Are you … uh … headed out somewhere?” I let my hungry gaze travel from the top of her shiny head to the tips of her bright red painted toes. She was working toward being all healed up and looked like everything I ever wanted, with a few bruises and bumps thrown in to remind me how close I had come to losing her altogether. “You look very nice.”
She grinned sheepishly and twirled the ends of her hair around her finger. “I was getting ready to go out later.”
“Oh, well, I won’t take up too much of your time then. I just wanted to talk to you real quick.”
She leaned up against the kitchen counter while I took a seat at the kitchen table.
“Ayden forgot about something she had to do for her I-chem class so she won’t be back for a couple hours and Cora doesn’t get off until seven. We’re going to dinner.”
I was so happy to hear that she didn’t have a date with another guy that I let out an audible sigh that had her raising a pale eyebrow at me.
“What did you want to talk to me about, Rule? It’s nice to see you and all, but I have to say I’m kinda surprised you’re here.”
I wanted to tell her that I needed her, that I wasn’t the same without her, that she was my entire world, but what fell out of my mouth was “I had coffee with my mom today.”
I saw her eyes get big. “Wow. That’s huge.”
“She found me at Remy’s grave. I was alternately chewing him out and telling him how much I miss him. I go every year on our birthday. Did you know that Dad threatened to leave Mom if she didn’t go get some help?”
She bit her bottom lip and it took every ounce of self-control I had not to climb up and replace her teeth with my own.
“I didn’t know that’s what Dale told her, but I knew it was bad. They’re used to you pulling away, but having Rome shut them out and refuse to let them see him off really did some damage. I’m glad it’s helping. You guys are a family, you need each other.”
“That’s the thing, Shaw; I never thought I did until you. I never thought I needed anyone or anything until you got into my head and started breaking down all the walls I had built around all my feelings.”
We stared at each other in a tense silence. Until she sighed softly and uttered, “I’m not sorry. It’s not a bad thing to feel, it’s not awful to care about other people.”
I watched her carefully. I couldn’t tell how she was feeling and it made laying it all out on the line for her even more frightening. “No, it’s not bad, but it scares the hell out of me. I never had anything to lose before and losing you nearly undid me.”
She sucked in a sharp breath and I saw a myriad of emotions in her eyes and face. “It undid me, too.”
I shoved my hands through my hair and met her gaze, trying to let her see everything I was feeling. I wasn’t good at expressing this kind of emotion and it was frustrating me. “I want you to know that there’s been no one but you, Shaw. You’ve got me running in circles and so wound up, there could never be anyone but you. I miss you. I know you want undying declarations of love. I know trying isn’t an option and that I just have to do it, but I want you. I need you, and more important, I get that you need me, too. Not some watered-down synthetic version of me that makes being together easier but the fully leaded, hard-to-handle me that you can lean on because I’m strong, Shaw. I’m not going to let anyone, your family especially, devalue all the wonderful things you have to give.”
I got to my feet and walked to where she was leaning. Her eyes were enormous and I could see her chest moving up and down with rapid breaths. She still hadn’t said anything so I pulled out the pen I had stashed in my back pocket and put my hand out.
“I’m not Jet, so I can’t write you a song that makes you understand how important you are to me. I’m not Nash, so I can’t find a building and paint you a mural that makes you see that it all starts and ends for me with you.” She placed her hand palm-up in mine and didn’t look away as I bent my head and began to do a quick sketch with the ballpoint across her superpale skin. “I’m a tattoo artist. I’ll probably always be a tattoo artist, and I don’t know how that plays into your future or the future you have planned after school and, frankly, I don’t care. This is what I have to offer you, Shaw, and just like you let me be your first, I’m letting you be mine.”
I covered her entire palm with a detailed drawing of a sacred heart; it matched the one I had inked on the center of my chest. It had flames dancing up the back, a crown of thorns on top of it, a spray of roses along the bottom, and in the center I drew a scrolling banner with my name in the center. “Here’s my heart, Shaw. You have it in your hands, and I promise you’re the first and last person to ever touch it. You need to be careful with it because it’s far more fragile than I ever thought, and if you try to give it back I’m not taking it. I don’t know enough about love to know for sure that’s what this is between us, but I know that for me it’s you and only you from here on out. I can only promise to be careful and not push you away again. Life without you in it is doable, but if I have a choice I want to do it with you by my side, and I’m telling you I’m not running away from the work it takes to make that happen. Shaw, I’m not scared of us anymore.”
When I was done I was breathless but I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders, because even if she rejected me at least she knew how I felt. I let go of her hand and she curled her fingers around the drawing that covered her palm. When I lifted my eyes to hers I was a little surprised to see tears shining in the emerald depths. She put the hand that I didn’t draw all over on the side on my face and ran her thumb over my bottom lip, pausing at the hoop. Her mouth crooked up on one side, and just like that I knew everything was going to be all right.
“I was going to crash your birthday party tonight.” We were close but still separated by a few feet. I couldn’t look away from her and she opened her other hand and put it on my chest over where the heart matching the one I just gave her lay. “That’s where I was going later.”
“I would have been happy to see you.”
She smiled a little brighter. “I resolved the other day that I had to stop deciding how things were going to happen before giving them a chance to play out. You shut me out, Rule, but only because I let you. I was so worried about what you were doing, about what would happen, I just let you close the door, and when you wanted to pull it back open, I was so scared of how bad being without you hurt that I didn’t want to give it space to happen again. That wasn’t fair to either of us. I’m not afraid of the work or us anymore, either. I promise to not let you shove me away again. I do need you, Rule, and you are the only thing I have ever wanted just for me. I should have tried harder to hold on to you because you’re right, I need to be careful with this.” She tapped her palm with the heart on it against the one pounding under my skin. “It’s precious and the best gift I could ever ask for.”
I wrapped my arms tightly around her and lifted her off her feet. I wanted to kiss her, wanted to do all the things I had spent weeks missing out on doing to her. I wanted to make her forget Davenport’s cruel hands and imprint on her every single thing I felt about her, but just as I was about to put my mouth on hers she pulled back and shook her head.
“If you start that, there is no way you’re going to make dinner and your party tonight.”
She was right but I didn’t care. I had her and that was the only present I wanted. It must have shown on my face because she pressed a boring, closemouthed kiss on my lips
