fact-findin’ trip to the f-in’ zoo instead?”’).
Aardvark attracted chiefly a female clientele. Men, by and large, were impressed by Abacus Builders and Plumbers Ltd (‘To this day, I still don’t really understand what an Abacus is. No word of a lie, Helen. Apparently it looks something like a kid’s toy.’).
Three adverts out of the initial four (which – all things considered – was pretty impressive), but ‘pole position’ (as Harvey would have it) remained in the vice-like grip of Garry Spivey, genial (if iron-fisted) proprietor of A Priori Builders Ltd.
Spivey’s apparently effortless alphabetical ascendancy rendered Harvey (his deeply competitive runner-up) almost incontinent with rage. In fact it was the very first subject he’d interrogate prospective clients on (through a highly unconvincing mask of subterfuge and bullshit…‘Just a couple of last things, Sir, to help out the suits in our Marketing Department…’) before he’d even contemplate contracting to work for them.
Isidore (and Elen) were no exception –
Harvey (cornering Dory while Elen went off to make some coffee): So how’d you actually get to hear about Abacus?
Isidore: The phone book.
Harvey (in tones of some surprise): Not a personal recommendation, then?
Isidore: No.
Harvey (rapidly removing a smart-looking electronic palm from his pocket and scribbling everything down on to it with a tiny, metal pen): That’s interestin’, very interestin’…
Isidore: I just looked you up in the building section.
Harvey (still scribbling): Is that so?
Isidore: Yes.
Harvey: And Abacus was the first firm you tried?
(The conversation is briefly interrupted at this point by a phone call in which Harvey is heard to tell his interlocutor: ‘I don’t know, mate, but it might be septicaemia. Yeah. Heel blister. Curse of the new trainer…Nah. ‘Course I can’t spell the fucker. I ain’t a soddin’ doctor. Tell him it’s blood poisonin’. It’s the same thing, yeah? Tell him to have a bloody heart, mate. This is Life or fuckin’ Death, ya with me?’)
Harvey (slotting the phone away – Isidore noticed, idly, that it was the blue Nokia): So you was tellin’ me about how you initially came to contact us at Abacus…
Isidore: Yes. The phone book.
Harvey (almost presuming): And we was the first firm you liked the look of?
Isidore (jocular): Well I was hardly going to place all my trust in AAABuilders, now, was I?
(No perceptible response from Harvey to this crushing piece of rhetoric)
Harvey: So Abacus was the first?
Isidore: Yes…(sudden pause), actually, no. I believe yours was the second company I tried…
Harvey (his ears pricking): Oh yeah?
Isidore: Yes. But the first place I rang was engaged.
Harvey: I see. And you wouldn’t happen to…?
Isidore (without hesitation): A Priori.
Harvey (in ominous tones): Ah (Harvey grimaces as he scribbles – all the more violently – on to his palm).
Isidore (craning his neck over towards the palm, slightly concerned): Is that thing actually working?
Harvey (still scribbling frantically): What thing?
Isidore: The palm. I don’t think you’ve turned it on.
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