previously well-mannered and charming boys beside me turned into a host of baying beasts. The roaring was incredible, punctuated with wolf howls as the woman did a desultory shimmer to ‘Spend … a little time with me.’
Eventually, she started to walk towards our table. An excited ‘Way hey!’ went up as she bent over to have her bra strap undone, with the bloke she approached only just able to restrain himself – after a sharp look from the bouncer – from pinging it. The bra went whirling through the air and landed near a surprised Fran and Johnny, who were snogging like they’d just invented it over in the corner.
The bra got a big round of applause, but all eyes quickly came back round to the main attraction. The boys’ eyes were wide as saucers as the woman stifled a yawn, shot me a dirty look (I thought), and stuck her leg up on the table to undo her suspenders.
I stifled a yawn myself, and looked over to where I’d last left Charlie and Alex, muttering like two old alkies at a railway station. Alex was tottering uneasily to his feet, being egged on by Charlie. As I watched, hypnotized, ignoring the mounting hysteria behind me, Alex picked up the gold lamé-trimmed bra and put it on over his shirt, dancing along to Shirley Bassey. He approached Fran and Johnny, making lewder and lewder movements, while Charlie shouted encouragement. Finally, when all eyes had gone past her, the stripper turned round to see Alex rubbing her costume like a towel between his legs.
‘’Ere!’ she shouted, which was enough for the bouncer to stop looking menacing and do some actual bouncing.
He walked over to Alex and put his hand on his shoulder. Incredibly drunk, Alex leered up at him uncomprehendingly. Charlie, however, was back on his feet again.
‘Leave him alone!’ he shouted petulantly.
The bouncer gave Charlie his best ominous look.
‘Yeah?’
‘Yeah! Or you can just … fuck off!’
There was an ominous silence, except for the inaudible noise of me attempting to disappear. Oh my God, he’d done it again. And I had brought him.
Very deliberately, the bouncer retrieved the bra from Alex’s limp hand and laid it on the table. Then slowly, almost tenderly, he led both the boys outside. Nobody moved as some cartoon scuffle noises reached us from the other side of the door. After about three minutes the bouncer came back in, actually dusting his hands down.
‘You coming, Leese?’ he said.
Leese was already dressed – in her own terms. She stood in front of Angus while he paid her, then the pair left in a dignified silence.
I closed my eyes in horror. Nobody said anything. Then finally a lone Glaswegian voice from the back said plaintively:
‘Well, I thought the bloke was a better dancer, ken.’
I opened half an eye. Fraser turned round, but there was a glint in his eye.
‘You mean I brought a stripper to my stag night for a crowd of fucking poofs?’
The whole room guffawed with relieved tension, and new rounds were ordered in. I went up to Angus.
‘Oh God, I’m so sorry. I mean … oh, they’re just … I’m sorry.’
‘I know what you mean,’ he said kindly. ‘Why don’t you tell me all about it?’
‘I will, I need to go see if Alex is OK.’
‘Why? He deserved it.’
‘No he didn’t! It was just a prank.’
‘Not to her it wasn’t.’
‘Oh well, you know what boys are like.’
‘Huh. Not all of them.’
I could feel him watching me as I headed out the door. Fran and Johnny were now looking distinctly biological, and I averted my eyes.
Outside, everything was quiet. I couldn’t see the boys anywhere, or even hear any muffled groaning. I pondered the situation for nearly half a second, heard a burst of boyish laughter from upstairs and decided to head back to where the warmth and beer were.
Inside, everyone’s faces were looking redder. Fran and Johnny were nowhere to be seen, but the lads were presenting Fraser with a blonde blow-up doll, which happened to look extremely like Amanda.
Blushing, he stood up as Angus sidled alongside me and pressed a bottle of beer into my hand, which I swigged gratefully.
‘I wanted to say …’ Fraser started manfully.
‘Get yer tits oot!’ shouted the Glaswegian wag.
‘Shut up, Nash.’
I turned round to see who Nash was. Gosh, he doesn’t sound black, I found myself thinking, then immediately felt like the stupidest person in the world.
‘I just wanted to say,’ continued Fraser ‘that it’s good to see so many of you here.’
‘Apart fae yer best man!’ someone shouted, and there was a burst of obscene laughter.
‘Yes, well, apart from – ahem – Mr McLachlan, who seems to be otherwise disposed.’
‘Aye, up the bits of some tart.’
‘Hey!’ I said to Angus. ‘That’s my friend they’re talking about.’
‘What, not your friend that was behaving completely like a tart?’
‘Huh. Well, maybe.’
‘OK, calm down …’ Fraser looked slightly unsteady. ‘I just wanted to thank you all for coming, and I know some of you came down a long way. Getting married is a frightening thing, although not as frightening as seeing you shower all in the same room at the one time.’
There was a friendly muttering.
‘No, really. It’s great to see you all. I’d like to thank my brother for getting everything organized, Mr Flaherty for the loan of his pub, and … well, just the whole big bunch of you lads.’
‘And girls!’ I squeaked.
‘And honorary lads,’ said Fraser, bowing in my direction. I grinned.
‘So, get some drink down you. Oh, and sorry about the stripper …’ he petered out.
‘To Fraser!’ shouted Angus.
‘To Fraser!’ said the company. I think I was the only one who noticed that he’d missed out the bride from the toast.
‘To the stripper!’ shouted someone else.
‘To the dirty bint that’s taken Johnny up the close!’
‘What?’ I asked Angus. ‘Is that rude?’
‘Never mind.’
We
