selves gradually accumulating over thousands of years.
In the middle of the slough, a great white heron spreads its wings as an ibis searches the shallows, against a brilliant backdrop of devastatingly blue, late-afternoon sky. If Monet had painted Florida, this could be his canvas.
For some reason the scene reminds me of the story of Persephone. I wasn’t familiar with Greek myth until I moved to Hollywood. I’d never really studied the classics, but I did hair on the movie Persephone; the scenery we’re passing now reminds me of how Hades, the god of the underworld, broke through the earth in his chariot, grabbed Persephone and carried her back to hell.
I imagine the place where Hades entered was similar to this. I half expect him to come crashing through and drag me back to L.A. Funny, in a roundabout, convoluted way, Mama could’ve likened Chet to Hades, swooping me off to Hollywood far away from her.
I glance at my mother, who looks content as she quietly drives me home. She smiles at me and turns on some music. Patsy Cline’s “Crazy” drifts from the CD player and Mama sings the part, “Crazy for feelin’ so blue…” Her rich alto veering into a velvety harmony.
I suppose, like Persephone, the urge to go home has niggled at me for a while. I just had to get over feeling like going home to Sago Beach meant I’d failed. I mean coming home again after all these years without a whole lot to show for myself—my dream of acting didn’t exactly pan out, I’m childless and my husband died.
But that’s not really failure. Not like three strikes and you’re out. Is it? Because I tried. I really tried to do it on my own. Honestly, it’s taken me this long to come to terms with the fact that I’m a widow.
A widow.
DOWNTOWN SAGO BEACH consists of one long, bricked street stretching through the center of the tiny town like a makeshift movie set.
Main Street runs parallel and two roads west of A1A, which fronts the beach. I’ve always liked how downtown is set apart from the beach-going day-trippers. Still, enough of them find their way over to support the Sago Beach businesses, but since there are no hotels and the town rolls up its welcome mat at five-thirty, they all go back over to Cocoa Beach or the other more touristy destinations for the night.
My first glimpse of home hits me like a favorite flick I’d seen over and over in my youth, but had forgotten how much I loved it. Downtowns like this don’t exist anymore. Certainly not in L.A. They’ve been abandoned and torn down to make way for strip malls and Gallerias. But it’s as though someone has waved a magic wand over downtown Sago Beach, and made time stand still—right down to the banner stretched across the road that reads: “Founder’s Day Celebration and Street Dance.”
It’s been years since I’ve been home, but I recognize the banner. It’s the same one they’ve used every year for as far back as I remember. Everything looks exactly as I last remember it—no, better. Fresher. Lovelier, despite the sameness. Much more comforting than anything since I lost Chet.
The street is lined with locally owned businesses and quaint little one-of-a-kind shops. Even the bank looks pretty and inviting, with its unique sign shaped like a palm tree and window boxes of flaming geraniums. When I left Sago Beach, I didn’t realize all this prettiness was out of the ordinary. Coming home, I recognize it for the rare treasure it is, and I marvel at the wide, clean sidewalks and huge ceramic planters full of sunflowers, all turned toward the street, vying for a place in the soft, late afternoon light.
I wonder if they still change the flowers to celebrate the seasons?
Mama slows the car to a crawl and motions a car behind us to pass, to take it all in.
Oh, there’s the toy store full of games and dolls, hand-crafted stick horses and model trains. My heart contracts when I think of how I used to dream of shopping there for toys for the babies Chet and I would have.
As we inch down Main Street, tears well in my eyes. I roll down the window, and breathe in a great gulp of Sago Beach—air hot as a furnace, laced with a humid, lazy brine. The essence of home. It goes straight to my head and fills my heart with eager apprehension. If eager apprehension is an oxymoron, well, that’s exactly how I feel. Like an oxymoron.
Too young to be a widow. Too old to be on my own and back at square one in this town I left so many years ago…Still, I can’t help but fall in love with it all over again. Changed in so many ways, but longing for everything to still be the same.
Oh, there’s The Riviera, a clothing boutique Mama calls “Resort-Mart.” They sell crisp, expensive resort wear in garish shades of magenta, orange, chartreuse and turquoise. All you need is a little sun damage, some baby-blue, cream eye shadow and a tube of frosted coral lipstick and you, too, can look like you belong among the retired resort set.
Across the street is Paula’s Bakery, which makes the world’s very best Parker House rolls. At the crack of dawn on holidays the line to pick up those coveted rolls stretches down the sidewalk. Ah, and there’s the Yum Yum Shop, a real old-fashioned ice-cream parlor where they still make their own ice cream in flavors like mango, chocolate-covered cherry, café latte, and lavender, in addition to the standard chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, and cookies and cream, which I swear they invented and everyone else copied. It’s right next door to Joe’s Hardware, with its gleaming white clapboard exterior, which is right next to the Sago Diner, which is next to…I gaze down the street, trying to catch a glimpse of the place I’d been holding my breath waiting to see…. My mother’s beauty shop, Tess’s Tresses, and the small apartment above it, where I grew up.
Right there on the corner—With what looks like white bed sheets drawn across the large plateglass window.
“New drapes?” I ask.
“No.” She keeps her gaze pinned on the road as she accelerates into a left turn.
Okay, I can take a hint. We’re not discussing the sheets or drapes or whatever they are. I’ve haven’t even set foot inside the salon. I’ll hold off redecorating it.
She makes two more quick lefts—the first onto Broad Street, which runs behind the storefronts, then into her driveway.
Home.
“My goodness, it’s nearly six o’clock. You’re probably starving, aren’t you?”
I hadn’t really thought about food because my stomach was a little upset after the flight, but now that she mentions it…“Sure. I could eat.”
“Let’s get your bags in and we’ll grab a bite, but first, I want to show you something real quick in the beauty shop.”
It’s strange walking through this portal to my adolescent sanctuary. My father died when I was five, and my mother never remarried. So it was just us girls all those years, snug in our little apartment above the salon—or beauty shop, as Mama’s always called it. But we were happy, Mama and I.
Stepping inside, I squint in the dim light of the vestibule, and breathe in the familiar scent of permanent solution, fried food and Tess’s perfume. It may not sound very appetizing, but it smells like my childhood.
Five paces straight ahead is the door to the beauty shop; to the left is the narrow staircase that leads up to the apartment. Exactly as always. I follow Mama upstairs safe in this bubble of sameness.
At the top of the steps, on the landing
