then more urgent. We would have turned to face each other and then Miles would have caressed my neck. I would have slipped my hand down his naked torso until I could feel his arousal. Miles would have gasped with pleasure and then softly rubbed me with his crooked finger. Inevitably we would then have made love. Hard, fast and satisfying. Then, crushed with happy fatigue, we would have slid into contented sleep.
Or if it had been a Saturday morning he might have made love to me for one exquisite hour. Attentive, tender yet full of passion. So loving that I would want to cry with joy.
But tonight? Nothing.
“The only thing hard at the moment is the drive on that thing,” I said, nodding at the laptop.
“Sorry, darling, got to get this report finished for tomorrow. Maybe later, okay?”
“Oh, right, I’ll make an appointment shall I?”
“Don’t be like that. I can’t help it if sex isn’t high on the agenda these days.”
“Oh, Miles, I’m not talking about sex. I’m talking about loving contact and passion and wanting each other the way we used to.”
“Well, after five years, maybe it’s just the way things go.”
“But why should it be? On our last anniversary we made love like newlyweds. We said we always would. Remember? That night in the hotel, with the mirror?”
Miles couldn’t help but grin. Yes, he remembered.
“You always made me feel that way, Miles. Always. Until the last few weeks, that is.”
Finally he shut the lid of his laptop and looked at me properly, “I’m just a bit tired maybe, and stressed … I’m just not as energetic I guess. Don’t worry, darling. Everything will be fine. You’ll see.” He took my hand and guided it down between his legs. The mighty man, once so enthusiastic and inexhaustible, remained stubbornly inert. He sighed and went back to his computer.
If the excitement and spontaneity had gone out of our marriage, it was as much my responsibility as his and I was determined to find a way to restore it. I already had one broken marriage behind me and couldn’t watch things disintegrate again. It was heart-breaking. I loved Miles so much and at thirty one, I was also getting broody. There was no way a baby could be a part of our life just now. So, a few days later when Miles was away on a golfing weekend, I went to see my friend Imogen. If anyone could help it would be her.
I’ve known her for years, since we met on a creative writing course over ten years ago when I was just finishing Uni. We struck up an unlikely friendship; there’s twenty years difference in age between us and she was part of my previous life before I met Miles, when I was with Laurent and hung around in quite bohemian circles. So we go back a long way and she has shared many of my ups and downs over the years. I think it’s because of this that Miles is not very fond of her.
Imo is quite eccentric, with flamboyant clothes and ever-changing, colourful hair and used to be a theatrical costumier, running her business from a converted granary. Over time, it seemed that her outfits and props were being hired for more than just stage and screen. Sexual role-play became a big thing and customers started asking for somewhere private and discreet to indulge their fantasies. Spotting a gap in the market, Imogen extended and refurbished her premises, providing rooms as well as costumes and toys to suit all tastes and requirements. She also offered personal tuition in the privacy of her ‘Playbarn’. Business was booming.
“You need to whet his appetite, Beth. Have you tried dressing up?” she asked me over coffee and cakes, in the comfort of her sitting room.
“Oh yes, Imo. Doctor and nurse, obviously, although Miles found that a bit too close to home once he became a GP! Maid and master … we’ve done most things in most places over the years. I don’t think we’ve lacked in imagination, it’s more as if we’ve lost that magical, intimate connection we used to have. If Miles isn’t working on his computer, he’s on the phone or staring at the television. We don’t talk properly anymore.”
“Well, it’s all about communication, isn’t it? Have you thought of reading to him in bed?”
“I want to turn him on, not send him to sleep!”
“It all depends on what you read, Beth! You need sexy stuff. Stories, poetry, use the written word to arouse him. What could be more intimate and personal than Miles listening to your voice saying things you know he’d like to hear? I’ve got a whole library you could borrow!”
“Mmm… sounds interesting.”
“That’s what Cameron and I used to do. Worked wonders for Anthony and Cleopatra!” Imo wiggled her eyebrows. I smiled at my friend. I had always loved her frankness and sense of humour.
“Listen, here’s one of my favourites.” She took down an old, tattered book from the shelf and started to read. I was a sucker for old books and still had two first editions that Laurent had given me for my twenty-first.
The story was called Ghassan and her warm voice drifted into the air and seeped into my brain.
“That is perfect, Imo.”
“Yes, isn’t it? And there’re lots more besides. You could read him a story every night. See where it takes you.”
“Like A Thousand and One Tales!”
“Well not quite, that would be pushing things too far! But look, today’s the 22nd of September, why not give it a try until New Year?” Imo counted the days on the calendar. “That’s 101 days exactly! Now if that’s not an omen, I don’t know what is!”
“Imo, that’s brilliant! I’m so excited!”
“You should come to the ‘Playbarn’ and go through all the stuff I’ve got there, books, magazines and other bits and pieces. There’s even a Visitor’s Book that makes a pretty good read! See what takes your fancy. I could even ask the folk in my on-line writer’s club to come up with something. You’re creative Beth, use your skills, change the names, write something yourself. Even Miles might be tempted to put pen to paper. Who knows what you’ll come up with?”
I smiled at the thought; why not? I could imagine both of us enjoying it and it would be fun finding things to read to him. If I couldn’t compete with a computer then perhaps I didn’t deserve to get my husband back. I would keep a daily journal and fill it with stories.
“Okay, that’s what I’m going to do, Imo. You can lend me things to start me off and the rest I’ll find in the library or on the internet. You won’t mention my name to your club will you?”
“It’s all anonymous, Beth. They don’t even know who I am!”
The thought took hold and that’s how my diary began. Like Sheherazade, I was fighting to change what struck me as a very bleak future and what follows is the uncensored and unabridged account of how I met that challenge. Was I successful? Well, you’ll just have to read on to find out.
Day One – Monday 23rd September.
