He will copy your way of acting towards his mother. He will take on your attitudes (whether you are a racist, a perpetual victim, an optimist or a person who cares about justice, and so on). And he will only be able to show his emotions if you can show yours.
Most boys love rough-and-tumble games. Use these for enjoyment and also to teach him self-control, by stopping and setting some rules whenever the game gets too rough.
Teach your son to respect women – and to respect himself.
This chapter was co-written with Shaaron Biddulph.
Remember that first, quiet moment, when your new baby boy was lying in your arms and you got your first real chance to look at him – gazing at his little face and body?
For mothers, it sometimes takes a while to realise that you really have a son, a boy. Most women say they feel more confident with a baby girl. They feel they would intuitively know what her needs will be. But a boy! At the birth of a son, some women will exclaim in horror, ‘I don’t know what to do with a boy!’ However well prepared we are rationally, the emotional response is often still, ‘Wow! This is unknown territory!’
The mother’s background
Right from the start, a woman’s own ‘male history’ has an effect on her mothering. We needlessly, unconsciously set huge store on what sex a baby is. Many people can’t even really relate to a baby until they ask what kind it is. This shouldn’t matter, but it does.
Every time a mother looks at her baby boy, hears him crying for her or changes his nappy, she is aware that he’s male. So, whatever maleness has meant to her will now come into the foreground.
A woman remembers her dad and how he treated her. She has the experience of brothers, cousins and the boys she knew at school. And then all the men she has known – lovers, teachers, bosses, doctors, ministers, co-workers and friends. All these are woven into her ‘male history’, colouring her attitude to this unsuspecting little baby boy!
Her ideas on ‘what men are like’, ‘how men have treated me’ and ‘what I would want to be different about men’ all begin to affect how she acts towards her child.
As if that wasn’t enough, her feelings about this baby’s father also complicate the picture. As he grows up, does he look like his father? Does that make her love him more? If she is no longer with his father, or if there are problems, this can colour her feelings, too. A woman may be very aware of all these feelings, or this entire process might be totally unconscious.
How we care for our baby boys
All our earlier attitudes and beliefs about males will be reflected in our everyday care for our boys – each time we rush to help, or we hold back in order to let them do it for themselves; each time we encourage or discourage them; each time we cuddle them warmly or frown at them and walk away. All our responses arise from our internal attitudes towards having a baby – and having a male baby.
It’s a big help if you adopt a curious attitude – of wanting to learn and understand about a boy’s world. As a woman, you cannot know what it’s like to be in a male body. If you didn’t have brothers (or a dad who was involved), then you have to get more information to find out what is normal in boys. It’s good to be able to ask your partner or male friends for information. Sometimes you just need practical knowledge.
Mums help with learning about the opposite sex
A mother teaches a boy a great deal about life and love. She is invaluable for helping him gain confidence with the opposite sex. She is his ‘first love’, and needs to be tender, respectful and playful, without wanting to own or dominate his world. As he gets to school age, she encourages him, helps him make friends, and gives him clues about how to get on well with girls.
Many boys and girls have trouble getting along with the opposite sex, as do many men and women. A mother can make sure her son is not like this, she can help him to relax around girls and women. She can teach him what girls like – they love a boy who can converse, who has a sense of humour, who is considerate, who has his own ideas and opinions, but is interested in theirs, and so on. She can even alert him to the fact that girls can sometimes be mean or thoughtless – that girls are no saints, either.
As mentioned, the opposite-sex parent often holds the key to self-esteem for a growing child. Teenage daughters need to have their image of themselves as intelligent and interesting people boosted by their father. He can also teach them to change a wheel, fix a computer or catch fish. A son whose mother enjoys him as a companion learns that he can be friends with girls comfortably in the years from five to fifteen. The pressure to pair up and prove oneself sexually is taken away, and he can move more naturally through friendship to a deeper connection with a girl when he is ready.
Promoting a good self-image
Many boys become painfully awkward by the time they are in secondary school. They seem ashamed of being male, big and full of hormones. (The media often portrays males as rapists, murderers, or inadequate fools, so a boy may easily feel quite bad about himself as a masculine being.)
Mothers can do a lot to overcome this. I’ve heard beautiful comments from mothers to their sons: telling them from the age of about ten and upwards, ‘Wow, you are a great looking guy!’ when they try on their new clothes; or, ‘The girl who marries you is going to be so lucky’ when they do a good job around the house; and ‘I really enjoy your company’, ‘You’re interesting to talk to’, and ‘You have a really great sense of humour’. From these comments, the boy learns what girls like, and becomes more able to approach them in a relaxed and equal way.
LETTER FROM A MOTHER
Dear Steve,
Reading Raising Boys, I wanted to add some things I feel so strongly about.
To all the mothers out there – boys are different. So persevere in getting to understand and know them. Don’t, whatever you do, give up. Or become resigned and join the anti-boy group, with their weak jokes and tales of woe and ‘What can I do?’ sort of attitudes. There is a meeting point between mothers and sons. It’s up to you. It may not be obvious, it may take time and a number of attempts. Struggle is not a sign of failure, but of something new being born. Look for the good in your son. You will find it.
Boys have tender feelings, and mothers have an essential part in keeping the child whole. Seeing how affectionate they can be at times makes you love them so much more. Give them a chance to play with and help younger children, and to look after animals. See how loving they can be.
Share your son’s passions. Tom (my
