finally, I decided I was going to have to leave before I started plunging a fork into my thigh. And then he tried to get off with me!’
‘Well, you can understand it from his point of view.’
‘Cheeky bastard! If he’s going to be a pale and interesting stranger, that’s fine. If he’s going to bore the tits off me for three hours about his wife, then he can go piss up a rope, as far as I’m concerned.’
‘You are possibly the kindest person I’ve ever known.’
She sighed. ‘I know. So, I sent him off with a flea in his ear.’
‘Did you hit him?’
‘Not that hard. Whining little toad! Then I sat and had a drink or two. And then I came back upstairs again, looking for you.’
‘I stayed to the end, so I must have just gone.’
‘You had – I saw you from the window, dragging Alex up the road.’
‘And you didn’t come and help?’
‘It was freezing out there.’
‘Yes, it was, thanks.’
‘And there was almost no one left in the bar except for Angus, who was propping himself up with some double whiskies.’
‘I know, I saw him before I left.’
‘He looked pretty miserable, so I started talking to him.’
‘Did he mention me at all?’
‘Ehm, no, not at all.’
‘Oh. OK.’
‘Why?’
‘No reason.’
‘Huh.’ She gave me another sharp look. ‘Anyway, he was pretty drunk, so I let him stay here. And that’s the end of it.’
I was extremely relieved.
‘So, you didn’t sleep with him?’
‘Oh well, yes, I slept with him.’
‘You are dreadful!’
‘I’m dreadful? Who’s worse, Angus or Nicholas?’
‘That’s not the point.’
‘That’s exactly the point. Anyway, it’s hardly serious.’
‘You don’t even fancy him. You think he looks like a dog.’
‘It was you that thought that.’
‘Was it?’ I couldn’t remember thinking that now. Except in the sense of dogs being strong but kind, I suppose. Hang on, dogs didn’t have those qualities. What on earth was I thinking about …?
‘How’s Alex?’ asked Fran, sipping her coffee.
‘Who? Oh, I think he’s OK.’ I told her about the shower.
‘I hope he’s not concussed or anything,’ I said suddenly. ‘Oh my God! What if he’s in a coma for years, all because I didn’t take him to the hospital!’
‘Then I could perform my special little happy dance,’ said Fran. ‘Now, drink your coffee and I’ll tell you what Angus is like in bed.’
And she did.
I left Fran an hour or so later so she could get some much needed sleep, and walked home, my head spinning.
After buying bacon and eggs, I let myself into the flat quietly. I couldn’t hear anything. I was about to tiptoe into the kitchen when there came a sorrowful groan.
‘Mel … is that you?’
I peeped into my bedroom, which reeked of whisky.
‘Alex?’
‘Yes …’ he said weakly.
I sat down next to him on the bed. His eye had gone red and purple and green, but wasn’t swollen shut any more.
‘How are you feeling?’ I asked tenderly.
‘Like I’ve been run over by the Death Star.’
‘Oh, sweetheart. Can I get you anything?’
‘No milk, please,’ he said. Then he half smiled. ‘Were we awful?’
‘You were naughty, and your friend was evil.’
He laughed, and then winced.
‘We didn’t mean anything. We just went to the rugby and had a few pints …’
‘And then chaos happened. Amazing that, isn’t it?’
He forced a slow grin. ‘How awful?’
‘You didn’t do anything you didn’t pay for.’
‘I could have had him, you know.’
‘Course you could, sweetheart.’
‘If I met him again, I’d take him …’ He reached out for me sleepily, and I let myself be grabbed.
‘I’m the most tolerant girlfriend in the world, you know.’
‘I know,’ he said, asleep. ‘I know.’
I was absolutely desperate for somebody to talk to at work, but the prospects weren’t good. Only Cockney Boy, whose name was, inevitably, Steve, bothered to ask me how the stag went.
‘It was great,’ I said. ‘Turned out the stripper was gay and I copped off with her.’
‘Yeah?’ he grunted, his eyes wide as saucers.
‘No.’
‘Lezzie cow! Probably couldn’t cop off with anyone,’ he muttered under his breath.
‘Not true, actually. Normally I let the boys watch. But only the ones I like … so, tough luck!’
He grimaced at me and went back to his work, which as far as I could tell was mostly colouring in.
‘How are you doing, Janie?’ I asked her, using the soft, invalid voice I reserved for the troubled of heart.
‘Well,’ she said bravely, ‘he had a ticket for the rugby on Saturday, but came to Ikea
