‘Oh Adam.’ Emily was awash with conflicting emotions. ‘I’d love to, you must know that. But …’
‘You’re worried it’s too soon?’
‘A little,’ said Emily. ‘And then there’s Joe – I want to do the right thing by him.’
‘I know,’ said Adam. ‘It won’t be easy. But we love each other; I think we can make it work.’
Emily gulped. She’d fought hard for her independence after Graham left, and always sworn she’d take her time settling down with someone else. But Adam wasn’t Graham and, as he had said, life was short.
‘You think?’
‘I know,’ said Adam firmly. The windows rattled again, making them both start. It was clearly getting very windy out there. ‘I thought I’d had my shot at happiness. But then you came into my life. And we could waste our time worrying about what’s happened or grab the moment and be happy. That’s all I want now.’
‘Me too,’ Emily said, feeling a little tearful. It wasn’t quite a proposal, but then Emily hadn’t expected one so soon. She squeezed Adam’s hand. ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘Yes, I’d love to.’
Outside in the street the wind blew rubbish down the road, and people braced themselves against the wind. But Emily sat in a warm bubble of happiness. Whatever happened next, she had Adam at her side, and that was all that counted.
My mum is dead.
I saw her in the hospital.
I went to her funeral.
That is very bad.
Sometimes my eyes feel wet and I don’t know why.
But then I look through my telescope at Venus and I feel better. I know Mum is watching me.
Emily is going to be my new mum.
I like Emily.
If she had a star, I think she would be a star in Libra. She is a very balanced person.
It is good she wants to be my mum.
But … I made a Christmas wish. I asked for my mum to come back. And I think it might have come true.
You can only have one mum.
I don’t need two mums.
That wouldn’t be right.
Livvy
Nooo!!! I howl at the restaurant window and the cold sleet seems to come down harder. I am so frustrated. How will I ever get Adam to notice me again when he’s so loved up with Emily? Emily is going to get my life. Raging, I blow through the streets, nudging the Christmas revellers, making more than one of them mutter about someone walking over their grave. How could this be happening, how? Why has Adam forgotten me?
‘You know how.’ Malachi appears as I finally settle down on a park bench where I watch the sleet coming down in sheets, and the ducks shivering in the bushes.
‘No, I really don’t,’ I say.
‘You’ve got to stop with the blame game,’ he says.
‘Why?’ I say bolshily. ‘What’s it to you?’
‘I am trying to explain to you,’ says Malachi patiently. ‘You have unfinished business with Adam and Joe. You need to set things right. And you can start by taking responsibility for what you’ve done.’
What have I done that’s so bad? I’ve done nothing wrong, or not that I can recall. Malachi is winding me up.
With a start I find myself back in my house again. But it’s around fourteen years ago, I think. It’s Christmas Day. We’ve had a lovely cosy Christmas Eve sorting three-year-old Joe’s stocking, giggling in hushed whispers while we creep into his room and hang it by his bed and then curling up together with a bottle of wine in front of the fire. It feels perfect, like we’re a proper family at last. Gradually the shock of Joe’s diagnosis has faded and now we’re in coping mode. I’ve decided not to go back to work. Joe needs me too much. And fighting for him takes up all my time. It was a wrench leaving my job as a copywriter for a big advertising firm. I’d worked hard to get where I had, and to be honest I hated being at home at first, but what else could I do?
The upside though, is that Joe is much calmer now I’m around. He’s still not great about being touched or hugging me, but at least he longer screams when I hold him. And now he’s getting older, I can reason with him more. Things are coming together in a much better way, and I’m thrilled that he was chosen to be a wise man in the nursery nativity. I had a lump in my throat when he lisped ‘Frankincense,’ when asked what he was giving the baby Jesus. Although it’s hard, there are moments like this of pure unadulterated joy, which I treasure.
Adam has taken a job closer to home, which means he’s around a lot more. It’s less money, but we’re both grateful that he is so close. Joe and I frequently pop into the office to see him and Adam’s colleagues are brilliantly supportive. I feel like Adam and I are a team now. He insists I have a break at the weekend and has started taking Joe to swimming lessons on a Saturday, giving me some precious time to myself. I am lucky to have such a wonderful husband. So many of the women I meet in the Asperger’s support group I go to occasionally have been left to struggle on alone. I know Adam would never do that to me. He adores Joe, and I couldn’t have asked for a better dad for my son. We’re dealing with this, and it will be OK. Finally, after three tough years, I think we’ve turned a corner – so much so, that when Adam brings up the perennial topic of a brother or sister for Joe – something I’ve been resisting because it scares me – I don’t give him an outright no.
Today, Adam’s parents, Mary and Anthony, and my mum and dad are coming for Christmas lunch. It’s the first time we’ve hosted. We moved into this house when we first got married. It was all we could afford at the time, and desperately run down, but we didn’t care, because we were just so happy to be together planning our future. I fell pregnant with Joe quite soon after we moved in, and although it was an anxious time, it was also thrilling the first moment we heard Joe’s heartbeat, and I started to feel I might get all the way through this pregnancy.
The house was still in chaos when we brought Joe home, and Adam worked really hard to make it habitable for us. It still needs loads of work; the back door always rattles, and we could do with a new kitchen, but I absolutely love it. Prices round here are so expensive, we can only afford a smallish three-bedroom cottage, but it’s a step up from the flat we lived in before. I feel we’ve finally
