Green Lanes, North London
Thursday, June 16, 1994; 02.30
Had the shonky Shiraz bottles I’d unearthed from some dodgy all-night spieler in Haringey not required two fully engaged man-arms to uncork against a solid surface, I’d never have spotted Zoe’s note on our kitchen table.
Written at some point yesterday, it reads: Me and Matt gone to mum’s. Thought you could use a night off, Zoe x
What a selfless, thoughtful act, you may think. But you don’t know a sleep-deprived mum. And you aren’t competing in the Martyred Parent Olympics (so-called because it lasts four years and, unless you imbibe massive quantities of illicit pharmaceuticals, you’ve no chance of winning).
What the note really means is: ‘It doesn’t matter how late you’ve been working, this is going down officially as a night off for you.’ I’ll be made to pay, of course; she’ll yawn pointedly all day tomorrow, slam anything slam-able and consistently ring friends and family to update them about the latest phase of her toootal exhaaaaustion.
Aged twenty-two months, Matt still wakes five or six times a night – every night. Having an insomniac stepdad helps. I’m always on hand to slurp drinks, binge Babybels and loop Pingu. Thrillingly, at least for me, Matt’s taken to calling my name when he wakes, or at least his version of Donal. ‘Dong, Dong, Dong,’ he chants. Who he doesn’t call for is mum, because mum minus sleep equals Crazed Harridan.
I’m ‘Dong’ because Matt isn’t my biological son. His ‘real’ dad, Chris, is a fugitive from fatherhood somewhere south of the Equator. A posh, feckless surfer-raver type, he fled as soon as Zoe fell pregnant – leaving the way free for my uncharacteristic crime scene seduction.
Yes, we met over a dead body! Zoe is a rising star in forensics who, somehow, failed to spot the clues to my myriad flaws. She agreed to go out with me, and it soon became clear why; her morale had hit rock bottom. She’d convinced herself that ‘no man would want me, not now I come with a baby.’
I wanted her with all that I had. When I got to know Matt, I wanted him too. For the first time in my life, ever, I let instinct override indecision, seized the moment, got the girl! A few months later, we bought this place and I’m still in utter shock, clinging onto the cliff-face of overnight fatherhood. But I wouldn’t change a thing.
Being a dad is quite a responsibility, and not one I’m taking lightly. Not only have I reduced my nightly quaffing to two bottles of Shiraz, I only buy the stuff that’s less than 14% proof. Well you do anything for your kids, don’t you? And Matt’s my son now.
A few weeks back, Zoe caught us partying at 3am and announced her ‘gravest fear’ – that Matt has inherited my insomnia. I had to remind her that this is impossible – we’re not flesh and blood – then hated her for appearing so patently relieved. I let it go because we never row in front of Matt, which means we never row. She seems to spend every second of her child-free leisure time avoiding me. Seriously, she’s either out with her girlfriends, at her mum’s or collapsed like a capsized Alp in bed, clad in those massive off-white ‘comfort’ knickers, previously used to hoist the Mary Rose.
I know we’ll get back to how it was. Of course we will. Once we get over the exhaustion. And the constant illness. And the lack of money.
No wonder Crossley’s call last week had come as such a shot in the arm. How I’d craved the chance to get drafted onto a ‘live’ investigation squad, make a good impression, become a fully-fledged detective constable and prove all my doubters wrong.
All I had to do was not fuck up …
What a selfish prick, I scold myself. The only thing that matters right now, after my potentially fatal blunder, is that Julie’s okay. My insides wince, cowering from those stabs of raw, primeval terror. My stressed temples buzz, as if planted against the window of a speeding train. A low electric hum grows louder in my ears, until it whines like the world’s largest mosquito. My vision flickers, causing objects in the room to float in different directions, as if something telepathic is breaking through.
My God, Julie?
Somewhere close by, a church bell clangs, over and over, louder and louder. I can see it’s driving those ravens wild. They smash into the sitting room window – thump, thump, thump – flinging themselves against the glass with all of their might.
They’re inside now, flapping close to my face. I can’t scream or turn away or raise my hands. I can’t move a muscle! All I can do is scan their beady green eyes. I remember suddenly their collective term: An Unkindness of Ravens. And this lot look especially unkind. One launches, pecking at my face savagely. The others join in; a greedy, feeding frenzy. I scream as they pick and pull and gouge at my eyes until all goes black.
I’m suspended in the air now, looking down. The ravens are yanking off bits of Julie’s face and body, then flying off, tiny fish flapping in their mouths. I’m holding a metal crook. I should be beating the birds away. But I don’t.
I’m lying down again. Julie appears above me, eyes wild with hate, face tattered and torn like bloodied tissue paper. She holds the silver block directly over my face, but I see another man’s bearded face in the reflection. Who is he? Please don’t drop it, I beg her. Please.
The reflection in the block is me. I smile just as the head of an axe plants itself into the left side of my face, slicing into my cheekbone, above my ear. Indescribable, ringing pain springs me to my feet. I’m screaming, clawing at the axe. But it’s not there.
‘Oh my God,’ I hear myself scream. ‘Julie Draper’s dead.’
Green Lanes, North London
Thursday, June 16, 1994; 11.00
‘Morning has fucking broken,’ warbles Fintan, my older brother, yanking open the sitting room curtains. Why did I ever give him a key?
I scrunch my dry eyes against the searing white, but the glare scores my sight, summoning splodges and a pulsing star-scape. My day of destiny is here. No doubt Commander Crossley’s already in his office, knotting the rope and oiling the trapdoor. Well someone will have to pay for last night’s cock-up. I’m low-ranking police plankton with an already sullied disciplinary record; he couldn’t have hand-picked a more ideal scapegoat.
I suspect Fintan has already heard all about last night from his fathomless pool of ‘police contacts’. That’s why he’s here, the diabolical cock, to get the inside story. It’s this level of conscience-free cunning that has propelled him to the role of chief crime reporter at the Sunday News, the youngest in their history.
‘Why can’t you warn me before you turn up,’ I croak. ‘You know, like a normal person?’
‘You could’ve done with some of that last night,’ he beams, eyes alive with mischief. ‘Warning, I mean.’
I groan instant and complete surrender, but my own personal Josef Mengele hasn’t even got started.
‘I hear you
