‘Splat him!’ the children screamed. Robbie grabbed the cell bars and shook his head vigorously, mouthing something Ed couldn’t hear over the roaring of the audience, but which looked suspiciously like, Bollocks to that.
‘Let him have it!’ declared Brian triumphantly, and a bucket that had been hovering above Robbie’s head tipped over and released a yellow goo over his head.
‘Camera one, zoom in,’ said the director over talkback.
The camera zoomed in to see Robbie’s expression as the yellow gunk slicked down his face and chest.
Robbie wiped the gunk away from his eyes with his fingers and licked his lips. There was an anxious pause in the room before Robbie said in his soft Northern accent, ‘Mmmn, lemon curd, nice. Can I have a jar to take back to me mam, sir?’
As the audience cheered their raucous approval, Ed saw the faces of Robbie’s people relax.
The camera moved away to Kirsty. ‘Ha-ha! Now let’s see the new video from 5ive – they’re going to be here next week and we’re going to give them a proper Skool’s Out welcome, aren’t we?’
Ed’s shoulders relaxed briefly, but they immediately tensed again as he felt someone sidle up to him and gently pinch his bottom. He turned sharply and was immensely relieved to see Charlotte Finney, the show’s design director, standing next to him. They were virtually the same age, but, while Ed was still working his way up the ranks as a lowly junior, Charlotte was responsible not only for the way the show looked, but also the tone and feel. All the senior managers took her seriously, though, judging from her expression, she was feeling anything but serious. She gave him a cheeky wink.
‘Thank God it’s you!’
‘Who else were you expecting to make contact with your sexy arse, Ed?’ she said huskily.
‘God knows in this madhouse,’ he whispered back. ‘I’d better go.’
There would now be a brief three-minute video interlude for everyone to get to their new place, make a quick costume change and prepare for the next segment.
Ed shot Charlotte a look that said sorry and raced over to release Robbie from his temporary cell. A posse of Robbie’s people and studio assistants followed hot on his heels, bringing hot towels and clean clothes for the star. Declining their offers of help, Robbie took off his T-shirt and used it to wipe away the yellow slime while flaunting his taut and tanned six-pack.
‘Keith, you fucker, I’ll get you back for that!’ he said good-naturedly to Brian’s puppeteer, Keith Puckley, who had extricated himself from Brian’s undercarriage.
‘Didn’t they tell you at stage school that this would happen, Rob?’ Brian shot back.
‘Fuck off!’ Robbie grinned, and playfully poked Keith’s middle-aged paunch. ‘Who ate all the pies, eh? I think we know the answer to that one!’
‘Must mean I’m in with a chance as your replacement in Take That – give your mate Gary Barlow a call and tell him I’m free.’
Before they could trade further insults, Ed interjected: ‘Keith, you’re not free yet – Brian has to judge the burping competition in one minute. Robbie, we need to get you cleaned up for the finale. You’re singing us out with “Rock DJ”.’
‘Oh yeah, ace.’ With a final grin at Keith, Robbie headed off to make-up, entourage of flunkies in tow.
Ed and Keith looked at each other. Only another thirty agonising minutes to go, then they could all breathe out.
An hour and a half later, Robbie had been dispatched in his limo, the kids had all been loaded on the coaches that would take them home to Milton Keynes or wherever it was they had come from, and Ed was sitting on the steps at the rear entrance of Channel 7’s Soho studios, smoking a crafty cigarette. The doors behind him opened with a crash as Keith, still accompanied by Brian the Cat, emerged. The puppet was operated from below with a combination of levers and sticks, which allowed his limbs to function. Brian’s head and body lolled lifeless over Keith’s arm.
‘Thank fuck that’s over for another week,’ said Keith with feeling as he plonked himself down on the step next to Ed. ‘I’m getting too old for all this shit.’
‘Rubbish,’ said Ed. ‘The show wouldn’t work without Brian. You love it, you know you do.’
Keith grunted something unintelligible in reply, lighting up his cigarette and pulling heavily on it.
The back door opened again and Charlotte stepped out. He wasn’t aware of it, but Ed’s face lit up as if it had been illuminated by a thousand-watt light bulb. Charlotte was dressed in green army combat trousers and a fitted black T-shirt that showed just a hint of her soft creamy belly when she lifted her arms up. Her choppy, layered red hair, probably a shade of red that didn’t occur in nature, framed her oval face and made her green eyes greener. Charlotte had told Ed that she was actually a blonde, but he didn’t care. He thought she was utterly gorgeous.
‘Keith Puckley, put that cigarette out now!’ She pointed at Keith accusingly. ‘If Brian gets a fag burn it’ll be Muggins here that’ll have to sit up all night stitching him, or, God forbid, making another one from scratch – which I’ve already had to do once, thanks to the Christmas party shenanigans.’
‘Sorry, Charlotte,’ said Keith meekly. ‘I was gasping.’
‘Oh, all right, but be careful.’ Charlotte softened and ruffled Brian’s fur affectionately. ‘God knows why, but I’ve become attached to the horrible little bastard.’
‘You wouldn’t want to be as attached to him as I am. Feel like I can’t get away from the little bugger,’ he said gloomily.
Charlotte patted his arm sympathetically. ‘Maybe it’s time to put Brian back in his box, Keith. It’s been a long day.’
‘You’re probably right.’ Keith stubbed out his cigarette and stood up. ‘Time to go home.’
As he departed he said, ‘And no getting up to any hanky-panky, you two. I might be an old duffer but I don’t miss much.’
Ed and Charlotte tried to look innocent. ‘I don’t what you mean, Keith,’ Charlotte said, trying to stop a grin from spreading over her face.
‘A likely story.’ He wished them goodnight and headed inside.
After a moment, once she was sure he’d gone, Charlotte inched closer to Ed so that their thighs were touching. Her hand crept under the back of his T-shirt and she leaned in to nibble his ear.
Ed’s senses felt under assault; she smelled of fresh meadow flowers and Ed could feel the swell of her breasts against his chest. It took all his willpower not to reach under her T-shirt and slip his hand under her bra. Despite this, it was Ed who pulled away first.
‘We’d better be careful, someone might see us.’
Charlotte slipped her hand into his. ‘They all know already. Look at Keith – and he’s well out of the gossip loop.’
‘No.’ Ed shook his head. ‘They don’t know. Not officially, anyway,
