in ambitious school productions, take part in international sports events, surf the internet and set up e-mail accounts on their own, have their pocket money paid into their own bank accounts, make their own arrangements via mobile phone and use their considerable purchasing power to buy whatever they want.
When children are exposed to an increasing number of experiences at an early age, they become bored with routine activities. They require greater stimulation and excitement to keep them satisfied. What fun can be had in the park with your parents, when you are used to watching satellite TV in your room with your mates? How boring a day trip to the seaside will seem after a two-week holiday in Florida. Who wants to watch a U-rated film, when you’ve seen an adult-rated movie with your friends?
This adult lifestyle is an assault on young and impressionable bodies and minds. What’s more, many children are being left to make the transition from child to adult on their own. Many children come home to an empty house and have to organise their own time structure and make their own meals. Most are allowed to choose their own entertainment and this often means that they are subjected to conflicting messages on a regular basis. A vast industry has built up around consumption by children and an ever-increasing amount of advertising is directed at them. Advertisers use the media, primarily television, to convince children that they need a whole host of possessions in order to reach the status of ‘cool’ and to be happy.
Television also provides children with experiences of violence, sexuality, broken relationships and inappropriate mentors. Even children who are at home with parents during the day and after school have unhealthy pressures placed upon them by the various media, including television. Children in the USA spend an average of 38 hours a week exposed to media outside of school; by the time they reach the age of eleven, the average child will have witnessed more than 100,000 acts of violence on TV. Children may be exposed to as many as five violent acts per hour during prime time and an average of 26 violent acts per hour during Saturday morning children’s programmes. And that’s just violence.
There is a similar problem with sexual imagery, with teenage starlets paraded regularly in the media in sexy, adult clothing. Sexual precocity is evident increasingly early and teenage pregnancy is on the increase in the Western world. If children have seen it all on screen or heard it all in the lyrics of a pop song, what’s to stop them trying it out for themselves? Why should they bother waiting?
Ignoring or disregarding the vital sequential steps in a child’s development can have serious consequences. Children are confronted with decision-making before they have the necessary emotional or psychological tools; they are entrusted with obligations, possessions and responsibility that make them feel more independent and adult, but which may be too much to bear.
This, of course, puts more pressure on parents. Kids want things sooner and they expect freedoms, possessions, activities and independence that are often inappropriate. Most parents have a grudging sense that the demands they face regularly are at odds with what they intrinsically believe is right, appropriate, normal and moral. This is not, of course, a new problem facing parents, as children have, for generations, always wanted a little more than parents think is appropriate; however, the wealth of external influences on our children make it far more difficult to create and maintain a family policy. In a nutshell, we are in constant battle with the unknown and the ever-changing.
Different strokes
There will be class, religious, geographical and cultural elements that will affect the way you choose to raise your children. What is appropriate for an inner-city child may not be right for someone from the deepest part of the countryside. A child who grows up on a farm may be given plenty of responsibility, but would not have the street savvy of a child from a big city. So the rural child may be mowing the lawn or driving a harvest combiner at the age of ten, but may be out of his depth on the Underground railway system or on city streets. Conversely, a city kid may cope well with independence involving travelling alone, negotiating a map and dealing with street violence, but would probably risk cutting off a toe if handed a lawnmower too soon. These are factors that every parent must take into consideration.
What children need
In order to thrive physically and emotionally, children require boundaries – guidelines that will undoubtedly be tested, often on a daily basis as they move out of childhood and towards adulthood – and they need a consistent approach to discipline. They also, however, require independence as they grow older, room to make their own mistakes and freedom to explore the world around them. In essence, children need wings to soar out into the world, but a healthy dose of common sense and a structured environment to anchor them when required.
Research tells us that, far from spending less time with our children, today’s parents take the job very seriously. According to a study entitled ‘The Changing Face of Childhood’, undertaken by the Future Foundation in the UK, children enjoy significantly more quality time with their parents than children of 30 years ago, with children’s views today being taken into account in the household and parents aspiring to do a better job than their own parents did. Researchers claim that we have become a generation of super parents who devote almost all our time away from work to our offspring. Typically, parents today spend 99 minutes a day with children under sixteen, compared with just 25 minutes in 1975.
‘In the 1970s, the hours at home were spent on household labour, and children were typically left to spend their time outdoors with friends in unstructured play, and to get to and from school by themselves,’ said Meabh Quoirin, head of business development at the Future Foundation.
‘Today’s parents are making the choice to engage with their children far more, taking them on outings, helping them with their homework, joining in their activities and just playing with them more. They are willing to put considerable effort into their relationships with their children and we see an increasingly professionalised approach to bringing them up.’
There can be no doubt that this increased input in our children’s lives will have a positive impact. A long-term Canadian study found that a positive relationship with parents was associated with less bullying, smoking, alcohol and drug use, and less frequent affiliation with deviant peers who engage in substance abuse. It predicted higher self-esteem and fewer internalising problems. Moreover, youths who reported positive relationships with their parents were more likely to report increased school identification and commitment to education, and were less likely to take risks (i.e. to not use a bike helmet and seat belt). It’s clear, therefore, that the quality of the relationship we have with our children is a huge predictor of their overall well-being on many levels.
But that, in essence, compounds the problem. As parents we wish to be there for our children, to be welcoming, accepting, open and communicative in order to establish a healthy relationship. Yet too many parents confuse a good relationship with giving in to demands, and allowing inappropriate freedoms in order to avoid disharmony. We want our children to have high self-esteem, so we grant them privileges and praise them regardless of whether either has been earned. While it is evident that a good relationship can encourage good behaviour, it is also clear that this relationship must be based on sound parenting, reasonable discipline, realistic expectations and mutual respect.
Giving in to demands does not encourage respect, nor does it teach our children self-respect. It is not easy to lay down the law, just as it is equally pointless to lay down too many laws. Every family has to evaluate what is most important to them before setting rules and establishing a code of expected behaviour. As the phrase goes, ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’, and nothing can be more true when dealing with tweenies and teens. If you get yourself into a regular lather about every aspect of your child’s behaviour, plans, perceived needs and demands, and set out to control it all, chances are the relationship will suffer and you’ll encourage rebellion. Work out what is most important to you, and be prepared to offer realistic reasons for your expectations and rules.
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