.
“Well, I got you now,” Brer Fox said when he was able to catch his breath[28]. “You floppy-eared, pom-pom-tailed good-for-nothing! I guess you know who’s having rabbit for dinner this night!”
Brer Rabbit would’ve turned around and looked at him if he could’ve unstuck his head. Didn’t matter. He heard the drool in Brer Fox’s voice and knew he was in a world of trouble[29].
“You ain’t gon’ be going around through the community raising commotion anymore, Brer Rabbit. And it’s your own fault too. Didn’t nobody tell you to be so friendly with the Tar Baby. You stuck yourself on that Tar Baby without so much as an invitation. There you are and there you’ll be until I get my fire started and my barbecue sauce ready.”
Brer Rabbit always got enough lip for anybody and everybody[30]. He even told God once what He’d done wrong on the third day of Creation. This time, though, Brer Rabbit talked mighty humble. “Well, Brer Fox. No doubt about it. You got me and no point my saying that I would improve my ways[31] if you spared me.”
“No point at all,” Brer Fox agreed as he started gathering kindling for the fire.
“I guess I’m going to be barbecue this day.” Brer Rabbit sighed. “But getting barbecued is a whole lot better than getting thrown in the briar patch.” He sighed again. “No doubt about it. Getting barbecued is almost a blessing compared to being thrown in that briar patch on the other side of the road. If you got to go, go in a barbecue sauce. That’s what I always say. How much lemon juice and brown sugar you put in yours?”
When Brer Fox heard this, he had to do some more thinking, because he wanted the worst death possible for that rabbit. “Now that I thinks on it, it’s too hot to be standing over a hot fire. I think I’ll hang you.”
Brer Rabbit shuddered. “Hanging is a terrible way to die! Just terrible! But I thank you for being so considerate. Hanging is better than being thrown in the briar patch.”
Brer Fox thought that over a minute. “Come to think of it, I can’t hang you, ’cause I didn’t bring my rope. I’ll drown you in the creek over yonder.”
Brer Rabbit sniffed like he was about to cry. “No, no, Brer Fox. You know I can’t stand water, but I guess drowning, awful as it is, is better than the briar patch.”
“I got it!” Brer Fox exclaimed. “I don’t feel like dragging you all the way down to the creek. I got my knife right here. I’m going to skin you!” He pulled out his knife.
Brer Rabbit’s ears shivered. “That’s all right, Brer Fox. It’ll hurt something awful, but go ahead and skin me. Scratch out my eyeballs! Tear out my ears by the roots! Cut off my legs! Do whatnsoever[32] you want to with me, Brer Fox, but please, please, please! Don’t throw me in that briar patch!”
Brer Fox was convinced now that the worst thing he could do to Brer Rabbit was the very thing Brer Rabbit didn’t want him to do. He snatched him off the Tar Baby and wound up his arm like he was trying to throw a fastball past Hank Aaron[33] and chunked that rabbit across the road and smack dab in the middle of the briar patch.
Brer Fox waited. Didn’t hear a thing. He waited a little longer. Still no sound. And just about the time he decided he was rid of Brer Rabbit, just about the time a big grin started to spread across his face, he heard a little giggle.
“Tee-hee! Tee-hee!” And the giggles broke into the loudest laughing you’ve ever heard.
Brer Fox looked up to see Brer Rabbit sitting on top of the hill on the other side of the briar patch.
Brer Rabbit waved. “I was born and raised in the briar patch, Brer Fox! Born and raised in the briar patch!” And he hopped on over the hill and out of sight.
Brer Rabbit Gets Even
About a week later Brer Rabbit decided to visit with Miz Meadows and the girls. Don’t come asking me who Miz Meadows and her girls were. I don’t know, but then again, ain’t no reason I got to know. Miz Meadows and the girls were in the tale when it was handed to me, and they gon’ be in it when I hand it to you. And that’s the way the rain falls on that one.
Brer Rabbit was sitting on the porch with Miz Meadows and the girls, and Miz Meadows said that Brer Fox was going through the community telling how he’d tricked Brer Rabbit with the Tar Baby. Miz Meadows and the girls thought that was about the funniest thing they’d ever heard and they just laughed and laughed.
Brer Rabbit was as cool as Joshua when he blew on the trumpet ’round the walls of Jericho. Just rocked in the rocking chair as if the girls were admiring his good looks.
When they got done with their giggling[34], he looked at them and winked his eye real slow. “Ladies, Brer Fox was my daddy’s riding horse for thirty years. Might’ve been thirty-five or forty, but thirty, for sure.” He got up, tipped his hat, said, “Good day, ladies,” and walked on off up the road like he was the Easter Parade.
Next day Brer Fox came by to see Miz Meadows and the girls. No sooner had he tipped his hat than they told him what Brer Rabbit had said. Brer Fox got so hot[35] it was all he could do to keep from biting through
I’ll really pop you one – (
was able to catch his breath – (
was in a world of trouble – (
always got enough lip for anybody and everybody – (
would improve my ways – (
what’nsoever – (
Hank Aaron – Хэнк Аарон, знаменитый американский бейсболист второй половины XX в.
got done with their giggling – (
got so hot – (
