stood up. ‘Looks like we have company today then.’ She didn’t miss the flicker of disappointment on her friend’s face and it was like a punch to the stomach. What was she supposed to do? Jack was always going to come first in anything Nancy did but she really resented this when it affected those around her. And this happened more often than people thought. She had lost friends in the past because she wasn’t able to stick to play dates or when she did go, it ended in disaster. It started by those around her giving her space when Jack was uneasy and ended with her just not being invited out at all anymore. She still occasionally spoke to these mums, but they weren’t her friends and they never included her in their get-togethers. Now here she was again, potentially messing up another friendship. She had known Harriet so long, she didn’t think she was so fickle as to let this affect their friendship, but the disappointed flicker in her friend’s eyes was enough to make Nancy feel really shit. Her life was led by Jack and his behaviour and even though she knew he couldn’t help it, it was a tough pill to swallow.
Harriet quickly covered her disappointment and replied, ‘No worries. Let’s go.’
The girls made their way back to the entrance and as they exited through the doors, the smiling lady caught them.
‘Oh, are you not staying with us, little man?’
Jack hid further into Nancy’s skirt. ‘He’s not feeling very confident today, so I think we’ll try again another day.’ She smiled and tried to continue walking but the woman crouched down to his level.
‘We have lots of games and toys to play with and all the ladies are very lovely – you’ll have a great time.’
Jack’s hands becoming increasingly whiter as he gripped Nancy’s skirt. He had started to rock slightly too. It wasn’t noticeable enough for anyone else to spot it, but Nancy knew he was incredibly anxious right now. She needed to get him away from this situation to a place where he could relax. She reached into her bags to retrieve his Calm Cards. A while back Nancy and Jack had spent an afternoon finding pictures of all Jack’s favourite things and they’d printed them off and laminated them, so that whenever he was feeling anxious, he could take some time out to look at his cards and get into a better headspace. So far, they had been a hit. He had pictures of him and Nancy, pictures of buildings he had visited and landmarks from all over the world. Jack loved architecture so looking at structural pictures was calming for him. She rummaged around in her bag and after a moment felt the disappointment settle as she realised she must’ve left them up in the room. She cursed herself – she never usually went anywhere without them. The tension was building and she could feel her temples pulsating.
‘I think it’s probably best if we try another day.’
But the woman just wasn’t giving up.
‘I know, why don’t you give it a try for just an hour and then if you don’t like it, we can call Mummy? How’s that sound?’ And then she did the one thing she shouldn’t have done.
She took his headphones off.
The next few minutes felt like a lifetime for Nancy, and yet everything seemed to happen so quickly.
The first thing was the rapid movement of Jack’s arm swinging at the lady, catching her square on the chin as he flung both arms up when he felt his headphones being removed. Nancy couldn’t move quickly enough to stop the connection of his fist hitting the lady’s face. The woman recoiled in surprise and screeched which caused Jack to let out an almighty wail as he struggled to take in the sudden commotion around him.
‘Jack, no! It’s OK!’ Nancy called to him, reaching out her hands to try and stop the swinging of his arms as he became more panicked and unsettled. But in moments like this, Jack had an unbelievable strength that would challenge the world’s strongest man.
Nancy frantically tried to calm him, making shushing noises and reassuring him that everything was OK, but he was already in the meltdown zone. His anxiety had been building the whole time they had been at the kids’ club and the woman removing the comfort blanket of his headphones had tipped him over the edge. Nancy knew he was too far gone now to be pulled back easily. His face contorted with distress, bright red with a look of fear spread across it. He was holding his ears as though someone had hurt them, and it broke Nancy’s heart. She was so angry at herself. If she had said no at the start, then none of this would be happening. Instead, her little boy was frightened and distressed and it was her fault. She felt sick with frustration.
‘Nancy, what do you want me to do?’ Harriet called to her, but she barely heard her, her focus was now purely on trying to calm Jack down.
‘Here, Jack, have your headphones back.’ She held them out to him, but he batted them away with his hands, dropping to the floor and squirming around as his cry became a wail.
The woman who had started all this was standing open-mouthed, staring at him as she held the area on her face where he had whacked her. She looked from Jack, to Nancy, then back to Jack, unsure of what exactly was unfolding in front of her. She didn’t understand, nobody understood. It was an incredibly lonely place to be when you were parenting an autistic child.
‘I need to let him get it out of his system,’ Nancy said to Harriet, pleading with her eyes for her friend to not judge and just be there. Harriet had never judged her, but the scars from those who had were still raw. Harriet, true to form, just nodded and smiled, showing her unwavering support and this meant more to Nancy than anything she could have said. Words were nice, but it was the comradery of support shown in Harriet’s actions that spoke the loudest. She had her friend by her side and she was going to get through this. She hoped.
‘What an earth is going on out here!’ Another member of staff had joined them from inside the kids’ club and her gaze instantly went to Jack on the floor writhing about in distress. ‘Oh dear, does somebody not want to come in today? He’ll be fine once he’s in, Mum, go on, off you go and we’ll take little man in with us.’ The woman began to kneel down to Jack who instantly kicked out and just missed making contact with her face. She jumped back in surprise and made a comment about being unruly under her breath. This made Nancy’s blood boil because it was the conclusion that so many people came to without knowing anything about the situation. So many children were branded as misbehaving without anyone looking into why they were behaving in that way. Not only did she have to deal with the pressure of watching her son clearly distressed and inconsolable, but she also had to listen to people who thought they were child behaviour experts pass judgement on them.
‘He’s not naughty!’ Nancy found herself throwing the words back at the woman although she wasn’t sure why she bothered. People like that were never going to understand.
‘Oh no, I didn’t say that ma’am.’ The look on her face said different.
‘Come on, Jack, let’s go.’ Nancy said, trying to be more authoritative when inside she was feeling totally helpless. She just knew she needed to get both Jack and herself away from this situation. But as she moved towards him he lashed out at her too, grasping tighter at his ears, practically ripping them from his head. He was pulling at them so much they had turned a deep shade of crimson and looked so sore. ‘Jack, stop it! Stop pulling your ears and put these on!’ She shoved the headphones at him, but he couldn’t seem to concentrate on anything except stopping the feeling that was making him so uncomfortable. His wails became sobs and he curled up into a ball, rocking.
‘Hari…’
