I meant to say no. No was what I’d said ever since Magda’s funeral. No, I didn’t want to hang out. No, I didn’t want to go to the dance. No, I didn’t want anything to eat. And no, I did not want to talk about it.
“Sure. Are you going right now?”
Zoe nodded. “Yeah. You can come with us, or you can meet us there if you have something to do.” She sounded almost as awkward and uncertain as I felt, which was strangely comforting. It struck me as odd that we seemed even more vulnerable after learning how to kick the shit out of somebody than we had before. Why was that?
“I just have to grab my jacket.”
“We’ll wait,” Anna blurted. She blushed. “If you want us to, that is.”
At this rate, by next class we wouldn’t even be able to make eye contact. I felt myself smile, and not just because I wanted to put her at ease, but because I actually wanted to smile. I felt a strange tickle in my chest, like when your foot falls asleep and gets all prickly when the blood starts to circulate again. I hadn’t hung out with another girl since Magda. Since her suicide I’d been pretty antisocial. The only person I saw on a regular basis that wasn’t family was Gabe. Which reminded me I needed to go by the cemetery tomorrow after school.
“I’ll just be a second,” I said. “We can walk over together.”
Anna actually clapped her hands. “Yay!”
I laughed as I walked away. I thought this class would just be about violence. My experience with other girls was that once you put a group of them together they got all bitchy with one another. Maybe this class was going to be different. Maybe instead of fighting with each other we’d start fighting for each other.
And God help any guy who got in our way.
Gabriel was already at Magda’s grave when I got there on Friday. Like me, he must’ve come straight from class, because there was a backpack on the grass by her tombstone.
He sat cross-legged on the grass, leaning back on his forearms as the afternoon sun shone down on his face. It was warm—even for September—and he’d taken off his jacket. His eyes were closed, so I just stood there for a moment and looked at him.
I didn’t remember when my feelings for him had become something more than just friendship, but I know it had been at least a couple of years. I’d never told Magda that I had a crush on her brother. She would’ve found it weird. I found it weird.
I don’t think there were many girls who would blame me for having a thing for him. He was gorgeous. But more than his looks, he was a good person. Strong and honorable. He could make me laugh—even after all that had happened.
Finally, I decided to approach. If he opened his eyes and saw me standing there gawking at him, he’d think I’d gone nuts.
“Hi.”
He opened his eyes, squinting at me. “Hey. I was beginning to wonder if you were going to show.”
“School only let out twenty minutes ago,” I told him. I put my bag beside his before plopping down on the grass on the opposite side of the tombstone. We both faced the same direction as the stone. It made it easier to pretend that Magda was between us rather than beneath.
“Right.” He slipped on a pair of sunglasses that had been lying on the grass by his hip. “I forgot. How’s it going?”
I shrugged. “Okay. It doesn’t seem right without her.”
Gabriel stared straight ahead. “Nothing does. It’s getting a little easier, but that just makes it all the more painful when I remember she’s gone.”
I didn’t say anything. I didn’t have to. He knew I felt the same way.
“Diane Davies has started a self-defense course for girls.”
He turned his head to look at me, but I couldn’t see his eyes behind the dark lenses. “The cop?”
“Yeah. We had the first one Thursday night. She’s doing it at the dojo.” Gabriel had been the one to get me into aikido in the first place, but he hadn’t been there in a while.
“You’re taking it?”
“You sound surprised.”
“I am. I thought you hated her. And you already know how to kick ass.”
“I was mad that she couldn’t make the four of them pay for what they did. I guess now I know it wasn’t her fault—like you said.”
“It’s good that she’s doing something. Did many girls show up?”
“A few. Hopefully we’ll get more.” I plucked a blade of grass and shredded it between my fingers. “Jason Bentley’s having a party on Saturday night.”
His back stiffened. The tightened muscles in his arms were like smooth stone beneath his skin. “Are you going?”
“I don’t know.”
This time when he turned his head his gaze lingered on me. “Yes, you do.”
I don’t know how he did it, but he always seemed to know when I was lying. “Okay then, fine. I’m going.”
“Why?”
“Because if Drew Carson tries to drug and rape another girl, I want to be there to stop it.”
“And just how do you think you can do that? Are you going to stand guard outside the bedrooms?”
“If I have to.” My voice was sharp and belligerent.
“What if he takes that as an invitation? What if the girl he targets is you?”
“That won’t happen. I’m not going to let him get anywhere near me.”
“That won’t matter if the four of them gang up on you. Even you’re not capable of fighting off four guys.”
He was right, and I knew it. I also hated him for it. “I’m not going alone. I’m going with another girl.”
“I’m coming with you.”
My heart jumped in fear. “No. You can’t do that. If you walk in there, the four of them and all their friends will jump you.”
“My odds of not being raped are significantly higher than yours.”
“My odds of not being beaten to death are significantly higher than yours. You can’t go.”
“If you go, I’m going.”
“You’re such an asshole.”
He rolled onto his side so that he faced me, bracing himself on his forearm. “I could say the same thing. What are
