Honestly, your imagination.
Karl: Just put in ‘monkey/chimp/Ollie’ into the Internet and it’s all there …
‘She was sort of mental homeless’
Karl: I give to charity but I feel like I’m being cheated a bit.
Ricky: You were conned by a charity weren’t you?
Karl: I got stopped and they drag you in by saying, ‘Have you got a gran?’, and I said, ‘No they died and that.’ It’s, ‘Oh did they die of the cold?’ ‘No. Ill.’ ‘What did they have?’ ‘Just old age.’ They said, ‘Well, what happens with a lot of people’s grans is they die in the cold, right.’ So, I says ‘That’s bad innit.’ So she’s chatting and she’s showing me pictures of these old women, who look cold, saying ‘Look at her. That’s Edna. She’s got no family. She can’t pay the bills and all that.’
Ricky: Sure.
Karl: Anyway it goes on for about fifteen minutes and you feel bad. You give ’em your bank details, right, and what happens is, every couple of months you get a letter from Edna. Well it’s not from her, it’s typed up and what have you, but there’s a picture of Edna and it’s saying ‘Oh, this December Edna is going to be extra cold. It’s cold outside, she can’t afford to pay the heating’ and what have you. So you keep paying every month like £5 or whatever. I get another letter a few months later, right, Edna’s sat there – she’s got a tan!
Steve: What do you mean, ‘she’s got a tan’?
Karl: When they said she needs money because she’s cold I thought they meant for the heating – not to send her on holiday for a month. She’s sat there with a tan. I’m not joking.
Steve: Are you sure it wasn’t just a problem in the printing process?
Karl: No, no definitely.
Ricky: Are you sure it wasn’t liver failure?
Steve: This is a terrible thing to say, but when I see those people approaching now, with the clip-boards, I always get my mobile phone out and pretend I am having a conversation.
Karl: Yeah, I’ve done that one.
Steve: The number of fake conversations I’ve had walking past them now.
Karl: I’ll tell you what, we’ve talked about homeless people before and that, and I walked past one the other day. Don’t you think that if you had a company, it’s worth taking them on? Because they never have a lie in.
Ricky: Brilliant.
Karl: When does it become, like, bad to avoid homeless people? Because some people say you shouldn’t, that they’re people like us who have just had a bit of bad luck.
Ricky: Well of course they are.
Karl: Yeah, I know but I remember one on our estate and she was a bit – what’s the word that you can use, because I don’t want to offend anyone? She was sort of mental homeless. Is that a term?
Ricky: That is the official term.
Karl: Well she lived on the estate and what have you …
Ricky: How was she homeless if she lived on the estate?
Karl: Well, she sort of decided to stay round there, because I think people on the estate spoke to her more than people who had money.
Ricky: Really?
Karl: So anyway. This mental homeless woman on the estate, what she used to do, right, she acted quite normal and she used to always push a pram around with her, right. And she was dead happy; every day she was walking up and down the road. Anyway one day she walked past me, right, and I turned round and looked in the pram – and there’s a bucket with a face on it!
‘I could eat a knob at night.’
Ricky: Jilly Goolden – now she …
Steve: What’s she been up to?
Ricky: Well you saw her in I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here?
Steve: I haven’t been watching it.
Ricky: She popped a little kangaroo knob in her mouth, chewed it up.
Steve: What, it was just lying around?
Ricky: No, it was just one of the things she had to eat. Carol Thatcher, the daughter of one of our leaders, she popped a couple of bollocks in her mouth, chewed them up, swallowed them – and Jilly Goolden had to eat a dried kangaroo penis. It was so tough she couldn’t even get through it.
Steve: What, it was like a Peperami?
Ricky: Yes. What do you think of that Karl?
Karl: What, eating that sort of stuff?
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: I mean I watch it, I like those little trial bits, right, but what I don’t think people realise is, right, it is hard eating a little kangaroo knob.
Steve: Really, how do you know?
Karl: No, it’s just, you think about it and you go, ‘Oh I couldn’t do that,’ but what they never mention on the TV programme – which I think takes it to the next level, right – is that they’re eating that stuff at, like, half past seven in the morning – which is worse, innit? If I was there and Ant and Dec said, ‘Right Karl, eat the knob’ I’d go, ‘Hang on a minute. Give us a few hours. Let me get some rice and that in me belly and just sort of fill myself up a little bit more. I’ll pop back at about half six this evening – have it ready.’ And I’d be happier then.
Steve: You don’t want to eat animals’ private parts on an empty stomach?
Ricky: So what are you saying?
Karl: I’m saying I could eat a knob at night.
Ricky: Just cut that there. We’ll loop that. If any DJs are listening, just take that quote ‘I could eat a knob at night’ by Karl Pilkington and maybe do a dance remix.
Steve: Yes, maybe you are a house music producer and you could maybe get some high energy beat going and then we could send that out to some of the gay clubs.
