Twenty-Eight
Edinburgh
The cotton sheets feel smooth and crisp between her fingers as she grips the covers. The knuckles on her hands are white and bloodless, the contrast stark. As she weakly reaches for the mask, sweat slowly trickles down from the inside of her armpit. She gets what she wants but the heady smell of rubber almost overwhelms her before the gas and air mercifully take effect.
‘The quicker the hell, the quicker the peace.’
The voice of the woman rasps the tired adage.
The girl will have to look elsewhere for comfort. Here, she will find only contempt. She looks around, as she has done many times in the many hours since she was brought to this place. The panelled walls are adorned with ancient smoke-damaged oil paintings, of thin lipped ancestors: no succour will be found there either.
The girl throws her head back against the plump, pillows, her black curls sticking to her damp forehead. Another wave of pain overwhelms her, pushing her further down into the abyss. She almost welcomes the pain: she has ignored the ache within her heart for so long that concrete physical agony serves to remind her that, despite everything, she is still alive.
The handcuff around her left wrist cuts deeply into her flesh. The skin is red and swollen from earlier attempts to escape. She no longer has the enthusiasm to plan her getaway. Reluctantly, she accepts she is securely chained to the antique brass bed frame. Her desire, her need to be free, has waned. She is sapped of strength, resigned to her fate.
Giving birth has that effect.
She gasps one word: ‘Water,’ adding ‘Please,’ as an afterthought.
‘Do you really believe that being polite is going to change my plans?’ The nurse expects an answer. None is forthcoming. There is a battle for life going on in the bed in front of her, and strength cannot be wasted on unnecessary words. ‘You must be even more stupid than I gave you credit for.’
The girl tries to wet her lips. Her pulse visibly pounds in her neck. Her mouth tastes like rusty iron filings. Her mind races from one thought to another–the taste of terror reminds her of the dilapidated railings near the school gate.
Frantically, her eyes search for water to cleanse her mouth. In every situation the girl looks for something to be grateful for, at this precise moment she is thankful that she cannot imagine what might happen next, appreciative that her mind has narrowed to the extent that all she can think of is water.
There is only so much she can do. This baby has plans of its own. It will be born with or without her cooperation. Without concern for its own fate once it enters this world.
The nurse will not give her the courtesy of silence. ‘Don’t lie there feeling sorry for yourself. Start pushing, and get this little bastard out.’
A soft, scraping sound fills the room as the nurse bustles importantly, her tights rubbing on her thighs and drowning out the sound of the clock. The girl still knows without the help of any clock–her time is running out.
She may not have water–but she needs fresh air.
‘Open the window.’
She despises the way her voice sounds. Reedy and helpless. This time the nurse obliges. The girl/child painfully screws her eyes shut, as the heavy red velvet curtains are drawn back, flooding the room with brilliant sunshine.
