pillory or whatever out of his mind.
He did the pensive gazing into the river thing for a few moments.
‘I can try,’ he said.
‘I’m serious. If you drink, no deal.’
‘You’re a tough negotiator.’
‘You haven’t heard the half of it yet.’
‘Oh, God.’
While at the bar I’d ordered a cheddar ploughman’s for us to share – they were legendarily huge at the Trout – and this arrived with due efficiency.
Joss buttered his roll and loaded it with cheese and pickle while I continued.
‘I spent a lot of time researching all this dominance and submission stuff last night,’ I said. ‘Some of it looked easy, some of it looked terrifying. It’s not something to enter into lightly.’
‘No,’ said Joss, swallowing his first bite. ‘I know that. I’m not suggesting that we throw ourselves straight on to the scene. I’d ease you into it – take it slowly.’
‘So it would be a while before I got my story?’
‘Some journalists spend years setting up their victims.’
I humphed at ‘victims’, but he was right.
‘I’d aim to be on our enigmatic friend’s guest list by Christmas,’ he said.
‘Christmas?’
‘’Tis the season to be kinky,’ said Joss with that crooked, wolfish smile I remembered so well. Well enough for it to have its traditional effect between my legs.
‘OK. A few months isn’t so long, I suppose.’
‘I’ll verse you in our ways. I’ll show you how it’s done,’ he said, his voice soaked in seduction.
‘I know how it’s done,’ I said, but my bolshy confidence was leaking out of me with every softly spoken word.
‘You’ve seen pictures. You’ve read accounts. That’s no preparation at all,’ he said. ‘You need to feel it – to know what it does to your head. There’s nothing like it, Lulu – the rush, the intensity of it.’
‘How do you know?’
I halved a pickled onion, thinking what an odd conversation this was to be having over a ploughman’s on a sunny day by the river.
‘What do you mean, how do I know?’ My question seemed to have thrown him.
‘You’ve been a submissive? You know how that feels?’
‘No. Obviously I’m talking about it from my side. The dominant side.’
‘All right, then that leads us to another of my conditions.’ I crunched on the pickled onion. No kissing for me today – the vinegary little chap was my protection against any foolish rushing of blood to the head later.
He seemed to know what I was thinking, because he took the other half of the onion and bit into it himself. Damn. That neutralised the situation. Kissing might still happen. Especially if I didn’t stop staring at his long slender fingers as if hypnotised. What those fingers had done to me … what they still might do to me …
‘Well, you’ve had no booze, so what’s next?’ he said snippily. ‘No sex?’
‘That’s not a bad idea,’ I said severely.
‘You’d sign up for the pain but not the pleasure? I can’t see how that would work.’
‘Wait, you’re getting ahead of yourself,’ I said. ‘My condition isn’t that.’
‘Good.’
So he expects us to have sex. I filed the thought for further discussion later. First I needed him to agree to my next little stipulation.
‘I want you to feel what you’re going to make me feel,’ I said.
His eyes widened.
‘I’m not with you.’
I took a breath.
‘When we were together – before – I hated myself for being with you.’
He blinked.
‘Did you?’
‘Of course I did. After everything you’d done to me when we were kids, I’d just fallen into your arms like some idiot in a Mills and Boon. I felt like I betrayed myself, over and over, every time I let you touch me.’
He contemplated a crust of bread in a stormy manner.
‘Look,’ he muttered, ‘this is old ground. I’ve apologised for the way I treated you when I was a boy. I apologise again. Unreservedly. All right?’
‘Not really,’ I whispered. ‘I don’t think it’ll ever be all right. But I’m telling you this because it’s relevant to what I’m going to ask of you.’
‘OK.’
‘Every time we get involved with each other, you hurt me,’ I said. ‘You hurt me when we played together as children. You hurt me when we had our … summer thing … And now you want to hurt me again.’
‘But this is different,’ he said eagerly. ‘This is a contract. A proposition. Not an affair of the heart or a messed-up thing like the bullying.’
‘I know, but I don’t want to spend the next five months in a state of acute self-loathing and paranoia. I’ve done that. I’m not doing it again. So before I let you hurt me, I want to hurt you.’
‘You mean literally?’
‘Yes, I mean literally. I want you to know how it feels to be hurt.’
‘I do know.’
‘By me.’
‘Ah.’
He sat back, chewing on a slice of tomato.
‘Revenge,’ he said, once it was gone. ‘You want revenge.’
‘No, that’s not what I mean. I want you to feel something like empathy. And I think it would help me to trust you – because on all those sites I surfed last night, the main thing everyone ended up banging on about was the importance of trust. Without it, there can’t be a D/s relationship, they say. And how can I trust you, given our history?’
‘You know, that’s a very fair point,’ he said. ‘Very fair. All right.’
He stood up, holding out a hand.
‘Take my body and use it as you will,’ he said with a flourish.
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