up like a motorcycle display team.
There’s understandable concern in the UK that the conflict could spread across the Middle East. It would clearly be a calamity – another 5p on petrol. Basically, the Palestinians took a wrong turn back in 2006. They were offered a free democratic vote, and they went and voted for the wrong party. Let’s look at this historically and realistically. Germany should buy Crete from Greece and give it to one or other of them.
Like most of the international community I’d like to see a two-state solution, where people live side by side. I’d like to see one state occupied by Israel. An aggressive, destructive military power who stops at nothing to bulldoze and bomb their neighbours. And I’d like the second state to be Essex.
But congratulations are due to US Secretary of State John Kerry on getting the Israelis and Palestinians in the same room together. Apparently his trick was to give the Pales-tinian representatives a room first, then put the Israelis in one next door, and wait. Initial talks went better than expected due to Kerry’s radical approach. He told Middle East peace envoy Tony Blair they were being held in Turkey. Blair’s not had the best record in his role. He has more the air of a man sent ahead to check stabling facilities for the Four Horsemen.
Allegations of chemical weapons being used by the Syrian government have raised the possibility of Western intervention. To summarise, the Syrians are killing each other with the wrong type of weapons, so we’re going to kill them. Syria’s war is much easier to bear if you think of the past two years of death and destruction as an elaborate opening ceremony to World War Three. Poor Syria. Now the papers have started printing pictures of dead children, maybe we will see the ones killed in US drone attacks, or shall we wait for the hardback coffee table book? The heartbreaking photos have opened the world’s eyes – if you want people to care about your dead children make sure they die in a way that’s not icky to photograph.
One of Syria’s tactics is trying to destabilise Iraq by flooding it with refugees. A bit like a humanitarian version of Buckaroo. Interesting how it’s often the militant Islamists whom Arab dictators are killing; wonder where they got that idea from? Looks like any invading American force would have to start their mission by saying, ‘Now . . . this is awkward . . .’
I can’t believe our MPs voted not to back the US. The UK’s going to look as stupid as back in the 1960s, when we chose not to follow them into Vietnam. As I write, we’re being told that, unlike Danny Dyer, America must now act to maintain its credibility. The UK said any bombing would only be for 12 hours – but remember to always round projected war timings up to the nearest decade. The big question is all about UN approval. Does the West need to bother pretending to get it or not? It’s all about making surgical strikes. From 100 miles offshore. Like having your appendix removed by a circus knife-thrower.
Things are now so bad there that Bernie Ecclestone’s put in a call to President Assad about hosting a Grand Prix and we’ve been dropping in troops as ‘advisors’. It’s all perfectly legal so long as when they shoot someone they say ‘I advise you to die.’ In some ways I suppose Syria’s lucky. Imagine how bad things would be there without the years of skilful work by Mr Blair.
Blair says we must take a stand against al-Qaeda in North Africa. Although obviously he doesn’t mean that he personally will be taking a stand as he doesn’t want to get shot. He’d like you or your kids to get shot, for something that the untrained eye might think should possibly be the business of, and I admit I’m going way out on a limb here, North Africans. Cameron’s warned that the UK could be fighting al-Qaeda there for decades. Or to put it another way, until the oil runs out.
Cameron even did a tour of North Africa’s most dangerous spots. That’s a bit like the head of an abusive, violent family visiting the foster homes all his grandchildren have been placed in, then lecturing them that they need to behave if they’re ever going to get anywhere. Cameron visited Martyrs’ Square in Tripoli, where the riots began. Wonder when he last popped in on Tottenham?
No one seems to be concerned that we’re just about to launch a war against Africa. I’m guessing the public will only begin to take notice when a cluster bomb intended for a primary school hiding enemy combatants accidentally kills a baby elephant. If the war in Africa escalates, Broadway musicals will be uniquely placed to react to events with a topical show by simply performing The Lion King and Miss Saigon in the same theatre. This might be the only campaign where the RAF drops red noses before doing a loop and then launching missiles.
Western leaders have expressed their support for the new government of Libya, telling them it’s a time for calm, reflection and rearmament. Hopefully, the rival clans will now be brought together by their rich shared history, going back almost sixty years when their country was created by the French and the English whipping out a pen and ruler after a piss-up.
Libya is far from poor. Apart from its oil, being 90 per cent desert has made it the world’s largest exporter of egg timers. They could now make a fortune from tourism. The beautiful coastline and Roman ruins make it ideal. Plus all the random weaponry would be ideal for men on stag weekends to rent for drunken camel shoots.
The campaign was a triumph for NATO, their in-house magazine praising the campaign of air strikes with the headline, ‘4 schools, 2 hospitals . . . but no weddings this time!’ The campaign does send a strong message to the remaining tyrants in the Middle East. Look what might happen if you drive too hard a bargain with our oil companies.
*I don’t really think this. Murderers (for good reasons) tend not to leave witnesses. The whole Batman story is just the revenge fantasy of a little boy dying in an alley.
It’s difficult to understand why Britain and other European countries can’t agree on anything. It’s as if they each speak a different language. Why is Europe such a big issue? The entire world is pretty much run by a network of banks so the whole question of Europe is largely about whether or not we want access to a slightly wider range of cheeses. One reason for its importance politically is that it’s a kind of last refuge of racism. Not a lot of those anti-Europeans want us to leave Europe so we can join Africa.
The other reason is that the City of London is essentially a big tax haven. We launder a lot of the world’s stolen loot here in Britain, and our politicians view Europe as regulation. The general attitude is that of a pirate ship being asked to sign up to regular health and safety inspections.
I’m in the happy position of hating both anti-Europeans and most of Europe. I remember that whole guilt trip at the time of the Greek bailout about how the Greeks had no work ethic, the Spanish didn’t work long enough hours, and they were all being bailed out by hard-working Germans. Have you been to Germany? It’s a fucking nightmare. Everybody works the whole time so they’re all stressed out and the smaller towns have almost nothing in them as nobody has any free time in which to do anything. The Greeks are being punished for attempting to lead some kind of life worth living while international finance tries to persuade them of the fun they could have as a work camp.
Cameron says the in/out referendum in 2017 will settle the ‘European question’ although it’s still to be decided whether there will be a third option of shaking it all about. But it all depends on the Tories being re-elected. So the chances of the referendum happening are about the same as Ireland building a space station. Besides, 2017 is years away. We don’t know what the world will be like then. Other than that we’ll be
