Think that was a bad move.’
Sarah—‘Er, yes. That probably was a bad move.’
Kim—‘No probably about it, Sarah. Bad move. No man can take that. Why the hell did you tell him then? Why not before you got married? Why ever?’
Sarah—‘I wanted to wipe the slate clean. I wanted him to know that if he ever tried to withhold sex from me again I would betray him. I also wanted to tell him just in case John turned up on our doorstep when we got back from honeymoon and said, “Oh, hello, you must be Paul. Well, I’m John, and I’ve been fucking your fiancée. Just thought you should know.” You know—that sort of thing.’
Kim—‘So you wanted to save his pride? And sacrificed yourself and your chance of happiness to do that?’
Sarah—‘Yes. I didn’t want John to have the satisfaction of humiliating Paul.’
Kim—‘So you did it instead?’
Sarah—‘Yes. But at least it was one on one.’
Kim—‘At Raffles? In Singapore?’
Sarah—‘Yes, over a candlelit dinner.’
Kim—‘On the third night of your honeymoon?’
Sarah—‘Yes.’
Kim—‘You told him about John?’
Sarah—‘Yes.’
Kim—‘And the abortion?’
Sarah—‘Yes. But I also gave him the opt-out clause. I told him if he wanted to annul the marriage then and there he could do so.’
Kim—‘You wanted out then, Sarah. That’s why you told him. You wanted out then. You just couldn’t do it yourself. Problem was, neither could he. Not then, anyway.’
Sarah—‘I realise I’ve betrayed him, Kim.’
Kim—‘Yes, but what’s more important is that by staying with him, Sarah, by marrying him, having his child, you’ve betrayed yourself.’
We sit in silence again. I think about what Kim’s just said. I love her clarity of thought. My thoughts are clouded by my feelings. When I’m with her I realise how much my anger, my fear, my pride have clouded my reason for such a long time. How I’ve become immune to the hurt, as though the emotional bruises are now an integral part of me. They have been there for such a long time. My feelings of self-contempt and wanting to do the right thing are so strong. I’ve always thought staying with Paul is the right thing to do—when I know, have always known, it’s not. But now there’s Ben. Little Ben. And it’s not his fault that this has happened. And I’ve got to protect him. And think of him. And think of myself.
Sarah—‘You’re right, Kim. Of course you’re right. But you’re not on the inside. I am. And I can’t see this the way you can. Without the emotion.’
Kim—‘Without what emotion? You can’t think straight because you’re angry and upset and perhaps a bit guilty, but also probably because you’re not eating enough and can’t think straight. You don’t love this man, Sarah.’
Sarah—‘I think I do.’
Kim—‘Well, I think you think you do, if you get me. But I don’t think you do. I think you’re proud and jealous and want to do the right thing, even if it’s not the right thing for you. And Paul has never been the right thing for you. Paul treats you like a child. He’s become your daddy and he just wants to control you. And now he resents you for it. He’s a controlling bugger, Sarah. Get out of this marriage now. He’s done you a favour. And if there is a she, which there may be, I think she’s done you a favour, too.’
Sarah—‘I’ve got to try to save the marriage, Kim. Even if it’s just for Ben’s sake.’
Kim—‘You should only try for your sake, so at least you can look back and say you did try and won’t always wonder if perhaps, maybe, it could have worked. Ultimately, you must make your own decisions and your own mistakes. That’s the way everyone learns in life. Not through other people’s mistakes. But take it from me, as a friend who knows and loves you for all your faults, you married a man who doesn’t know and love you for all your faults, Sarah. And he isn’t your friend anymore.’
We don’t talk through dessert. I sit and think. Kim lets me while she eats both apple pies and then complains of indigestion.
Duncan walks over to our table with the bill. Kim grabs it.
Kim—‘I think I should pay for this one. I’ve eaten most of it.’
Sarah—‘Thank you, Kim. I’m very lucky to have you as a friend.’
Kim—‘Bollocks. We’re lucky to have each other as friends. You’ve helped me through shit in the past. Perhaps this is my time to pay back. I’ve seen this coming for a long time. It’s what you need.’
Sarah—‘I haven’t asked a thing about you. How is Jamie?’
Kim—‘Oh, Jamie is fine. He’s working on a merger. He’s floating the company and it’s taking up all his energy and time, and I wish he could spend more time with me. But he can’t. You know. The usual.’
Sarah—‘He’s lucky to have you. You’re wonderful and special.’
Kim—‘I know. I tell him that all the time—usually just before I go down on him. He always agrees. Usually because I threaten to bite if he doesn’t.’
Sarah—‘I haven’t gone down on Paul for years. Forgotten what it looks like. Well, erect anyway.’
Kim—‘Probably small. He has a big house, big car, oversized ego and bank account. Say no more.’
Sarah—‘It always was small. But having a child doesn’t help. I’m not as, well, tight as I used to be. I’ve been doing those exercises. The ones with the pencil. But I don’t want to get lead poisoning.’
Kim laughs.
Kim—‘His penis is about the size of a pencil, is it? Oh, well. You’re missing nothing, then.’
We get up. Duncan comes over to say goodbye and gives me a hug, whispering.
Duncan—‘You look thin, Sarah. Hope everything is okay. Your friend is a pig.’
And smiles.
Duncan—‘Thank you. Lovely to see you.’
Kim—‘I don’t think your waiter friend likes me.’
Sarah—‘He likes your appreciation of his food. And your curly pink tail.’
Kim—‘Hug, then.’
We stand outside Circle and hug for five seconds. I start to sob again, very quietly, so my body shakes and aches. I have this feeling of dread, of something being just round the corner, that makes me feel faint and ill. And I can’t fast-forward this bit of my life. I’ve
