what do I do now?’
‘We say that it was your decision to leave. That you’re pursuing other projects. You’ve had enough of getting up at a ridiculous time in the morning. You’re thankful for the experience, blah-blah-blah, and that you wish Keera every success with one of the best jobs in television.’
‘And then what do I do?’
‘You lie low until we get you another job.’
Jim ended the phone conversation and went back to bed.
‘Who was that?’ asked his girlfriend.
‘Katie Fisher.’
‘Oh, right. She in a state?’
‘She sounded all right. Pissed off. But she’s level headed. I suspect she’ll go to ground for a bit. Hopefully, we can sort something out pretty quickly. Although at the moment there’s nothing around that’s even remotely in her ballpark.’
Had he seen Katie at that moment, he wouldn’t have felt quite so sanguine. She had looked over the Cliff of the Television Career and seen the River of Smiling Through Gritted Teeth running down to the Sea of Z-list Parties and the Desert of Invitations. And had set about what was left of the bottle of whisky. Who gives a toss what time it is? she thought. I’m on Barbados time and the sun is so far over the yardarm there it’s almost … oh … last night. Who cares? I can have as many lie-downs, lie-ins, or whatever, as I want from now until I die alone in a shed and get eaten by cats.
Was there anyone she should be phoning? Her fuzzy brain sorted through the Rolodex of Very Important People, Important People and Other People.
People. What a weird word. Pee-pull. Pull-pee. Imp-potent pee-pull.
She closed her eyes.
‘To sleep. Perchance to dream.’ What a weird word. Perchance. Perch-aunts. Puh.
She woke up a few hours later, suddenly aware that the answerphone was going mad. She turned over on the sofa, feeling woozy and peculiar. She had twenty-four messages. The news was obviously out.
She would stay in.
The intercom buzzed. Katie went to pick up its phone, chewing her lip. ‘Yes,’ she said gruffly.
‘Katie Fisher?’
‘Sorry, she’s still on holiday.’
‘When will she be back?’
‘I don’t know. She may be out of the country for a while.’
‘Are you a friend?’
‘House-sitting. Must go. I’ve got a … got a – got a lithp,’ she said limply. She hung up.
So, the press had wasted no time. They were outside her front door. At least one of them, anyway. Wanting to see her depressed and miserable having been booted off the sofa to make way for a younger woman the size and shape of a whippet.
She felt wretched and ugly.
She drank one and a half litres of water and ate some chocolate Brazils she’d found at the back of a cupboard, left over from Christmas. She did three sit-ups and phoned Jim.
‘Jim Break.’
‘It’s Katie again.’
‘I assume you’ve heard my message that they’ve released a statement?’
‘I’ve got twenty-four calls on my phone that I’ve no intention of listening to at this stage. Where did you say my career was going from here?’
‘I told them what we’d agreed. Other projects. When they asked what they were I said there were a number in the pipeline and that we couldn’t discuss them until they were further along the production route.’
‘So, basically they know I’ve got nothing to go to?’
‘Katie, if you’d listened to me instead of becoming more and more convinced of your own unassailable position, we wouldn’t be in this position now,’ he said acerbically. ‘I warned you that you were on dodgy ground. That even The Boss told me you needed to sort out the jokes. That you were going to have to do more publicity, get yourself in the papers, generate a buzz. But you decided you were going to keep your job by being good at your interviews. Like, who gives a flying fox that you managed to stitch up the home secretary with his general amnesty for thieves or whatever the hell it was? Who gives two shakes of a limp knob whether you can hold your own with some two-bit actor or comedian? You’re too clever by half. And there’s Mike, who’s handsome, well turned out –’
‘Uncultured.’
‘They don’t care. He comes across as nice. His jokes may not be particularly funny either, but at least they understand them. Yours are sometimes so far off the planet they’re nearing the heliosphere and heading towards the last-known solar system in the universe. I told you you needed to get more real. Take a leaf out of Mike’s book and sound shocked that anyone could pay more than twenty quid for a pair of shoes, that you couldn’t imagine anything more boring than reading a book, that your idea of a good night in is watching back-to-back soaps, while eating chicken curry and a packet of Penguins. But no. You’d talk about your opera, your books, your obscure European cinema – and you kept on with the jokes, like that one about Nietzsche.’
‘Finding my own Nietzsche in the philosophy world. I still think that’s good.’
‘It’s not. It wasn’t. You’re supposed to be talking to women with children. Women who have got twenty pence and a bag of sprouts to last them till the end of the week.’
‘Well, the advertisers wouldn’t want them, then.’
‘You know what I mean.’
There was silence.
‘Incidentally, Mike’s been very supportive, according to my inside sources. He’s apparently been saying you’re a great presenter and he wants you to stay on the sofa. But The Boss – and the chairman – want you off it. Have you been out of the front door yet?’
‘No – there are reporters there. And, I assume, photographers. No idea how many are out there. How big do you think this story is?’
‘Sadly, no mass deaths anywhere at the moment, no politicians shagging their secretaries, no celebrity marriages on the rocks. It’s a slow Monday on a damp spring day. Could be page five. Could be front page, if nothing happens between now and ten o’clock tonight. Do you want me to come over?’
‘No. I’m going to have to deal with it at some stage.’
She phoned her mum and dad and left a message telling them that under no circumstances were they to talk to anyone they didn’t know, about anything. She phoned her brother, Ben, and told him the same thing.
‘Can I speak to my patients?’ he asked, faux-serious.
‘No. Anyway, no doctor speaks to his patients,’ she said.
He
