my son.’
Amber couldn’t take her eyes off him. His words had rendered her unable to move, her stomach now knotted so tight she felt sick. Really sick. ‘Brandon… Brandon Palmer? Oh Jesus, this is crazy… this is fucking crazy…’
He tried to take her hand but she pulled it away, finally pushing past him and walking out of the room, running upstairs.
‘Amber, baby, please… Let me explain…’ Jim ran after her, taking the stairs two at a time to catch up with her, following her into their bedroom.
‘I don’t know if I want to hear it, Jim. I really need to get my head around this.’
‘Of course you do. Jesus, I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I’ve been so stupid…’
She sat down on the edge of the bed, suddenly feeling as though every emotion had just been sucked out of her. She felt devoid of any feeling. And she really didn’t know what to do next. She just couldn’t think straight.
‘I should have told you, Amber.’
‘Yes. You should.’ She clasped her hands together in her lap, her head spinning from events that had happened so fast she felt dizzy, even though she was sitting down.
‘Me and his mom, it didn’t work out. It never even went beyond that one night, but…’
‘You were with her long enough to father a child.’
‘Amber…’
‘Which is something you might never get the chance to do with me.’
It was Jim’s turn to look confused. ‘What… what do you mean? Amber?’
‘I don’t know if I can have kids, Jim. That’s what I mean.’
Jim was still confused, his heart beating like a drum as he watched her wring her hands, her eyes staring straight ahead. ‘Amber? Honey? I don’t understand…’
‘I guess you’re not the only one who’s been keeping secrets.’
This whole day was turning out to be one big mind-fuck. For both of them. What the hell was she talking about?
He sat down next to her, trying once more to take her hand but she wasn’t giving in, even though, right now, she needed her husband more than she’d ever needed him before. But she needed the husband she’d had ten minutes ago, not the one sitting beside her now.
‘Ever since I was young – very young – I’ve known that there’s a chance I might not be able to conceive a child of my own,’ Amber began, surprised to find that no tears were ready to fall, even though she felt like crying. She really, really felt like crying. ‘A ruptured appendix and a nice dose of peritonitis saw to that. But I clung to hope, you know? Tried to look on the positive side of things because I hate being a pessimist. It’s such hard work.’
Jim couldn’t help a small smile appearing as traces of the Amber he knew and loved tried to show themselves. But, at the same time, what she was telling him was quite hard to take in.
‘But there comes a time when you’ve just got to face up to the truth.’ She looked straight at him, her eyes boring into his. ‘Even if it isn’t something you want to face up to at all.’
‘Amber, baby…’
She turned away from him again, her hands still clasped in her lap, although she’d stopped wringing them now and had started fiddling with her wedding ring instead. ‘When you walked back into my life I fell in love so hard, Jim. If I’d ever fallen out of love with you in the first place, that is. Which I don’t think I ever did. And this might surprise you, but I’ve always wanted that happy family kind of thing – marriage, domesticity, husband… two-point-four kids. I’ve always wanted that. It just had to be with the right man, that’s all.’ She looked at him, and this time he was sure he felt his heart breaking. There was so much sadness in her eyes and he’d added to that – again. ‘You were that right man, Jim. You always have been. I married my dream guy, don’t you see?’ She let out a slightly cynical laugh, once more diverting her eyes away from his.
‘Why didn’t you talk to me, Amber? When you said you wanted a baby I had no idea…’
‘For a few days I just wanted to believe that everything would be simple. That we’d go to bed, make love, and hey presto, I’d fall pregnant. You have no idea how many times I’ve dreamt about that scenario.’
‘Amber, honey, look at me. Please, baby, look at me.’
She slowly turned her head, tears now threatening big time, stinging her eyes. ‘But that scenario is probably never going to happen now.’
‘You don’t know that,’ Jim said quietly, trying to reach for her hand yet again, but still she resisted.
‘I’ve seen a doctor. He’s a specialist in this field and… Debbie got me an appointment.’
‘Debbie? Why… why didn’t you talk to me, Amber? Jesus, you told Debbie?’
‘She’s my friend, Jim. And I had to talk to someone.’
‘I’m your husband…’
‘And I didn’t see the need to tell you until I knew what I was dealing with.’
He looked down at his own hands, also clasped tightly in his lap. ‘Shit, Amber…’ He looked back up at her, his stomach turning over and over so many times, he couldn’t seem to stop it. ‘And… and what are we dealing with?’
She shrugged, pushing a hand through her hair. ‘I don’t know. Well, I mean, I don’t know for sure, but… I’ve got to go and see Dr. Lowry – the specialist – tomorrow. I guess I’ll find out then.’
‘Tomorrow? You… you mean you’ve gone through all of this on your own?’
‘I’ve had Debbie with me. She’s been amazing.’
Jim stood up, pacing the floor. He’d thought all he’d have to face today would be the aftermath of Amber finding out about Brandon, but this was crazy. This was something else. He’d had no idea she’d been going through all that. He’d had no idea just how much she wanted a baby. His baby. Why the hell hadn’t she just talked to him?
‘I’m coming with you. Tomorrow,’ Jim said, sitting back down beside her. ‘I want to be there, I want to be with you.’
Amber shook her head. ‘No, Jim, I… I’m still trying to get my head around the bombshell that you’re Brandon Palmer’s dad, and that’s enough to deal with right now. So I’m not sure I…’ Not sure she was what? What wasn’t she sure of? She couldn’t even think straight right now let alone make any real decisions. ‘I just don’t know if I want you there.’
‘Amber, honey, I’m your husband, and I love you…’
She stared at him. ‘Do you? Do you really? Only, you keep doing this to me, Jim. You keep throwing shit at me and then expect me to deal with it just like that, and I really don’t know if I’ve got the energy to deal with any of it anymore.’
