a white bougainvillea from the neighbouring garden to climb to our side of the fence. Helen had said that that was a sort of magic – it was like stealing, but nobody lost anything. The more people loved and cared for the plant, the more there was to go around. There were tall sunflowers, their faces raised to the clear blue sky and delicate blue Agapanthus. Helen and I had made a shady bower, with green grass to sit on, and she was there now, resting against the garden wall and reading. Throughout the summer, this little oasis had given me so much joy, but now I found myself looking at the scene with a sense of disquiet. ‘What’s wrong?’ she asked as I dropped onto the grass next to her.
‘This is our last year at school. What do we do at the end of the year?’
She put her book down and looked at me. ‘Will you go back to live with the Reeds?’
‘Never.’
She took my hand. ‘You’re still thinking about John, aren’t you?’
I nodded. It had been a long time before I’d even told Helen about that day in the sports shed and about my cousin coming into my room. Even now I couldn’t make sense of what he’d been doing. ‘He probably goes after prettier girls now.’
‘Oh, Jane. You are pretty. Don’t you know that?’
She always said that, and I always wanted to believe her. But when I looked at the other girls, I knew it wasn’t true. I was bony where they had curves. My plain brown hair was flat and fine, not glossy like some of the others. I barely dared to try putting on make-up. I didn’t know how to stop it looking like a painted mask. At best, I hoped to be forgettable.
‘I don’t know anything, Helen. I’ve lived here since I was just a child. We both have.’ I was realising rapidly that in a few short months we’d have to leave this place. We’d have to leave this garden. We’d have to leave the nuns and lay teachers who’d been our guides through life so far. And we’d have to go… where? I tried to explain what I meant.
‘The only time we leave is to go on school trips. We really don’t know what’s out there.’ The idea was overwhelming – there was a whole world waiting to chew us up. ‘Maybe we should stay here and become nuns?’
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