evening – too busy in the company of wine and Facebook. It’s ridiculous really. Why aren’t I saying anything to him?
Because of what I did six years ago.
He had to get me out of the mess I’d got myself into. It wasn’t about him cheating, it was about me, chasing ghosts. It happened before, when I was at college, but Jack doesn’t know about that. It’s not like that now: this isn’t stalking, per se. Everyone looks at what their husbands and partners are up to online, don’t they?
Anyway, I have proof. I took a picture of the letter on my phone. Jack would be the first to say it: you can’t argue with evidence.
I look in on Sophie before I go to bed, as I do every night. She looks so angelic when she’s asleep; I imagine all children do. Debbie would have seen me sleeping as a baby. Did she think I was an angel, or an inconvenience? Before now, she was a ghost – I had idolised her, exalted her – thought she disappeared through no fault of her own. I believed it must have been something really awful for her to have left us. But if this email is from her, then I should accept that she chose to leave us.
If I found her after all this time, I’m not sure I’d even like her.
Monday, 7 July 1986
Debbie
When I worked, I hated Mondays. I’d spend the second half of Sunday under a cloud of dread, eating chocolate and watching videos from the corner shop. My colleagues weren’t bad people, but being estate agents turned them into arseholes. I’d had dreams of being a fashion designer – leaving home, going to art school and pondering Andy Warhol soup cans, floating about in chiffon and sandals. But I should’ve known I wasn’t good enough for that life. Dad said I was lucky to get a job at all. ‘Get any job you can,’ he said. ‘That’ll show Thatcher. She wants us to disappear into the woodwork like cockroaches.’
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