of cars and computers, garden sheds, tools and making stuff, craft work, music making, art and sculpture, cooking, dancing, loving being in the forest or at the beach, these are all ‘caught’ from grown-ups around you.
Lots of Arty Stuff Is Free
The best learning aids for your one-to-five-year-old daughter are simple and cheap. Not fancy ‘educational’ toys or gadgets which provide all the action with batteries or flashing lights; the simpler, plainer and tougher, the better.
Arty kinds of activities are encouraged by having lots of recycled paper to hand, along with an abundant supply of pencils, crayons and paints. Cardboard boxes, egg cartons, old greeting cards and paper catalogues all lend themselves to creative playing and don’t cost a penny. You can build up a considerable supply of creative materials in reserve for a rainy day or quiet time each day, and bringing out something new starts the process all over again.
But here’s a hint – be sure to get these tidied away and orderly after each session, and get your daughter’s help to do this. Then it’s encouraging to start each new play session without having to wade through yesterday’s mess. You can also alternate; crayons one day, paints the next, glue and tearing up coloured paper another, so there is more sense of new adventures to be had.
A SIMPLE ENVIRONMENT IS BEST
There is an important principle, discovered by psychologist Kim Payne, author of the wonderful book Simplicity Parenting,9 which is that a clutter of toys and materials actually makes for less play – it’s all too much choice – whereas a few simple things, in a box ready for getting out, leaves more scope for imagination. If your child’s bedroom is already awash with toys, quietly take away the less favourite ones, bag or box them, for use another time. When your daughter looks at a sea of teddies, dolls, games and bits of creation cascading all over the floor or all over her room, she feels the way you do – exhausted. And really, does anyone need more than two teddies? Well, okay, three.
Clothes
Girls should have plenty of old and tough clothes so they can be messy and happy in the dirt, or doing art activities with paint, water and glue and not freaking out about getting it on themselves or their clothes. In fact, little girls don’t need fragile or fancy clothes at all. Those fashionable frilly numbers really have no purpose for little girls except to make them anxious about how they look. Fashion on children is for the adults’ benefit, and if your child doesn’t look cute enough already in a t-shirt and rompers, then you need to read fewer magazines. (There is nothing sadder than seeing a toddler dressed in such prissy and ‘feminine’ clothing that she can’t do anything but sit and be ‘good’.)
One mum told me recently: ‘I used to say to my toddler daughter, “That dress looks gorgeous” or “How pretty you look.” But I have started to say: “Let’s put on these strong trainers (or wellies) so you can run and play.”’
MATILDA LEARNS NOT TO BE FEARFUL
(This story was told to me by my psychotherapy teacher, Bob Goulding, at the Western Institute in the 1980s. Bob was the grandfather in the story. He was a wonderful man.)
Two-year-old Matilda was enjoying playing around the swimming pool, carefully watched by her mum and grandparents. She would play happily in the toddler pool, but from time to time she would wander across to the deeper pool for a closer look. Suddenly, she simply stepped from the edge and completely disappeared into the deep water. Her grandfather, fortunately wearing some old shorts, jumped straight after her. He grabbed Matilda immediately and pulled her out. Matilda, still utterly surprised, screwed up her face and was clearly about to start wailing. But before that could happen, her granddad did an interesting thing. Holding her at arm’s length, he shouted ‘Wow! Matilda swims! What a great swimmer she is! You are great!’ while laughing and looking very pleased. Matilda seemed to hesitate, look at him for a puzzled moment – he was hard to ignore – then she did a remarkable thing. She simply changed her face to a big smile, and joined in the laughter.
Her mum came and took over, carrying Matilda back into the water and played with her, anchoring the experience into a positive one.
Would this turn Matilda into a risk taker? We don’t think so, it was scary enough to have taken that sudden plunge, but it would have taught her that adventures can be taken on the chin, and it’s better to laugh than cry. In her brain the pathways towards quick recovery and resilience were beginning to be put in place.
If we didn’t have pool fences, it might make sense to terrify kids about water. (Aboriginal parenting traditionally involved terrifying children about monsters that lurked beyond the firelight at nighttime, because it was important they didn’t stray. In my Yorkshire childhood we were half-laughingly warned about the Bogey Man.) Helping our daughters to see life as an adventure and to be confident in their own skills and judgement is important because it means they can live a larger life. These will be the girls who scuba dive, volunteer for Médecins Sans Frontières, learn to pilot a plane, or play gypsy violin in an indie rock band. Although, I am trying to talk you into this!
If Matilda’s mum or dad had freaked out, started yelling and carrying on, after Matilda’s unexpected dip, this little girl would have added to her own already considerable startle that the parental message was that water is scary. She may well have become phobic of water and swimming itself as a result. ‘Hell’s bells’, she thinks, ‘even Mum and Dad are terrified!’
The direct teaching that her grandfather offered – ‘look here, this is fun!’ – can be applied to many things in life, and from a very early age. We can help our daughters to be comfortable with animals, nature, climbing, books and libraries, sporting exertions, people, the night sky, the ocean, the list goes on. And they will carry this love of the world into their lives forever. Whenever you show her a new experience, you can add some enthusiasm, some ‘Hey look – isn’t this great?’, so that she also takes in a positive message.
Be sensible about it, but see if you can extend your daughter’s boundaries every chance you get.
Nature Is Essential
A garden with real plants and soil, water, and maybe some trees is great. A rough cubby house (or even a big cardboard box) creates a base to play from and in. Gardens naturally come equipped with insects, lizards and birds, though you can perhaps still add an old safe dog.
Girls need a chance to move around in nature. If you live in a block of flats or have no garden, get to the park, countryside or coast whenever you get the chance. Let them experience the rough textures and long-distance views, as toddler eyes need to look long distances and absorb natural sunlight to develop good vision. Running about on uneven surfaces will also make their legs flexible and strong. The sheer mystery of what’s behind that bush or tall grass will help their imaginations too.
Computers, iPads and DVDs have their place, but for small children through to teens these electronic devices can warp the senses and affect brain development negatively, because they are all flat and clean and the same distance away. You don’t refocus your eyes or move about enough to develop the balance and activity centres of the brain. And you don’t really feel love and connection to an animal on a screen in the same way as something you can touch and hug.
