under a lot of pressure. It comes screaming out of us.’
‘She used to get mad at me.’
‘Everyone gets angry sometimes.’
‘Not just angry. Once she said I’d ruined her life. That she hated me.’
There were tears glinting in her eyes as she spoke.
Catriona was astonished. She’d always regarded Flora as the perfect mother, the mother she could never have been: endlessly patient, calm, unfazed by mess or stinks, practical and, more than anything, loving.
‘I’m sure she never meant it Charly. Everyone says things they don’t mean from time to time.’
‘She meant it. I could see it in her eyes. I thought she was going to hurt me. I could see that she thought she was going to hurt me. Then she sort of pulled back.’
‘Why was she so angry, Charly?’
‘It was about the uniform.’
‘What uniform?’
‘Her uniform. From when she was with British Airways. It was about a year ago. We’d been doing some stuff at school about careers. I mentioned that my mum had been an air stewardess and that made the boys start sniggering and going Phwoarr! Though I could see that they were actually a bit impressed. She was out when I got home, so I went into her bedroom and took the uniform out of her wardrobe. Just to look at it. I’d seen it hanging there in a plastic cover. I couldn’t resist putting it on – first the skirt, then the blouse, jacket and hat. They fitted me quite well, because I’m tall for my age. I was prancing about in front of the mirror, feeling quite glam, and thinking of all the exotic places Mum had been to, when she came in. I hadn’t heard the front door, so I was quite surprised. I wasn’t expecting she’d mind, because I used to try on her things all the time. But when she saw me in the uniform she went absolutely ballistic. She practically tore it off me. Like I said, I really thought she was going to hit me. More than that. I thought she was going to murder me.’
The recollection of the incident had made the child go quite pale.
‘That was when she said I’d ruined her life, that she hated me. I could see that she meant it.’
‘Perhaps at the time she did. Having children is a huge event in people’s lives. It changes everything. Perhaps Flora had ambitions that none of us knew anything about. Ambitions for a career in the airline. It wouldn’t have been easy to combine that with being married with a family. When she saw you wearing the uniform, it brought it back to her.’
‘Like I was a sort of symbol of what she had lost?’
‘Yes.’
She nodded slowly. ‘Yeah, I think I can understand it a bit more. So you think she loves me as well?’
‘I’m sure she does.’
‘Have you got the life you want, Cat?’
The question took her unawares. Suddenly it was as if their roles were reversed. The tall, slim, willowy girl-woman was staring at her with her penetrating blue eyes, displaying a calm wisdom beyond her years.
‘I’m not sure anyone gets exactly what they want or expect. But I think I have as much as most people. A job I like. My own house.’ She smiled in an attempt to lighten the atmosphere. ‘A wonderful sister and a beautiful, charming, intelligent niece, both of whom I love dearly.’
‘You’re not married, though. And you don’t have children of your own.’
‘I’m only thirty-eight! Not due for the scrap-heap yet.’
‘But you’ve decided not to get married, haven’t you? If you were really wanting to have kids, you’d be working on it now. We did stuff about eggs and that in human biology. But you’ve not even got a boyfriend, have you?’
Catriona started to feel uneasy again. ‘I think I’ve said, Charlotte, that I don’t want to be quizzed on my personal relationships.’
‘Yeah, right, sorry. But I’m not asking in a crude way now. I’m just asking why you don’t want children of your own?’
‘For a start, I’m not in a position to! As you’ve pointed out, I don’t have a man, never mind a husband. Secondly, I don’t think I’d make a very good mother.’
‘I think you would.’
‘It’s generous of you to say that, but I don’t think so. I’m much too selfish. I have my work, and my house. I don’t need anything else.’
‘Your house is amazing. It’s like you’ve thought about every bit of it. The right picture here, the piece of sculpture there. I used to think Mum was house-proud, but with her it was a matter of keeping everything clean and tidy. You’ve put so much of yourself into your house, haven’t you? Maybe that’s why there isn’t much left over.’
‘So what did you like best?’
‘The sloth bears, definitely. They were so cute with their big claws and friendly faces. I would love to have brought one home.’
‘It would fit well in your room, wouldn’t it? And we could let it out in the garden for a run.’
‘And we could feed it on vegetable scraps. We could throw them out from a bucket at meal-times, just as they did today!’
The child’s eyes were bright as she involved herself in the fantasy. The sulky, withdrawn, early teenager had for the moment disappeared, and someone far more unaffected and likeable had taken her place. The zoo, suggested enthusiastically by Charlotte, had been a great success. Catriona, who didn’t care for animals, but was nevertheless uncomfortable with the morality of keeping them in captivity, had been uneasy about the visit. To her surprise, she had relaxed enough to enjoy herself, laughing like a child at the antics of the monkeys, who certainly did not behave as if they were incurably depressed. Only the elephants, trudging around their bare concrete pen, seemed melancholy and out of place. Had they, though, ever seen the savannah of Africa? And if not, did their genes still cry freedom as they stared out over the safety ditch that separated them from their grinning, yelling, waving human admirers?
They walked back over Regent’s Park. The Spring sunlight cast long shadows over the grass. In the rose garden, the unopened flower buds on the bare bushes were yellowed, shrivelled and battered by the recent rain, like Brussels sprouts at the end of winter.
They were enjoying what seemed like a companionable silence when Charlotte said, ‘When Mum comes back, you won’t tell her about this afternoon, will you?’
‘Why ever not?’
‘She wouldn’t approve of our going to the zoo. She hates zoos. She says they’re degrading both to animals and people. There was a dreadful stink when I was in the Infants’. The school trip was to the Cotswold Wild-Life Park. Mum wouldn’t let me go and I cried all night, because my friends were going to laugh at me. I thought you might have known, but when I suggested it and you said OK, you obviously didn’t. But perhaps I ought to have said something. Only I did so want to see London Zoo.’
Catriona paused before replying. She hadn’t known about Flora’s aversion, though
