parenting. Whilst that had an element of truthfulness in it, the part of her that nobody really knew much about was the part that was screaming out for help. But she was too frightened to acknowledge it and she spent all day, every day, squashing it deep down so that she didn’t have to accept the fact that her family life was a mess. Her children spent more time being pulled from pillar to post and having Harriet shout and stress at them than actually enjoying the company of their mum.
When Harriet was forced to become a single parent and watch her husband walk out on them, she decided that she could go one of two ways – she could wallow, feel sorry for herself and fall into a cycle of depression and self-destruction, or, she could pick herself up and do what needed to be done to make ends meet. Which, being the type of person she was, was what she’d done. However, along the way Harriet seemed to have lost her focus and instead of plunging into the Supermum role she’d envisaged, she’d become a crazed work-a-holic who hardly spent any time with her children and found herself snowed under at work with no one to turn to.
This holiday would be a real test for her. She wanted to use the time away from work to refocus and find answers. Unfortunately, work didn’t seem to have got that memo! Harriet didn’t need sleep anyway – it was totally overrated.
‘Mummy … Mummy … Mummy … Mummy…?’
Harriet groaned as she turned to face Isla who was tapping her on the arm for the millionth time. ‘Yes darling?’
‘Can we go for some breakfast, I’m hungry? And Tommy’s done a poo – he stinks!’
Harriet looked at the clock: 05:55.
‘Isla, it’s too early for breakfast – they don’t start serving until 7 a.m.’ Isla moaned. ‘I’m sorry, sweetheart.’
‘But I’m starving! I haven’t had anything to eat for ageeees!’
‘Slight exaggeration Isla, you had dinner and pudding last night.’ Harriet tried to keep her eyes open against the brightness of the sunshine streaming through their window.
‘But that was forever ago. I’m hungry.’ Isla dropped her bottom lip into a sulk.
‘Darling, Mummy can’t magic food out of nowhere, you’ll just have to wait.’
‘But I’m starving!’
‘You are not starving, Isla, you ate last night. All those poor children in the world who are starving and you’re moaning because you haven’t eaten for a few hours – be realistic!’ Isla recoiled at Harriet’s raised voice and she instantly felt guilty for her reaction. The children didn’t realise she had only been asleep a couple of hours, and why should they? It was times like this that Harriet wanted to grab and shake herself and scream what are you doing? She hated the person she was becoming. She was so proud of her career and she knew just how much she had achieved but it had come at a price. She just couldn’t understand how people managed family and work side by side successfully, and yet there were millions of people out there doing it. Why couldn’t she? She could see everything that was wrong with what she was doing but she just didn’t have a clue how to fix it. And it needed fixing. Isla’s little face, awash with shock at her mother’s outburst was enough to pick apart more of the thread of parenting self-doubt that was slowly but surely unravelling. It shouldn’t be this hard to be a mum. It was supposed to come naturally. ‘You’ll just know what to do when you’re a mum,’ people would say to her. ‘It’s one of the most natural things in the world.’
Yeah right, she thought. Maybe she was broken then, because it sure as hell wasn’t coming naturally to her. She looked at Isla’s little face and was brought back to the moment with a guilty bang. ‘Sorry darling – Mummy’s just tired.’
Isla sloped off the bed and climbed back onto hers, taking her colouring book out of the bag and beginning to colour, clearly in a mood with Harriet.
It was now that Harriet realised that Isla wasn’t joking about Tommy – she could smell him from where she lay on the other side of the bedroom. She rolled out of bed and walked over to the cot where he was still sleeping. She was tempted to leave him until he woke up, so she could grab a few more minutes sleep but the smell was so pungent she couldn’t ignore it. She gently placed her hand onto his tummy and rubbed. ‘Morning little man.’ She picked him up – trying not to gag – and instantly took him to the bed to change him.
She needed more coffee for this.
Minutes later a gentle tap sounded on the interior adjoining door of her room and Nancy’s head poked round. ‘I heard voices – figured you must be part of the Early Morning Club too?’ She smiled sympathetically.
‘You can only come in if you have coffee.’ Harriet pointed to her sideboard where once stood several sachets of coffee but now stood an empty pot.
Nancy walked in. ‘Jeez, you drunk all your coffee on the first day?’
Harriet shook her head. ‘No, I drank some of my coffee and Tommy decided to put the rest down the toilet.’ Harriet could see the laugh growing on Nancy’s lips. ‘I swear, if you laugh, I may have to kill you.’
‘I’ll make you some from my room – give me a minute.’
True to her word, a moment later Nancy returned with two mugs of coffee and Jack following closely behind, his headphones on and iPad in hand.
‘Oh, you are a lifesaver.’ Harriet sipped the steaming drink and instantly relaxed a little. It wasn’t up to the standard of her coffee machine at work, which she was practically attached to intravenously, but it was caffeine and it would have to do.
‘So, what’s the reason for the early get up? Although by the smell of your room I think I might be able to guess.’ Nancy wrinkled her nose and opened the window.
‘Yeah, Tommy woke Isla up with the smell and so she woke me up.’
‘Morning Isla,’ Nancy said, glancing over to Harriet’s eldest who was still sulking on the bed. ‘What’s up?’ Nancy asked, nodding her head over to her.
‘She’s hungry and wants breakfast but they don’t start serving until 7.’
‘I’ve got some cereal bars, yoghurt and fruit in my room if she wants some?’
Harriet looked at her friend, confused. ‘Why have you got cereal bars, yogurt and fruit?’
‘Because I know Jack gets hungry first thing and I have to make sure I have stuff as a backup if there are places where they don’t do food that he likes.’
Harriet felt a mix of elation – that she could offer Isla some food now – and sadness – because this only highlighted how bad at parenting she was. Why didn’t she think of packing stuff like that? ‘Isla, Nancy has some cereal bars in her room if you want one?’
Isla immediately jumped up. ‘Yes, yes, yes! I’ll get it – where are they?’ But she had already disappeared into the next room before hearing a reply.
‘I’ll go,’ Nancy laughed, following.
When
