college president was called upon to respond to a toast. In the course of his remarks, wishing to pay a compliment to the ladies present, and designating the paintings with one of his characteristic gestures, he said: "What need is there of these painted beauties when we have so many with us at this table?"
She Had Him That Time
It was the same old story of a man who refused to tell his wife the outcome of a business transaction in which, naturally, she took a deep interest.
"No," he sneered, "I won't tell you. If I did you'd repeat it. You women can never keep a secret."
"John," said the woman quietly, "have I ever told the secret about the solitaire engagement ring you gave me eighteen years ago being paste?"
Necessity: Not Choice
A woman hurried up to a policeman at the corner of Twenty-third Street in New York City.
"Does this crosstown car take you down to the Bridge toward Brooklyn?" she demanded.
"Why, madam," returned the policeman, "do you want to go to Brooklyn?"
"No, I don't want to" the woman replied, "but I have to."
Mr. Beecher's Prescription
A country clergyman once called on Mr. Beecher and asked his advice about what to do with persons who go to sleep in church.
"Well," said Mr. Beecher, "I'll tell you what I do. When I first came to Plymouth Church I gave the sexton strict orders that if he saw any person asleep in my congregation he should go straight to the pulpit and wake up the minister."
A Recipe for a Bridal Couple
It was on a train going through Indiana. Among the passengers was a newly-married couple, who made themselves known Co such an extent that the occupants of the car commenced passing sarcastic remarks about them. The bride and groom stood the remarks for some time, but finally the latter, who was a man of tremendous size, broke out in the following language at his tormentors: "Yes, we're married—just married. We are going one hundred and sixty miles farther, and I am going to 'spoon' all the way. If you don't like it you can get out and walk. She's my violet and I'm her sheltering oak."
During the remainder of the journey they were left in peace.
Both of the Same Kind
A lady stepped from the Limited Express at a side station, on a special stop order. To the only man in sight she asked:
"When is the train for Madison due here, please?"
"The train went an hour ago, ma'am: the next one is to-morrow at eight o'clock."
The lady in perplexity then asked:
"Where is the nearest hotel?"
"There is no hotel here at all," replied the man.
"But what shall I do?" asked the lady. "Where shall I spend the night?"
"I guess you'll have to stay all night with the station agent," was the reply.
"Sir!" flashed up the lady, "I'd have you know I'm a lady."
"Well," said the man as he strode off, "so is the station agent."
"Follow the Leader"
A young curate was asked to take a Sunday-school class of girls of eighteen or nineteen years each, which had formerly been taught by a lady. The young clergyman consented, but insisted upon being properly introduced to the class. The superintendent accordingly took him to the class for this purpose and said:
Конец ознакомительного фрагмента.
Текст предоставлен ООО «ЛитРес».
Прочитайте эту книгу целиком, купив полную легальную версию на ЛитРес.
Безопасно оплатить книгу можно банковской картой Visa, MasterCard, Maestro, со счета мобильного телефона, с платежного терминала, в салоне МТС или Связной, через PayPal, WebMoney, Яндекс.Деньги, QIWI Кошелек, бонусными картами или другим удобным Вам способом.
