Chapter Twenty-Eight: Whaaaaaaaaarrggggghhh …!!
Chapter Thirty: Cute but sad and lost
Chapter Thirty-One: A horse, a piglet, two bigger pigs, three sheep, a cat and a dog
Chapter Thirty-Four: Lord King Louie’s precious pile of poop
Chapter Thirty-Five: Dominant male
Chapter Thirty-Eight: A day over 148
Chapter Forty: Is this how it ends?
Chapter Forty-Three: He’s Argentinian
Chapter Forty-Four: Begins with M
Chapter Forty-Five: Free cheese
Chapter Forty-Six: Very, very faintly
Chapter Forty-Seven: Seventy-two hours
Chapter Forty-Eight: Here we go
Chapter Forty-Nine: COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO
Chapter Fifty: Where’s the chinchilla?
Chapter Fifty-One: Not normal circumstances
“Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday dear … Maaaalllllcolm!”
Now, this is normally the moment at which the birthday child – whose name in this case (as you may have worked out) is Malcolm – would blow out the candles on their cake.
But the Baileys – that was his full name, Malcolm Bailey – had a family tradition, which was that they also sang ‘Happy Birthday’ when giving the children their birthday presents. So this song wasn’t being sung at a party, and it was not accompanied by a cake. It was just Malcolm’s mum and dad (Jackie and Stewart), his grandpa (Theo), his teenage sister (Libby) and his little brother (Bert), on the morning of his eleventh birthday, standing in a circle, in the living room, round a box, covered in wrapping paper (which actually did have printed candles on it).
Malcolm waited for the singing to finish. It was a bit of an annoying tradition, to be honest, because what he wanted to do was tear open that wrapping paper. Because he knew that inside the box was what he really, really wanted: a laptop computer.
He had given his parents the exact specification. An FZY Apache 321. Hi-Def screen. 4.0 GHz processor speed. Quad speakers with Nahimic virtual surround sound. The fastest and coolest and baddest laptop on the planet. He could almost see it in his hands, touch its LED display backlit keyboard.
“… Happy birthday
Toooo …
You!”
Smiling at his family, Malcolm reached over to pick up his present.
Finally, he thought.
“For … he’s a jolly good fellow!
For he’s a jolly good fellow!”
Malcolm leant back, away from the present, still smiling, but through gritted teeth. Do they normally do this bit? he thought.
“For he’s a jolly good fellow …
