in the yellow tub, Barbara scrubs my shoulders with a sponge. She takes it on my face and on my eyes too, to clear the tears away, she manages to smile at me, her every move over me is a caress saying goodbye.
I canât understand whatâs in store for me yet, but Iâm sure itâs nothing good, I think that sad moment I never wanted to face has finally arrived.
I must leave what for me is my family, my whole world.
Itâs clear to me that, like the other small children, Iâve been here in their foster care for almost five years, and now the time has come to go to Bolzano or who knows where.
We leave home with a bag that Karl puts on the backseat, the bagâs not too big and this makes me hope Iâll be back soon, itâs a slight chance but I gladly cling on it. We say goodbye to mum among tears, when I get in the car, I canât look at our little house anymore.
I spend the entire trip to Bolzano harbouring the wish I can stay away only for the day and come back home with Karl in the evening.
During the trip, both I and Karl stay mostly silent, some sparse words every now and then, heâs not a chatterer but I know he too isnât in the mood to talk much.
When I manage to catch some breath, I ask him some explanations:
âWhere are we going in Bolzano? Are we going to grandmaâs
place?â
âWeâre going to Bolzano, youâll have to stay there now, your
fatherâs waiting for you.â
Iâm quietly thinking: my father? I thought you were my father, Karl, if Barbara is my mother, oh but sheâs not, is she?
We arrive in a small town near Bolzano, we go down a lateral lane, Karl parks his yellow Opel Kadett on the left of the lane.
He tells me to wait in the car, heâs going to ring the house bell which can be glimpsed among the branches of a tall fir.
I think to myself that it would be a good occasion to run away back home, but that wouldnât be fair to Karl, I could never do that.
I understand that this is the last time Iâll see him too if heâs going to drive away leaving me with strangers.
The nostalgia is smarting already, it feels like a lump in my throat, Iâd really like to run, I could open the car door and hide in the boot, so that Karl, unable to find me, would take me back home with him.
There he is, he leaves through the gate and gets back in the car:
âThereâs no-one home, a gardener has told me theyâre all in
the fields, letâs go check there.â
We go through the fields, thereâs plenty of trees full of yellow and red apples, so, so many, but I donât really care about them now.
We turn to the left, we slowly proceed on a road full of holes and mud, we stop the Opel Kadett. Karl takes my bag from the backseat, I donât want to get out, Iâm frightened.
Karl says hello to a man, grandmaâs smile appears behind him, she hugs me and strokes me.
âHi grandma, finally we see each other, you havenât come
around lately, did you have work to do?â
âYes darling, I couldnât come to see you, but I knew we
would meet here now.â
Thank God sheâs here, at least I have someone I can stay with, I donât know any of these people.
Karl comes closer and says goodbye, heâs a mountain man and he doesnât show many emotions, but even if heâs hiding it, I know heâs sorry he must leave me here and go back home alone.
Heâs so good, he wouldnât hurt a fly, heâs always so calm, it breaks my heart to see him start up the car and drive off.
I shy away the whole day, always keeping aside and close to grandma. Sitting on the ground, I watch her picking carrots, aubergines and tomatoes.
This distracts me a little bit and makes me feel less abandoned next to her, the man who has greeted us is grandmaâs son, heâs the owner of the beige Fiat 127. Now I remember, I recognize the car next to the cabin, this must mean mister Remo is my father.
I donât really believe it, I already have Karl, now Remo too, two fathers, I donât know⦠Everybodyâs busy here, picking apples, apricots, plums, grandmaâs picking many vegetables and thereâs Remoâs partner as well.
Sheâs Miriam, the beautiful woman with the nice hair who had come to see me with Remo for my third birthday, when they brought me a toy camera. The photos Barbara showed me, where Iâm picking flowers for her and for Miriam.
Evening comes, the sunâs been set for some time now, I feel a cool breeze on my legs, Iâm still in my shorts, and Iâm dirty with soil. How I wish I could take a bath in Barbaraâs tub, I already miss it so much. I think Iâll have to stay here for a while, if that man, Remo, really is my father, then thatâs exactly what this all means. Iâll never return to Barbara and my family again. Tonight, when everyoneâs asleep, Iâll convince grandma to take me somewhere else or Iâll run away alone, Iâm not sure yet.
We go back to my father and grandmaâs home with the beige Fiat 127, and I come to think about the day they came to take me for a quick trip. I knew something was off that day, I could feel it, and here I am again in the same car where I puked.
This time it looks nicer though, I donât know, itâs kind of endearing, itâs like me, what with that beige colour, the metal bumpers, the poor, black plastic cover torn here and there.
We arrive at the house, we enter in a large courtyard surrounded by rose beds, there is also a vineyard with a table and two benches under the arbour.
I want to cry and I feel like puking, but I canât, I practically havenât eaten anything, someoneâs holding me with my face in his shoulders. I cry so hard my head hurts, I hide in the shoulders of my carrier. Sometimes I take a peek with my wet eye at whoâs around us and where we are.
I see other curious children trying to cheer me up, some adults pass by to caress me.
We mount some light-coloured marble stairs, we stop on the first floor in front of a brown door, we have arrived, we enter in a small flat, quite cosy, but I really canât appreciate that now.
At least we eat something with grandma, then we quickly brush our teeth and we go to sleep, I stay with grandma in a double bed. This gives me a little relief, itâs the first time we sleep together, if I end up remaining here Iâd live in the same house as grandma, thatâs the only good aspect of this new situation for the moment.
I fall asleep almost immediately,
