been told that your mother was with him at the end, Lizzie. He was very ill, apparently. Viral meningitis.’
I felt a darkness rise up inside me. Not in my wildest dreams could I have imagined this. My darling son was everything to me. He gave meaning to my life, a life that had been twisted out of shape by bad luck and mistakes.
And now he was gone.
‘I’m so very sorry, Lizzie,’ the governor said. ‘I know this is a terrible shock and I wish there was something I could say that would soften the blow. But of course there isn’t.’
Images of Leo cartwheeled through my mind. I saw him in my arms just after I’d given birth, and when he took his first steps across the living room carpet at nine months old. And then there was the very last time I saw him, not long after his first birthday. His bright blue eyes and curly fair hair. The smile that never failed to melt my heart.
Oh God how could he be dead?
I continued to sob hysterically. The governor got up and came around her desk. She placed a hand on my shoulder and spoke in a soft voice. But I didn’t take anything in because the shock and grief were all-consuming.
When finally I recovered my composure she gave me a tissue to wipe my eyes and said she would arrange for a bereavement counsellor to come and see me.
‘And of course I’ll keep you informed about funeral arrangements,’ she said. She then told the screw to take me back to my cell.
As I was led out of the room I broke down again, and through the deluge of tears I heard my mother’s voice in my head from long ago.
‘You’ve ruined your son’s life as well as your own, Lizzie,’ she told me after I was charged with killing a man. ‘I hope God can find it in his heart to forgive you, because I know I can’t.’
Those words had tormented my soul for three long years. The weight of guilt was a burden I’d been forced to endure ever since they locked me up.
And now it was going to be much, much heavier.
I stopped crying on the way back to the cell block, but I could feel the scream building inside me.
It seemed odd that all around it was business as usual. The daily grind of the prison continued uninterrupted. Raised voices. Stilted laughter. Doors slamming shut. Small groups of women engaged in furtive conversation.
None of them knew about my loss yet. But they soon would. Holloway houses more than five hundred female prisoners, from murderers to petty thieves. When something like this happens the news spreads like wildfire.
I knew I could expect a lot of kind words and sympathy from most of the inmates. But a good few wouldn’t give a toss. They were the druggies and bullies and psychopaths who cared only about themselves.
And as sod’s law would have it a bunch of them were gathered in the corridor close to my cell. When they saw us approaching they fell silent. Then they stood aside to let us pass.
I lowered my gaze so that I didn’t have to look at them, but not before catching the eye of Sofi Crane, the undisputed leader of the pack. She was a large woman with a hard face and a fierce reputation. I was one of the few inmates who weren’t intimidated by her and that had always got under her skin. It was why she hated my guts and took every opportunity to wind me up.
She’d never seen me upset before, though, and I just knew that my obvious distress would delight her. But wisely she chose not to make any snide remarks as I was steered towards my cell.
The door stood open, and as I stepped inside the screw let go of my arm, told me again how sorry she was, and then retreated. I had no doubt that she’d tell Sofi and her mates what had happened. But that didn’t matter. Nothing did any more.
As soon as Scar saw me she leapt up from the bed and dropped the book she’d been reading on the floor.
‘Jesus, babe,’ she said. ‘What the bloody hell has happened?’
I looked at my cellmate, my lover of two years, and I realised that even she wouldn’t be able to ease the pain of my loss.
‘It’s Leo,’ I said, my voice cracking. ‘He’s … dead.’
Scar rushed over and wrapped her arms around me. She held me tight as the grief pulsed through me in waves.
‘I don’t see how I can go on,’ I said. ‘Not now that I’ve lost everything.’
‘You’ve still got me, Lizzie,’ she replied, and I felt her sweet, warm breath on my neck. ‘I’m here for you and always will be.’
The tears returned with a vengeance and I cried into her shoulder, great wrenching sobs that shook me to the core. I wanted to die too at that moment. I wanted the ground to open up and suck me under. But I knew I wouldn’t be that lucky.
Scar’s body stiffened suddenly and someone else’s voice came from behind.
‘Just heard about your son, Lizzie. What a bummer. Still, it’s not as if you’ve had anything to do with the poor little bugger these past few years.’
I pushed Scar away and spun round. Sofi Crane was standing in the doorway, her lips curled back in a malicious grin. I choked back a sob and a smouldering rage ripped through me.
‘What did you say you bitch?’ I shrieked at her.
‘Oh sorry,’ she said. ‘Did I strike a nerve?’
Scar grabbed my arm but I jerked it free. I felt something primal take hold of me. The grief turned to anger and I launched myself at Sofi Crane with a ferocious bellow.
Before she had time to react I drove a fist into her face. The blow caused ribbons of blood to spurt from her nostrils. She let out a horrific grunt and stumbled backwards into the corridor.
I lunged forward, grabbed the front of her sweatshirt, shoved her hard against the wall. She lost her balance and collapsed in an untidy heap on the floor.
But I didn’t let up. Instead I aimed a kick at her stomach with everything I had. She gave an anguished cry and rolled on her side. I then kicked her in the small of her back and she curled up like a hedgehog to protect herself.
I was still kicking and screaming when two screws pulled me away and dragged me back into my cell. And that was where I remained until the commotion died down and my anger subsided. But it took a while because I was in such a state. My lungs burned with every intake of breath and my thoughts swam in feverish circles.
But I didn’t regret what I’d done. Sofi Crane had deserved it, and I was glad I’d hurt her. But her suffering was nothing compared to the pain I was going to inflict on the bastards who had wrecked my life and taken away my only son.
I was now more determined than ever to track them down and make them pay. It would just have to wait until I was finally released from this rat-infested hell hole.
