course, we couldn’t throw Abu Qatada out of the country just because he was ‘very dangerous’, otherwise there’d have been nobody left in the Cabinet. The Tories demanded that ministers ignore the courts and throw him out. I’m guessing the Tories might not be quite so keen on ignoring the courts when tens of thousands of disabled people refuse to pay their bedroom-tax fines. He was called bin Laden’s right-hand man – and that was enough evidence to lock him up? If we called him the new Shirley Bassey could he get a plum variety slot on ITV?
A Welsh double-glazing salesman called Ahmed Abdulla has been stopped from flying to the US because his name is similar to the name of an al-Qaeda leader. The strange thing is that for the last ten years al-Qaeda leader Abdullah Ahmed Abdullah has been travelling about under the name Dai Llewellyn. His attempts to organise atrocities keep being interrupted every five minutes by a housewife in Swansea who wants new windows fitted.
Islamic extremist Emdadur Choudhury was fined £50 for burning poppies at the last Armistice Day parade. I say, if he wants to live here he should protest about the occupation of Afghanistan the British way. Just shrug his shoulders and reach for the remote when it comes on the news. Burning poppies is a pretty piss-poor way of showing disrespect to our soldiers. It’s not a patch on failing to give them proper body armour. Lots of people desecrate the two minutes silence. At least Choudhury had an opinion about war; surely it’s more offensive when people just continue browsing through the Disney Store? How dare he publicly protest against the occupation of Afghanistan? Especially after all our efforts to bring it free speech. I’m told he’d planned a more lavish protest to bring the infidel British puppet government to its knees. But he couldn’t buy the fireworks as his benefit cheque didn’t arrive in time.
Abu Hamza was extradited to the US despite claiming he was too ill to face trial – well, to be fair, he does have one hand in the grave. My son was shocked. You see, I called his pet hamster Abu! Believe me, that’s where the resemblance ends – his prosthetic, paper-clip paw’s actually shaped into a trident . . . don’t ask, but it’s not cruel as all the animals involved get given badges to use as shields. I wondered why Hamza was so terrified of what the Americans will do to him; then I realised, he lived in Afghanistan for a bit. Actually, you’d think he’d have found a more realistic prosthetic in Afghanistan. We’ve been bombing them so long human hands must be left on garden walls like lost children’s gloves.
Abu Hamza is a disabled man who commands great respect from his followers; if he conformed to our culture he’d be in a Channel 4 documentary about how no one wants to shag him.
He’s been transferred to a US jail known as the ‘Colorado Supermax’. Which is also the name of a feminine hygiene product for cowgirls. The European Court of Human Rights said it was satisfied Hamza would be well treated in America. Which in essence means that before flicking the switch on his electric chair the executioner will tell him to have a nice day.
Three guys in Birmingham were jailed for a suicide bomb plot. If I lived in Birmingham I’d be working on a suicide bomb plot. I’m not sure we should have been too worried about the destruction they could have reaped, given that they couldn’t even manage to successfully burn the piece of paper with their plans on. With the plan of blowing up Birmingham they must be the only suicide bombers who’ve received financial backing from English Heritage. What could make someone who’s raised in this country hate this country so much? Apart from being raised in this country.
This year we also had the Woolwich attack on Drummer Lee Rigby, and terror levels suddenly rose from ‘not bothered’ to ‘holy fuck’. David Cameron returned from Paris immediately he heard that the black guy the police shot had actually done something to deserve it. Cameron activated COBRA, where the government show terrorists they’re not scared by gathering behind steel doors in a bomb proof room. An emergency meeting was held with Cameron, Boris, Pickles, Warsi and May – I wouldn’t even trust this lot to make jelly and ice cream without starting a chemical fire.
The killer welcomed a Brownie guide leader, Ingrid Loyau-Kennett, when she approached him – he must’ve thought he’d completed his Death to the West badge. She wanted to keep him talking to prevent any further violence. That’s unusual, as our scout leader always wanted to stop us talking. Usually with threats that nobody would believe us. Can you imagine being in her Brownie group now? Every time she asks what you want to do, you nervously gaze round to see if she’s distracting you from a police marksman. Lee Rigby was wearing a sweater that showed a picture of a soldier being stretchered away with his thumbs up. There’s a poster for the myth and reality of the job. You can tell his murderers were psychos; they left the body on a double red line. The killers’ travel history is being analysed to find out how they got radicalised – I’m not sure whether that includes ‘going to the newsagent’. People got off the bus near the attack to see what murderers looked like, as that bus hadn’t run a night service for a while.
Nigel Farage said it was terrible this happened on the ‘peaceful streets of South London’. Is he taking the piss? The police had to push their way past two stabbings and a shooting just to make the arrest.
It’s interesting when people discuss whether a crime was motivated by religion or mental illness, as if those were two different things. Police found the training manual they used for the attack. George Michael’s autobiography. The video of the jihadist ranting is going to be one of the toughest ever for Alex Zane to link to on the next series of Rude Tube. If it’s an eye for an eye, who replaces the finger you blew off your own hand, you idiot? The killer said ‘in our land’ women see beheadings daily. In Lincolnshire? Are they still executing the left-handed? Still, thank God we held on to that Olympic feelgood factor.
The EDL, who named themselves after the way they text spell the word England, staged a drunken protest. I noticed the EDL rioters seemed to be covering their faces up. That’s a bit Muslim of them. I think the EDL wanted to make a point about Muslims not respecting British law, and what better way to do that than to fight the police? Attacking a mosque in revenge for this murder makes as much sense as attacking JD Sports in revenge for Jimmy Savile. Muslim communities have to denounce these killings because they’re so rare. If rich white guys had to denounce every death in their name they’d never get anything done.
We’ve got to the stage where ‘asylum seeker’ is an insult, whilst the government debates the vagaries of the term ‘rape porn’. ‘Asylum seeker’ means you will be killed if you go home. And not in the ‘I’ve had an extra pint after work’ sense, though in some countries it will be because they had the pint, or went to work. ‘Asylum seeker’ is an insult and ‘WAG’ is a compliment. We have more sympathy for a woman whose husband might miss a header than for a woman whose husband might be missing his head.
• • •
More defence cuts have been announced. The Ministry of Defence insists operational capability will not be affected as the armed forces are already highly ineffective. If we’re not careful we’ll soon only have a military big enough to reflect our true status in today’s world. We could slash Trident replacement costs by doing what Saddam did with his tanks and buying dummy stuff. I can’t see any reason why inflatable submarines wouldn’t work. BAE Systems is axing three thousand jobs. Oh dear, if only we hadn’t toppled governments of its major clients. Sell the bomber jets to easyJet – at least it’s a more honest way for our stag nights to enter Prague.
Cameron is insisting on the same number of new submarines to replace Trident, but Clegg wants fewer. I’d go with the Lib Dems. Look at our military requirements for the next fifty years – it just has to be easier hauling two subs across a desert rather than four.
And on top of cuts, stolen military kit worth millions is being sold on eBay. I’ve bought night-vision goggles, part of my plan to gain the psychological advantage on Mastermind by choosing ‘The various sleeping positions of John Humphries’ as my specialist subject.
