for your information, it’s true.’
There was a huge gasp, and her words came out louder than Emily intended. ‘For all you nasty-minded gossip mongers out there, yes, Adam and I had an affair last year. For your information he was about to leave Livvy. And then she died. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.’
At that moment there was a lull in the chatter at the bar, and Emily’s words carried across the cavernous silence which suddenly fell in the room.
She looked across to Adam, who was standing holding his pint, horrified. Dear God, what on earth had she done?
Adam
The blood drains from my face as I hear Emily’s declaration. Phil and Dave look shocked. They knew little bits of my life, and that things weren’t always happy with Livvy, but they didn’t know about Emily. I hadn’t told anyone. Years of treading a fine line at home had left me unable to communicate with even good mates about what was really going on. Besides, how do you admit to anyone your marriage isn’t working any more? That you dread going home for fear of what you will find? That you are watching your wife drinking herself into an early grave and are powerless to stop it? That you’re sleeping in separate beds and barely talking? I had kept my problems to myself for so long, it was difficult to know where to begin. Besides, there was always the hope that things would get better, and we could go back to the way it was. And then I met Emily, and she blew me away. Suddenly I had found someone who made me happy again, someone I could laugh with, someone who wasn’t permanently angry with me. I didn’t know how to tell anyone all that, so I had told nobody. But now everyone I work with is staring at me and they all know I cheated on my wife. My now dead wife.
After a few stunned moments, someone behind the bar puts the jukebox on, and everyone goes back to chatting as if nothing has happened. I guess, as this is a Christmas party, there are already other more scandalous things happening in the corners of the room.
‘You kept that quiet,’ Phil says accusingly.
‘Sorry,’ I say, ‘it wasn’t an easy thing to confess. Things at home weren’t exactly brilliant.’
‘Blimey,’ says Phil. ‘I really hadn’t had you figured for the playing-away-from-home type, that’s more Dave’s style.’
Dave grinned ruefully; as the survivor of two failed marriages and innumerable affairs himself, he struggles to deal with commitment.
‘I’m not,’ I say, ‘really I’m not. It’s just – things were difficult, really difficult, and Emily just came along …’
‘You don’t have to explain to us,’ says Dave, patting me on the back. ‘Good for you, mate. Emily’s great. Don’t listen to the gossips. What do they know?’
‘Thanks,’ I say, ‘I appreciate it.’
I can see Emily is standing looking slightly dazed by what has happened. I have to get her out of here.
‘Time to go I think,’ I say firmly, grabbing her by the arm, and steering her towards the cloakroom. Emily is staggering all over the place. Shit, what’s got into her? She never normally drinks this much. She knows I hate it.
‘Adam, I’m so sorry,’ she says. She looks a little shocked, as if she’s not quite sure what happened.
Neither am I, but if I wanted to stay here any longer, I’ve changed my mind. It was a bad idea to come. A bad idea to bring Emily. For whatever reason, Livvy had a strong support team in my office, and still has. None of them know what she was really like. They just saw the happy family, admired how together we were despite the problems with Joe, and were shocked and stunned by what had happened to her. Everyone was great after Livvy died, but I know they all think Emily’s on the scene suspiciously soon. I wish they’d leave their suspicions and nastiness to themselves.
And now I’m cross with Emily for coming. For getting drunk. For ruining the evening. It’s unfair of me I know, but for the first time I feel a prickle of anger that Emily isn’t Livvy. Despite everything that went wrong between us, what happened to Livvy wasn’t fair. I didn’t want to be married to her any more, but neither did I want this. Since she died I’ve been in limbo: missing her, grieving for her, trying to be strong for Joe, treading water with Emily, feeling guilty that she makes me so happy, not sure I deserve this second chance. It’s not Emily’s fault, or anyone else’s. It just is.
The fresh air seems to sober Emily up a little. Immediately she’s remorseful in the way that drunks always are, and for a moment I’m so reminded of Livvy I feel sick. She says, ‘I’m sorry, Adam. I drank far too much. I hope I haven’t made a fool of you at work. I was just so nervous, and then I spilled my drink and I heard Marigold gossiping about me and …’ She looks at me with genuine regret, and I realize, of course, she’s not Livvy. This is the first time I’ve ever seen Emily get drunk. She likes to enjoy herself, certainly, and one of the great things about her is we can have a good time without alcohol being involved – when I think of Livvy, even in our early days our nights out always included drink. I probably shouldn’t have taken Emily to the party. It was too soon. That’s the problem: everything’s too damned soon.
I take her into my arms and hold her tight.
‘Nah, it’s all right,’ I say. ‘Everyone at work’s been really great to me this year, but to be honest, I’m fed up of people talking about me behind my back. You’re the one good thing to happen to me in the last few years. I don’t care what anyone else thinks. At least the truth’s out in the open now. Come on, let’s get dinner.’
‘I promise to drink water,’ says Emily, and we wander down the high street looking for somewhere to eat. As we approach an Italian we like, which doesn’t look too busy, I see a black cat walk across our path.
‘Ooh, hope that’s lucky,’ says Emily, squeezing me close.
‘Yeah, me too,’ I say vaguely.
‘Are you sure you’re not angry with me?’ Emily is so contrite, I can’t possibly be cross any more. I just look at her and know that whatever happened in the past I want her in my future.
‘I’m really not,’ I say and give her a hug. Christmas is coming. Life is very different, but I’ve got Emily beside me, and at the moment, I feel as if I can take over the world.
Livvy
I am in shock. My memories of the day I died have become mired in fog thanks to all that time spent in the car park. I knew I was texting Adam angrily about something, but – maybe I didn’t want to remember? – the exact words of my text had been banished to the back of my mind. Now I realize I must have known from the minute Emily was in the house that she was the Other Woman, but I didn’t want to admit that Adam could possibly have carried it on after I’d gone. I felt his anguish when I died. I know he still has feelings for me. I just know it. It makes me more determined than ever to win him back. Malachi’s right: we have unfinished business. I need to show Adam what he’s missing. I lost him to Emily once; I’m not going to let it happen again. Especially where my son is involved.
I
