bottles.
‘One for his lordship,’ said the priest.
‘And,’ added Finn, ‘one for the road!’
There was a dear sound of drinking and, years later, Doone remembered, a glad sound of laughter from the box in the grave.
‘It’s all right,’ said the priest, in amaze.
‘Yes.’ The lawyer nodded, having heard. ‘It’s all right.’
The Laurel and Hardy Love Affair
He called her Stanley, she called him Ollie.
That was the beginning, that was the end, of what we will call the Laurel and Hardy love affair.
She was twenty-five, he was thirty-two when they met at one of those dumb cocktail parties where everyone wonders what they are doing there. But no one goes home, so everyone drinks too much and lies about how grand a late afternoon it all was.
They did not, as often happens, see each other across a crowded room, and if there was romantic music to background their collision, it couldn’t be heard. For everyone was talking at one person and staring at someone else.
They were, in fact, ricocheting through a forest of people, but finding no shade trees. He was on his way for a needed drink, she was eluding a love-sick stranger, when they locked paths in the exact center of the fruitless mob. They dodged left and right a few times, then laughed and he, on impulse, seized his tie and twiddled it at her, wiggling his fingers. Instantly, smiling, she lifted her hand to pull the top of her hair into a frowzy tassel, blinking and looking as if she had been struck on the head.
‘Stan!’ he cried, in recognition.
‘Ollie!’ she exclaimed. ‘Where have you been?’
‘Why don’t you do something to help me!’ he exclaimed, making wide fat gestures.
They grabbed each other’s arms, laughing again.
‘I—’ she said, and her face brightened even more. ‘I – I know the exact place, not two miles from here, where Laurel and Hardy, in nineteen thirty, carried that piano crate up and down one hundred and fifty steps!’
‘Well,’ he cried, ‘let’s get out of here!’
His car door slammed, his car engine roared.
Los Angeles raced by in late afternoon sunlight.
He braked the car where she told him to park. ‘Here!’
‘I can’t believe it,’ he murmured, not moving. He peered around at the sunset sky. Lights were coming on all across Los Angeles, down the hill. He nodded. ‘Are those the steps?’
‘All one hundred and fifty of them.’ She climbed out of the open-topped car. ‘Come on, Ollie.’
‘Very well,’ he said, ‘Stan.’
They walked over to the bottom of yet another hill and gazed up along the steep incline of concrete steps toward the sky. The faintest touch of wetness rimmed his eyes. She was quick to pretend not to notice, but she took his elbow. Her voice was wonderfully quiet:
‘Go on up,’ she said. ‘Go on. Go.’
She gave him a tender push.
He started up the steps, counting, and with each half-whispered count, his voice took on an extra decibel of joy. By the time he reached fifty-seven he was a boy playing a wondrous old-new game, and he was lost in time, and whether he was carrying the piano up the hill or whether it was chasing him down, he could not say.
‘Hold it!’ he heard her call, far away, ‘right there!’
He held still, swaying on step fifty-eight, smiling wildly, as if accompanied by proper ghosts, and turned.
‘Okay,’ she called, ‘now come back down.’
He started down, color in his cheeks and a peculiar suffering of happiness in his chest. He could hear the piano following now.
‘Hold it right there!’
She had a camera in her hands. Seeing it, his right hand flew instinctively to his tie to flutter it on the evening air.
‘Now, me!’ she shouted, and raced up to hand him the camera. And he marched down and looked up and there she was, doing the thin shrug and the puzzled and hopeless face of Stan baffled by life but loving it all. He clicked the shutter, wanting to stay here forever.
She came slowly down the steps and peered into his face.
‘Why,’ she said, ‘you’re crying.’
She placed her thumbs under his eyes to press the tears away. She tasted the result. ‘Yep,’ she said. ‘Real tears.’
He looked at her eyes, which were almost as wet as his.
‘Another fine mess you’ve got us in,’ he said.
‘Oh, Ollie,’ she said.
‘Oh, Stan,’ he said.
He kissed her, gently.
And then he said:
‘Are we going to know each other forever?’
‘Forever,’ she said.
And that was how the long love affair began.
They had real names, of course, but those don’t matter, for Laurel and Hardy always seemed the best thing to call themselves.
For the simple fact was that she was fifteen pounds underweight and he was always trying to get her to add a few pounds. And he was twenty pounds overweight and she was always trying to get him to take off more than his shoes. But it never worked and was finally a joke, the best kind, which wound up being:
‘You’re Stan, no two ways about it, and I’m Ollie, let’s face it. And, oh God, dear young woman, let’s enjoy the mess, the wonderful mess, all the while we’re in!’
It was, then, while it lasted, and it lasted some while, a French parfait, an American perfection, a wildness from which they would never recover to the end of their lives.
From that twilight hour on the piano stairs on, their days were long, heedless, and full of that amazing laughter that paces the beginning and the run-along rush of any great love affair. They only stopped laughing long enough to kiss and only stopped kissing long enough to laugh at how odd and miraculous it was to find themselves with no clothes to wear in the middle of a bed as vast as life and as beautiful as morning.
And sitting there in the middle of warm whiteness, he shut his eyes and shook his head and declared, pompously:
‘I
