backgrounds. This is to be encouraged, no matter how resistant a child may be to doing things ‘your way’.
You may frown on anything illegal and insist that your child does not, for example, touch alcohol until the legal age of eighteen or ride his bike on the pavement or watch a film below an age restriction. You may have fears about the safety of mobile phones or your child’s security while travelling alone. You may disapprove of sexual relations outside of marriage, violence on television or abortion. This, too, is acceptable. Parents have a right and a responsibility to pass on their values to children, even if they don’t always fit in with current trends.
You may be aghast at the way children are brought up today – perhaps with too much freedom, too little discipline and a dearth of respect. In this sense, you may be right. In spite of the fact that we are a ‘hands-on’ generation who invest a great deal of our time in our children, there is no doubt that children are involved in more street crime and violence. And the problems don’t stop there: bullying is rife; the drinking culture is out of control; more than 25 per cent of children are obese; and teenage pregnancies and drug use are at a high level. Many teachers complain of a culture of disrespect and rude behaviour that disrupts classrooms and even shopping malls have been forced to ban hooded jackets in an attempt to keep trouble at bay. Perhaps the decisions we are currently making with and for our children are not always right. No doubt external influences play havoc with even the strongest and most moral household rules and policies, however, there can be no doubt that a generation of teenagers running riot have missed something along the line. These factors, too, must be taken into consideration.
The information in this book is designed to guide parents so that they can make the right decisions for their children. You may be worried, for example, about letting a child travel or play outside alone for fear of abduction or safety. In this case, you may be reassured to know that there are no more children murdered or abducted than there were 50 years ago; there are no more children victim to paedophiles (although there are probably plenty more opportunities, with internet chatrooms); and that roughly the same number of children are injured or killed on the roads and while playing outside as there ever were. To put it bluntly, your child is much more likely to die from other accidental causes than from a road traffic accident. That’s not to say you shouldn’t be concerned, but statistics help us to put things into perspective. The number of pedestrian fatalities in the UK peaked in 1966 with just over 3,150 deaths and has declined since then. Each year since 1990 has seen a new record low; in 2002, for instance, it was 774 (adults and children).
The secret to successful parenting is to find a balance by focusing on key areas of importance. Denying a child every element of popular culture, every opportunity to share activities with friends and every possibility of freedom will backfire. Choose your battles. There is potential for locking horns at almost every stage of your child’s life, and if you are resistant to the idea of change, negotiation or at least compromise, you will render your child powerless, thereby encouraging rebellion and deception, and undermine your relationship at key stages of development. Be prepared to explain yourself and to make allowances. Balance what your child says, what the government decrees, what other children are doing and what other parents allow with what you believe, and make a judgement on that basis.
Take the time to explain your thinking. Unexplained rules set for the sake of them will do nothing but cause frustration and resistance. What’s more, your child will learn nothing except how to accept defeat, and the defeat will breed resentment in the process. If you explain your reasons and your thinking, and are consistent about the way you approach the things that matter, your child will learn to respect you and what you believe in, even if there are a few battles along the way. This is particularly likely if you show willingness to compromise and to accommodate their demands from time to time.
UNHAPPY CHILDREN
Children growing up in the United Kingdom suffer greater deprivation, worse relationships with their parents and are exposed to more risks from alcohol, drugs and unsafe sex than those in any other wealthy country in the world, according to a 2007 study from the United Nations.
The UK is bottom of the league of 21 economically advanced countries according to a ‘report card’ put together by UNICEF on the well-being of children and adolescents, trailing the US which comes second to last. The UNICEF team assessed the treatment of children in six different areas: material well-being; health and safety; educational well-being; family and peer relationships; behaviours and risks; and young people’s own perceptions of their well-being.
If nothing else, this provides parents with even more impetus to get things right, and to ensure that the choices we make for our children are in their best interests and make a positive contribution to their overall health and well-being.
For each entry in this book, you’ll find practical advice and tips for dealing with tricky situations, negotiating compromise or getting the information you need to explain why certain behaviours or activities are unacceptable. You’ll also find lots of information that you can share with your children, if you find it difficult to explain your position. For example, it can be hard to know when to talk about drugs or sex with children, and how to approach it in the right way. While you want to get your own views across, there are also statistics and facts that children need to understand in order to make their own decisions. You’ll find plenty of advice about how to talk to your children about various subjects, what to say, when to say it – and how to get the message across in the least threatening way.
This is a book for all parents – because all parents have questions and concerns, and all of us question the way we should be bringing up our children. Use your judgement, be willing to negotiate where necessary, be consistent in your approach to issues, discipline and beliefs, and, ultimately, base your decisions on your individual child. This book is based on facts, research, theories and plenty of practical advice, which will help to guide your decision.
WHAT CHILDREN THINK
The study ‘Child Maltreatment in the UK’, published in November 2000 by the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC), revealed a general picture of close supervision by parents. Its survey of 3,000 young people between the ages of eighteen and twenty-four years old in England and Wales found that:
Meanwhile, a 1990s survey of 4,000 parents by the children’s charity Kidscape found that most parents allowed children:
