her narrow wrist, opening it and closing it. It was shaped like a lightning bolt.
I wonder does it work? Will it make me fly? Or zap people.
She looked around.
Men, women, no children, gathered in a beige room on a sticky Sunday night. Everyone so, so miserable.
There was a lectern in front with an A4 printout stuck to it that read: ‘Bipolar Support’.
Annnd so explains the misery.
Up ahead, a large lady moved awkwardly to the stage. She was wild-haired and makeup-free, except for the crazy shade of cherry on her lips. She looked as if she had dressed under pressure; grabbed a blouse and skirt from a peg in the hallway on her way out the door and slipped her feet into a pair of sandals she’d left in the garden.
‘Partying …’ she began.
Oh, dear God, do not laugh at this poor woman whose only parties may have been Twilight-themed.
The speaker continued: ‘Sorry,’ she said. ‘Before I start, I should say that tonight I am going to talk about mania.’
This will be good …
Ren checked her watch. She was here only because her boss had told her to come.
There’s a first time for everything, Gary Dettling, and a last time. In this particular instance, they are one and the same.
Gary Dettling had been her boss in the Undercover Program and also her case agent on the deep cover investigation that nearly destroyed her. She had done a dazzling job, though. Her investigation was the exemplary one, the one still used in UC training. Ren’s own boyfriend, Ben Rader, had studied her case. But the official story didn’t include the part where, within months of finishing the investigation, the exemplary agent was diagnosed bipolar. Ren had yet to talk him through that bonus feature.
She looked around the room at the ordinariness of everyone.
What could any of you know about what it’s like to be me?
The woman at the lectern continued: ‘Imagine telling someone who has been at a spectacular week-long party that the next night, they have to be in bed by ten p.m. As they are dancing on a table, laughing, swigging from a vodka bottle, surrounded by friends, new and old, you tell them that, really, they should stop. This feeling, this amazing feeling is not good.
‘As you reach out to prise the bottle from their hand, they will see you as reaching inside their soul to switch off a light. And they will claw at your hand to stop you, and as they do, they will look into your eyes with one of two things: an anger so intense that it could take your breath away, or a hurt so deep that it could break your heart. Who are you to take away their high? You are supposed to love them, you are supposed to value their happiness above all else.
‘And the following will happen: they will attack, and it will hurt. It will hurt.’ She looked up at the crowd. ‘Face the manic, face the consequences. Poop the party, prepare to be pooped on.’
I need to get out of here. This is wildly accurate.
Ren bent down to grab her purse from the floor. She caught sight of the little orange bottle of mood stabilizers inside.
Five months. Yay … great to have you on the show …
‘And as your loved one attacks,’ the speaker was saying, ‘and as the pain rips through you, they will further your pain by turning to someone else instead. Who can they find to party with when you won’t? Who can they spend all their money with? Maybe all your money. Who can they have all that sex with? Not you. You are pathetic. You are a nag. You want them to be miserable. You just want to control them. That’s all you want. You don’t really love them. You are now the enemy.’
There are people crying in here. I can hear people crying.
‘Hey, nice tits,’ said the guy three seats away from Ren.
What the? Ren turned to him. And Happy Manic Descent to you!
The guy shifted one seat closer.
Ren held up a finger to him. ‘OK, you have to be shitting me.’
‘I’m not!’ he said, beaming. ‘You are really beautiful.’
May the scales of mania fall from your eyes.
‘This is not happening,’ said Ren, her voice low. ‘Go back to your seat. And …’ She pointed at the lectern.
This is for you, buddy.
He did as she asked.
‘Dayum, though …’ she heard him say.
The woman on the other side of him slipped her hand under his, squeezed it, gently. His wedding band shone.
Another lost victim, searching for the husband who is right there, but gone on his travels, not a care in the world.
‘Your loved one will retreat,’ said the speaker, ‘or run … or hide from you. Or at least will attempt to. They don’t yet know that what they are running from is pain. Overwhelming pain: loss, rejection, grief, fear. They don’t know yet, because they’re having too much fun. Secret fun. They can’t admit that while you’re sick with worry, they’re having a blast. They may see your tears, but they don’t feel them. They’re waiting for a text or a drink or a party or a pay check or new friends who don’t know who they are or who loves them or what really lies in their heart or what needs to be protected. Your loved one may endure your interventions, your attempts at reasoning with them, but really? They’re in their own world. It takes different things to get through to different people; it won’t always be obvious. And what worked once before may not work the next time.
‘Until you find a way, they will dig their heels into the bright green grass of their dazzling universe of plenty. They will tune into whoever is emitting the same Day-Glo frequency. Imagine a fluorescent pink jagged line running through the city just above head height, visible only to the manic or the drunk, or the drugged, or all of the above. And they are each holding a magical hook and they can just reach up and ride around on that line all night long. And they will do that until, eventually … days, weeks, or months later, they will lose their grip.’
Ren closed her eyes. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the beautiful, damaging world I miss.
She walked to the back of the room and quietly made her way out.
The name is Mania … Mrs Mania.
I-80, Nebraska
Laura Flynn changed radio stations until she heard what she needed: words that would find her in the dark; a song that would fill this little car with the right message, a song that would back up her journey. This wasn’t her first life-changing decision. There had been others; some borne of tragedy, others borne of happiness or kindness or love. This was different – this was the consequence of an extraordinary misjudgment. She was halfway across Nebraska, halfway
