now I advertise regularly in Country at Heart and Skint Old Northern Woman, I get even more orders.’
‘But they do all taste completely different,’ Raffy said slowly.
‘Yes, and it can’t all be in the mind if you and I didn’t know they were the same chocolate,’ Felix said.
‘That’s right. So we’ve proved magic really works!’ Poppy announced. Her eyes were sparkling and her cheeks now so flushed that I wasn’t sure she should be driving home afterwards.
Felix, I noticed, had his arm resting along the back of her chair…while Raffy was still looking at me with a hint of that dog-waiting-to-be-forgiven expression in his eyes, sort of puzzled and hopeful together.
We didn’t stay late, and when we came out into the cool night air it was a magical sort of evening: there were a lot of stars in the velvety sky and everything smelled crisp and clean and hopeful.
‘Anyone want to come back to Marked Pages for a cup of coffee, or something stronger?’ Felix offered hospitably.
‘I’d love to,’ Poppy said. ‘I haven’t had a whole day off for yonks.’
‘Actually, I think I’ll call it a night. I seem to have packed a lot into today,’ I said.
‘Me too, and I’ll walk you to your door, seeing I’m going that way,’ Raffy said.
It was hardly likely that I would get mugged in the few paces between the corner where the other two left us and my cottage door, but it only took me half that distance to make my mind up that there was something I needed to do – and do tonight.
‘Come in,’ I said, cutting Raffy off in mid-farewell and unlocking the door. ‘That is, if it’s OK for vicars to be seen vanishing into single women’s houses straight from the pub at night?’
‘I got ordained, not elevated to sainthood, and I don’t think they excommunicate as long as the vicar is single too.’ He looked down at me in a puzzled sort of way. ‘But Jake will be there to chaperone us anyway, won’t he?’
‘No, he’s staying up at his girlfriend’s house tonight. I think her parents now want to adopt him.’
I led him through the workshop to the sitting room, flicking on lights as I went and dropping my coat and birthday presents on the nearest chair. Then I turned to face him.
‘What is it, Chloe? Do you want me to try and get your boyfriend out of Mann-Drake’s clutches?’ he asked, puzzled.
‘What? Oh, you mean David? No, it’s nothing to do with him. It’s just…well, there’s something I haven’t told you – something about us.’
His eyes on my face, he said slowly, ‘You know, I had an idea there might be something more, but I couldn’t imagine what.’
By now I was feeling my resolution starting to drain slowly away, but having started, I was determined to finish. ‘Poppy said recently that I was putting the blame for everything that had gone wrong in my life onto you, and she was right.’
‘Well, some of it probably was my fault and, if it’s any consolation, I don’t think there have been many weeks that have gone by since we parted when I haven’t regretted losing you, Chloe.’
‘It didn’t make you live like a monk, though, did it?’ I snapped, forgetting the whole forgiveness bit for a minute.
‘No,’ he said evenly, ‘it didn’t do that.’
I turned away and paced up and down, then swung round and faced him. ‘Look, Poppy thinks I’ll only be happy if I come to terms with everything, so here goes: as I told you, I realised as soon as I got back from university that I couldn’t leave Jake again. But I also discovered something else – that I was having your baby.’
He looked stricken and his already pale complexion completely blanched. ‘That explains a lot…it explains everything. Oh, Chloe!’
‘We were a bit careless that last week, weren’t we? All that arguing and making up,’ I said ruefully, though the tears were pricking painfully at the back of my eyes. ‘It wasn’t something I could put in a letter, but I thought when you came to find me I could tell you about the baby and somehow we could work it all out. I can’t imagine how – I couldn’t have left Jake behind, and you wouldn’t have wanted to be saddled with two children when you were just starting off on your career!’
Raffy had sunk down into a chair, his head between his hands, but at this he looked up. ‘But I never came back and you got Rachel’s lying letter instead…But the baby,’ he asked suddenly. ‘You didn’t…?’
‘I didn’t abort it. I hadn’t even got as far as wondering whether I wanted it or not, before I miscarried, right after I got Rachel’s letter.’
‘I wouldn’t have blamed you, whatever you chose to do,’ he said gently.
‘Only Zillah knew about it, because she helped me, though it was so early that it was quickly over…And I did want it – only I didn’t understand that until I’d lost it!’
My voice broke and the welling tears spilled over to run slowly down my face. Raffy sprang up, took one hasty stride and pulled me into his arms. ‘Oh, darling, I’m so sorry! So very, very sorry! I should have thought of that!’
I gave a sigh and rested my head against his broad shoulder, feeling quite drained and empty.
‘I don’t know how to make it up to you,’ he said helplessly.
‘You can’t, it’s past.’
‘But how can you ever fully forgive me? And can I forgive myself?’
I felt his lips brush my hair and without conscious thought turned mine up to meet them in a long, slow kiss. His arms tightened around me and time stood still, with the past, however temporarily, forgotten…
Then suddenly he wrenched away. ‘Oh God, I don’t know what I’m doing! I didn’t mean to—Oh hell, I seem to do nothing but say I’m sorry!’ He pushed his hair back from his pale face with both hands in that achingly familiar way.
‘I – it’s all right,’ I said, slightly dazedly.
‘No, nothing’s right. To think I felt angry with you all these years, and yet—’ He broke off again. ‘I’d better go. But at least now I understand and I promise not to bother you any more and keep out of your way as much as I can.’
‘No, really – I feel much better now everything’s open between us,’ I protested, which suddenly I did. It was like seeing a dark cloud lift, revealing an edge of light.
‘You’re very brave and forgiving, but I feel damnable – or damned – and I need to go and pray.’
I thought he might also have a few blasphemy issues to address too, but I didn’t say so, since he seemed distraught enough as it was.
He kissed me again, but this time very chastely on the forehead, while cupping my face in his hands, then out he went like a troubled spirit
