came. My parents are livid.” Before I could answer, we were off again, passing door after numbered door until she stopped and opened one with a key. That’s what she hugged her sorority sister for, I thought as she pulled me inside the room.
That was the last coherent thought I had for some time. Livy sat on the edge of the bed and held me before her, working at my belt, then freed me with an exhalation of satisfaction and enclosed me again in an infinitely warmer place. Receiving this sort of attention from a woman wearing an eighteen-thousand-dollar gown is quite an experience, enough to obliterate consciousness. As I felt myself crossing the point of no return, she drew back and said, “My turn,” then pulled me down to my knees, kissed me, lifted the jeweled hem of that dress, and lay back on the bed.
Her undergarments were surprisingly simple considering the dress worn over them, and I removed them with a surreal sense of wonder. She tasted as she always had—clean and coppery—and she climaxed almost instantly, as though she’d been poised on a cliff, preparing for a long dive, with only a slight push needed to send her over. The ululations that escaped her throat drove me into a state of primitive arousal. I reared up over her, but she held me away and said, “No. The dress.” While I stared in amazement, she stood, turned around, and guided my fingers to an invisible line of eyelets that ran along her spine. There must have been two hundred of them, and each had to be unhooked before the dress would free her. While I worked at the hooks, Livy reached back and worked at me, and after a seeming eternity, eighteen thousand dollars of Leo Marston’s money hit the cheap hotel carpet with a haughty rustle.
She lifted the dress off the floor and laid it carefully across the table by the window. Then she stood before me with a pride I have seen in no other woman, supremely secure, elegant even without clothes. The bitterness that had tortured our families was nowhere in her eyes. There was only us. She reached past me and pulled the coverlet off the bed, then took both my hands and pulled me onto the sheet, kissed me deeply, and lay back, pulling me across her. I supported my weight on my arms and peered into her eyes, which were wide open and glowing with desire. She caressed my nipples with her fingers, the hint of a smile on her lips. When my breath went shallow, she slid her hands down to my waist, pulled me between her legs, and whispered, “Make love to me.”
In that moment I became almost preternaturally aware of the ball in the next building, missing its queen now, the guests like hundreds of planets and moons whirling through space without their sun. I could feel the anxiety of the quarterback, the puzzlement of Livy’s parents, the confusion of her sorority sisters. Their sun was here, in this dark room, unclothed, aroused, wanting me.
But she didn’t, really. Not the way I wanted her to. She wanted me, yes, but she also wanted Virginia and her quarterback and her parents’ admiration and a thousand things besides. She wanted me for those few minutes, in that context, while I filled some discomfiting space in the puzzle of how she saw herself in her sheltered little universe. The first glimmer of this knowledge cut me to the bone. Despite all that had happened between our fathers, I loved her. I wanted her in the way most women dream of being wanted. Till death do us part. She wanted me for the night. The way I’d wanted girls before. Utterly and completely until my passion was spent, and then not at all. She wanted me to fill her with myself, and by so doing, make myself less. She would own me then, in a way, without ever having to bother with me again. She would nullify the past and move on. She should have whispered “Fuck me”—not “Make love to me”—because that was what she meant. This realization terrified me, and it taught me more about what it was to be female than I would learn in all the rest of my life.
“I can’t,” I said, looking down at her with secret horror.
She reached between us and squeezed the rigid evidence to the contrary, pressed me against her sex, her eyes triumphant. For an instant—for the only time in my life—I felt the urge to rape, to plunge inside her with all the violence I could muster and pound against her womb until she could stand no more. But even that would have been her victory. She would, I suspect, have enthusiastically endured my most violent onslaught, reached a slightly more intense orgasm than usual, and then subsumed my rage and sadness into her with my seed, leaving her serene and content. That is the superiority of a woman unencumbered by love.
I could do only one thing to save myself, and I did it. I climbed off of her and began to dress. From the expression on her face, I was the only man who had ever done this, at least for any reason other than performance anxiety. And I was doing it because I loved her. She stared wordlessly at me, unable to believe I was doing what her eyes told her I was, even when I buttoned my tuxedo trousers and walked to the door.
“What are you doing?” she asked finally, her voice hoarse with confusion.
I couldn’t see her clearly at that distance, so I focused instead on the white dress, which lay across the table like a fallen battle flag in the darkness, an artifact of a secret engagement no one would ever record. “Saving my soul,” I said.
“What about my dress?” she asked, hysteria creeping into her voice. “I can’t put it on by myself.”
“You’ll think of something.”
And she did. She reappeared at the ball a half hour later, looking no worse for wear, and I’m certain that the UVA quarterback got the lay of his life later that night, without ever knowing why. I didn’t tell my date what had happened, but when I took her home, she kissed me fervently and pushed my hands into her dress. I resisted at first, but she pressed me against her until I gave in to the moment. We spilled out of the car onto the grass and made love recklessly and fiercely beside her parents’ house, until all I had withheld from Livy sluiced from me in an annihilating rush. I did not love that girl, but that was all right. She knew I didn’t, and she wanted me anyway.
“Where are you, Penn?”
I blink myself to the reality of Liberty Road, startled to find Livy beside me, her hand in mine. She looks scarcely older than she did on the night of that ball.
“Nowhere good,” I reply, steering the Fiat around a hairpin turn. This road was old when Mississippi became a territory in 1798, and it has settled deep into the earth over the centuries. The dirt banks rise higher than the car, and in some places the limbs of oaks meet high above our heads.
“What are you really doing in Natchez?” Livy asks.
“I thought you said no questions.”
She refills my styrofoam cup and passes it to me. “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”
“Annie’s having a tough time getting over Sarah’s death. I couldn’t help her. My mother has already worked wonders with her.” I sweep around another turn, passing a cement truck like it’s standing still. “What are you really doing here?”
“Visiting my mother. I told you that.” Livy points to our right. “There’s the turn.”
I swing the Spyder off the pavement and into deep gravel that quickly shallows to ruts as thick pine forest closes around us.
“The next turn’s easy to miss,” she reminds me.
Twenty years ago, a dirt oil-field road led to the Cold Hole. Some lucky wildcatter hit a well not fifty yards from the pool, and while this damaged the aesthetic of the place, the pool itself remained pure and clear. Surrounded by a jungle of cypress trees, dense fern, and a carpet of lily pads, it remained an essentially secret place, where time and society held no sway. Summer after summer adolescents reenacted the eternal rites there, clothed and naked, drunk and sober, but always defiantly, totally alive. A plank walkway led across the lily pads to the edge of the clear water, and high
