talking about me—he was talking about someone else.’
‘Oh my God, no way. That’s insane,’ said Lily. ‘I can’t believe that actually happened.’
‘Do you know what’s even worse?’ They all shook their heads. ‘Luisa had chlamydia.’
‘Wait, do you mean …?’
‘I got chlamydia from the one time I had sex.’
The girls burst into laughter, and I grinned with them. I’d never had a sex story to make them laugh before. Normally, it was me sitting there open-mouthed listening to their stories, but being the centre of everything was definitely more fun.
‘That is so funny, Ellie,’ said Maisie. ‘I mean, he sounds like a total wanker, but at least you got a good story out of it.’
‘Yeah, a story and an STD in exchange for my maidenhood. Not a bad deal.’
She laughed in response. ‘Exactly. Hey, Cass, didn’t you get chlamydia twice at uni? That was hysterical.’
‘OK, it wasn’t as bad as it sounds. It was from the same guy.’
‘I’m not so sure that makes it better, Cass,’ said Lara. ‘But if it makes you feel better, I once did something even worse. I broke Jez’s penis.’
‘What?’ I cried. ‘How have I not heard this story?’
‘Shit, did I never tell you?’ she said. ‘God, it was a couple of years ago now. I think you must have been away. It was so funny though. I was on top, and I think the angle was weird, because suddenly he screamed. I got off him and his penis was, like, bent in half. We had to go to hospital and it turned out that I’d given him a penile fracture.’
‘Oh my God, that’s hilarious,’ cried Lily, after we’d all stopped laughing. ‘Reminds me of when I ripped Max’s foreskin in Year Nine after a pretty vigorous hand job.’
‘And that time when you got caught giving him a blow job by his mum! That was amazing,’ said Cass. ‘Ooh, look, the food’s here. We’d better stop being so filthy or we’re going to get kicked out.’
I looked up and saw plates of tiny dishes being served out. There were dozens of them. Seeing as the cheapest thing on the menu was about £7, this was not good. ‘You already ordered?’ I asked uncertainly.
‘Oh yeah, we just got a massive selection of stuff though. We figured it would be easiest,’ said Polly. ‘Doesn’t it look incredible?’
Guess I wasn’t going to be eating a side for my main, then.
‘I cannot believe we ate all of that,’ I said to Lara as everyone else chatted around us. ‘I feel a bit sick now.’
‘I know, right? Especially when Tania decided it was a really good idea for us all to tell our grossest sex moments. Cass’s one is still making me feel a bit ill.’
‘Ugh, yes. Now that’s a new fear for me—remind me not to have period sex. I really can’t handle the thought of him withdrawing and blood splattering onto the white walls. I feel so sorry for sixteen-year-old Cass. Must have been mortifying.’
‘Oh, it was,’ said Cass, leaning over to us. ‘It looked like a scene from The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. There were these red dots on the walls. We had to wipe them off afterwards and they left brown smudges.’
‘Ew, Cass!’
‘But you know what?’ she continued. ‘Weirdly, I had the best orgasm of my life two seconds before bloodgate. Who knew?’
‘Hilarious.’ Lara laughed. ‘I think my best ever orgasm was with this guy I met in my gap year. He had the most gifted tongue I have ever come across. I swear his girlfriend must be the luckiest person in the world.’
‘Oh my God, that is such an important quality in a guy,’ said Cass. ‘I once broke up with someone who refused to go down on me unless I’d showered two minutes before. I think he had hygiene issues.’
I laughed with them and then slipped away to go to the loo. It was fun chatting with the girls—I’d forgotten how funny they could be—but I was starting to feel weird. I knew it wasn’t a big deal that I couldn’t join in with any orgasm stories. Everyone knew I wasn’t exactly experienced and they didn’t really care, but I hated feeling as if I was on the outside of the conversation. It just made me feel left out. They were all having ridiculous amounts of fun having orgasms and casual sex, and I was categorically not.
It made me feel as if we were back in the school common room with everyone sharing funny virginity-losing stories while I still hadn’t even been kissed. I knew things were different now, but it was still shit to not feel part of the main events. I still had no idea what it was like to do a walk of shame, or have period sex, or even get licked out by a guy.
I wanted to have that fun. Now I wasn’t a virgin, why couldn’t I be out there getting with guys? It was fine having orgasms alone in my room, but I wanted to understand the euphoria that girls in movies had every time a guy went down on them. I wanted to know what was so good about sex.
I knew I’d be good at it too. I loved talking about sex and imagining it—if I just had the chance to partake in it a bit more, I bet I’d be a natural. I wouldn’t be the kind of girl who just wanted the guy to marry her in the morning. I’d be more than happy to keep it casual. Hell, I wouldn’t even need to get their number so long as they gave me an orgasm instead.
I stared at myself in the toilet mirror. I could do this. I didn’t have to just spend my twenties dreaming about this lifestyle—I could make it happen. All I needed to do was stop moping, and up my game.
If I wanted to know what it felt like to have orgasm-filled casual sex, well, there was only one thing for it—I had to start having more sex.
As of tomorrow, I needed to start slutting it up.
It was Saturday night and Lara and Emma were sprawled across me on the sofa. I’d explained my plan to them with generally positive receptions, and now we were figuring out a way for me to meet my prospective sexual partners.
‘Ow, Ellie, move your elbow, I can’t see the screen,’ said Lara. I shifted my elbow, splashing rosé on the new third-hand sofa.
‘Oops,’ I said. ‘I should probably clean that up.’
‘No! This is the reason we got a black sofa, remember?’ said Emma. ‘Ignore it and type in the website already.’
‘OK, OK,’ I said. ‘But shouldn’t I be getting Tinder instead of going on a dating site? I feel a bit old-fashioned.’
‘Noooo,’ cried Emma. ‘I don’t care what everyone says—Tinder is still a sex app.’ Lara opened her mouth, but Emma ignored her. ‘I know that’s how everyone met their new boyfriends or whatever, but every guy I know still thinks of it as a way to get quick hook-ups. Like, you don’t even have to fill in any info on it. It’s totally judged on your looks. At least with an
