I loved him. I couldn’t have him and it was killing me in an entirely different way from when I had loved him from afar without him knowing it. Cora was back to keeping all talk of work and the guys at bay, but every now and then she would let something about him slip, and every time it felt like a shard of glass in an open wound. It should have made me feel better that he didn’t sound like he was doing much better than I was, but it didn’t. We both deserved happiness; it just sucked that we couldn’t seem to find it together.
It was a couple days before Saint Patrick’s Day, which not only fell on a weekend this year but also happened to be Rule’s birthday. The girls had decided that instead of sitting around being sullen and grousing about things that we needed to go out and have fun. I didn’t want to go. I mean I really didn’t want to go, and not only because my face wasn’t entirely pretty again, but because I didn’t think I could handle being in a crowd just yet. I was almost certain that I was going to have an awful time, but because I loved them, I let them badger me into agreeing to go. To my surprise, after a few martinis at an out-of-the-way lounge Cora knew about I relaxed and actually started having a good time. Strike that, I had a fantastic time, which I totally needed.
Getting up for school the next morning was awful and I was tempted to skip, but I had missed so much because of the attack that I couldn’t afford to. I was standing in front of the mirror doing my hair and trying in vain to cover up the yellowish remnant of my black eye when I had a startling revelation: Loving Rule had never been easy. It was always hard and painful and the payoff had been years coming, but I had never decided he wasn’t worth it. To me, loving him had never been a choice; it was just something I had decided was inevitable, just like I had decided that him ever coming to care about me was never going to happen. Last night I had been so sure I wouldn’t have any fun, that going out was going to be miserable and awful, but after doing it I’d had a blast and it was totally worth the risk. I had done with Rule what I swore I never would: I had walked away because there was no guarantee in the end, no guaranteed happy ending for us.
I set my curling iron down on the sink and stared at myself in the mirror. All the sadness and loneliness was clear in the reflection staring back at me. Rule was the one thing I had always wanted and when it got hard to hold on to him, I had just let go rather than fight to keep a hold of him. That wasn’t right. I deserved love but I also deserved him and whatever form his love came in. Rule wasn’t a normal guy; there was never going to be hearts and flowers or poetry flowing with words that made me blush. What there was always going to be was give-and-take, ups and downs, and a passion that burned both of us to the core. When he asked me at the hospital “What if I did love you?” my answer should have been: “If you’re asking, you already do.”
I knew it now, could see it as clearly as I could see my own face in the mirror: Rule loved me. He just didn’t know that’s what it was. Neither one of us really had shining examples of healthy, loving relationships to draw from, but the second he told me he wanted to try, I should have known he was falling in love with me. He never tried for anyone.
There was a knock on the bathroom door and Ayden popped her head in the room. “We have to head out soon. Are you almost ready?”
Considering I only had the right side of my head curled, I think the answer was obvious. I turned to her with huge eyes. “We need to go dress shopping after school.”
She propped a hip in the doorway and lifted a dark eyebrow at me. “Any particular reason why?”
“Rule’s birthday is this weekend.”
“Cora might’ve mentioned that.”
“He’s gotta be having a birthday party.”
“She might’ve mentioned something about that as well.”
“Well, we have to go.”
“Why? I thought you were done with all that noise, or is this the martinis from last night talking?”
I shook my head and picked the curling iron back up. “I have to give him a present.”
“Oh yeah? What if he’s there with someone?”
I cut her a look. That possibility hadn’t even occurred to me. “Is that likely?”
She muttered something under her breath and brushed her long bangs out of her face. “No. Cora said he’s been pretty much a hermit since you guys split, that and his temper is on fire, so everyone who doesn’t want to be flayed alive is pretty much staying the hell out of his way. What are you planning on giving him anyway?”
“The only thing I think he wants.”
She snickered. “More jewelry for his face?”
I laughed a little. “No … me. I think the only thing he really wants is me. We were both just too messed up to realize it.”
She rubbed her hands together. “Well, it should be interesting either way.”
Interesting didn’t even begin to cover it, but my new leaf was all about self-gratification, and Rule was ultimately what I wanted to be gratified with. I could only hope he hadn’t gone so far down the tunnel that I couldn’t pull him out.
CHAPTER 17
Rule
“Hey, dude, happy birthday.” I traced a finger over the horseshoe that I had insisted be on the headstone, and cleared away the emotion that was clogging my throat. I didn’t come here enough, but every year on our birthday I made sure to stop by and let Remy know I was thinking about him. It was hard, being reminded that he wouldn’t be turning twenty-three right alongside me, that I was getting older and he was stuck in time at twenty, his life cut way too short.
“I’m pretty pissed off at you right now. My life is all upside down and I can’t seem to find my footing, and all the stupid shit I normally do to ignore the hurt and confusion just doesn’t hold any appeal. I don’t understand why you didn’t just talk to me, why you used Shaw the way you did, and I really don’t get how you just let me act like a total asshole to her for years and years knowing she had feelings for me. Well, here’s a newsflash, bro: I have feelings for her, too. And now things are so jacked up, I can’t see any way to make it right. Everyone always gave me hell for being difficult, for being temperamental and complicated; turns out you had more going on under the surface than Rome and I could ever imagine, and yet you were still the favorite. Isn’t that just a kick in the balls?”
For the second time in a few short weeks, I felt tears well up in my eyes. “Shaw kept your secret. All this time, even when things got intense between us, she kept your secret. She loves you, but she loves me, too. I just didn’t know what to do with it, so I got mad and I shut her out and as a result, she got hurt and wouldn’t let me back in when that’s all I wanted. It sucks—love sucks—and I feel like if you were here none of this would have ever happened in the first place, so you suck, too.”
There was no answer, just the sound of my shallow breathing and the wind moving the trees. I felt really alone for the first time in a long time, and the loss of my twin was really pressing down heavily on me. The last month and a half had been rough; everything with Shaw had left me strung up and stripped bare. My normal response to that overwhelming flood of emotion would have been to drink my liver into submission and screw any and every girl who looked my way. Neither of those things had been on my agenda. Booze wasn’t enough to make my conscience stop screaming at me that I should
