a chinchilla,” he said. “A cuddly toy chinchilla.”
“No …” said Jackie. “I’d say it’s a … rabbit. Wouldn’t you, Dad?”
“Yes! Or maybe … a … a … big-eared hamster!”
“Right, yes. A big-eared hamster. Maybe we should call it … um …”
“Hammy Big-Ears!” said Stewart.
“LOLTT …”7 said Libby.
“Exactly!” said Jackie. “Hello, Hammy Big-Ears! Look at your cute … big … hamster ears!”
“Right,” said Malcolm. “So when you bought this cuddly toy, you weren’t sure what kind of animal it was meant to be? It had no label of any kind? It wasn’t in any particular section of the cuddly toy shop? Perhaps the CH section? Just after Cheetahs and Chimpanzees?”
“Can I eat it?” said Bert.
“I think that clinches it,” said Malcolm, tossing the toy to Bert. “It’s a chinchilla.”
And, with that, he lay back on his bed, with his arms crossed, looking up at the ceiling. “Mum, Dad,” whispered Libby. “You know why Malcolm’s like this, DC?”8 She lowered her voice to an even lower whisper, made lower still because of her bored voice, which was like someone speaking through a yawn. “It’s cos of the Monkey Moment. IKEA …”9
“No, it’s not,” said Malcolm. The whisper had clearly not been whispery enough.
Jackie and Stewart exchanged glances. “It probably is, isn’t it, Stewart?” Jackie whispered.
“Yes, darling, I think we all know it is …” Stewart whispered back. “I think because of the …”
“… Monkey Moment,” said Jackie.
“Yes, the Monkey Moment … Perhaps Malcolm still feels a bit traumatised around furry creatures …”
“The whispers aren’t working!” said Malcolm. “I can hear you! It’s a small room! And: it’s got nothing to do with the Monkey Moment! Stop saying the words ‘Monkey Moment’!”
“What ‘Monkey Moment’?” said Grandpa.
“Oh, Dad! We’ve told you a hundred times!” said Jackie.
“Tell me again,” said Grandpa. “You know how I forget things.”
Malcolm sighed, and looked out of the window at a pigeon flying away from a car bumper at the last second.
So the family told Grandpa again. Thoughtfully, they went back into the living room and left Malcolm in his bedroom, as they didn’t want him to have to relive the trauma of the Monkey Moment, even if he said he wasn’t traumatised by it.
“Well, Dad,” said Jackie, “when Malcolm was six, we went on one of our regular Sunday trips to the zoo. And he loved seeing the animals then, didn’t he, Stewart?”
“Yes,” said Stewart. “I remember him running up and down by all the cages, smiling his biggest smile.”
“So the animals he really wanted to see were the monkeys …”
“Fair dos,” said Grandpa. “They are the top animal in a zoo.”
Everyone nodded in agreement.
“And when we got there – to the monkey house …”
“Monkey house, yes,” said Grandpa.
“He was really excited!”
“CGI …” said Libby, nodding in agreement, but in a way that suggested that she could barely be bothered to nod.
“What does that one mean?” said Grandpa.
“Crazy Gagging for It …”
“Right you are.”
“And so he ran right up to the cage. The one with all the chimpanzees in it. And the chimpanzees were all rolling about and swinging from ropes and jumping through tyres and chasing each other along the tree trunks …”
“Sounds great!” said Grandpa.
“Can I eat them?” said Bert.
“And Malcolm loved it all. He was so happy. He loved it so much, in fact, that he started clapping.”
At this point, Jackie paused, and looked a bit troubled.
“Yes,” said Grandpa. “Then what happened? Don’t stop there: INTK!”10
“Well …” said Jackie, “when Malcolm clapped, all the chimpanzees stopped what they were doing. And then one of the biggest ones … the dominant male, I think …”
“Louie,” said Stewart, helpfully. “That was his name. I remember reading it on the little placard outside the cage. They’d got him from a zoo in Frankfurt.”
“Yes, all right, Louie … He …” For a moment, it looked like Jackie was going to cry. Stewart came over and put his arm round her; Libby yawned; Bert found a piece of fluff on the floor and put it in his mouth.
“You don’t have to continue if you don’t want to, darling,” said Stewart.
“No, it’s fine. I’ll be fine.” She took a deep breath. “Louie picked up some of his … poo. From the floor. And threw it in Malcolm’s face.”
Grandpa nodded, with a very serious expression.
Then he nodded some more, making his face even more serious.
Then … he started laughing.
“Grandpa!” said Stewart.
“Sorry, but …” He couldn’t carry on the sentence. He started gulping for breath in between the laughs.
“The monkey plop splattered on the bars of the cage,” said Jackie. “But that didn’t stop him getting it all over his face. It’s not funny! It was awful!”
Grandpa carried on laughing. Then Stewart started. Then Bert joined in, while also repeatedly pressing the monkey icon on AnimalSFX on Stewart’s phone to create the sound of a chattering monkey. Even Libby stopped looking bored and started smiling.
“Stop it! Why are you all laughing?!” said Jackie. “And then – and then – all the other chimps joined in!”
“AHHAHAHAHA!!”
