the doorway until it opened again. Knew one of them, Bristol John, and asked him if he’d seen Laura or any of the others and he thought about telling him what had happened to Robert. But it was too late in the day to get any sense so he turned and kept going, past the council offices, the housing office, the shops on Exchange Street and the tiny almost hidden doorway of the Abbey Day Centre. Didn’t look like no one was there except Maureen and Dave and that bloke who’s always in the corner and never says a word except Cheers when they give him a cup of tea. Maureen looked pleased to see him. She always looked pleased to see anyone. Looked like someone’s auntie or granny with her cardigans and her white hair and her glasses on a chain around her neck but she never took grief from no one. I’ll have none of that from you she said, if anyone tried anything on, and that was usually enough to do the trick. Made Danny a cup of tea without asking, and started on talking about Christmas and New Year and where had everyone got to, her words coming out in one mouthful the way they always did like she was scared that stopping for breath would give someone the chance to turn away. Which they often did. She was all right but she had a lot to say. Danny didn’t sit down. He couldn’t. He looked in the games room, the laundry room, the toilets, the computer room, and he paced back through the lounge each time to make sure, like maybe this was all some game, some trick they were playing, and they were going to jump out and go ta-dah and all that. But there weren’t no one there and no one jumped out and no one said nothing. Maureen said There’s been no one in all day, love, there’s been no one here since Christmas Day. She said We had a bit of trouble here on Christmas Day mind you, we had a couple of girls overdosing in the toilets, the ambulance men came and sorted them out but still it doesn’t look good does it? They should have known we don’t have any of that sort of thing here. It gave us all quite a fright, really. So perhaps everyone’s just keeping out of the way after that, do you think, Dave? We had the police in asking questions and everything, I mean. Or maybe they’ve all just gone off to that new winter shelter, maybe they’ll be back when that packs in. Maybe the tea’s better there, she said, looking down at the tea she’d put on the table for Danny, wondering why he hadn’t drunk it yet. Danny taking off his glasses to fiddle with the tape on the broken arm, smearing them clean again and Maureen going Have you not had those seen to yet, love? You want to get them fixed up, they’re half falling off your face. Bloke in the corner just watching them both, his eyes half closed, his head wobbling like it was balanced on a plate and being carried aloft through a crowded room and Dave in the kitchen calling out Now then, Mo, no one does better tea than you. But no one there. Not Mike. Not Laura. Not Heather or Ben or Steve or Ant or any of that crowd. Just Maureen waiting for him to drink his cup of tea, and fetching a bowl of biscuits to take out for Einstein without waiting to be asked. Saying if I didn’t know better I’d be worried, only it’s like this sometimes, some days you can’t move for folk and other days you’re sitting around wondering what to do with
And if he found Laura what was he going to say. It’s about your dad. You’d better sit down. The thing is. And what was he thinking, like she’d be grateful or something, like she’d be pleased he was the one to have told her. Like that was going to make things easier. When she was all mixed up about him anyway, from not seeing or knowing him all those years, from her mum giving her all horror stories that she never knew were true or not. What’s it called. Conflicted. Said she hadn’t been able to remember what he looked like until she found some photos her mum had kept hidden, and then when she met him he looked all wrong. Told him about living with her nan, and then later just with her mum, and not knowing what to say when kids at school asked about her dad. But, fucksake. She can’t have been the only one whose dad weren’t around. He told her that, Danny did. One time when they were waiting together for a kid to show up with the gear. She said she’d always kept wondering about him and all that, hoping for a birthday card, thinking one year maybe he’d turn up on Christmas Day for a surprise. Her mum told her she wouldn’t let him in the house if he did. But, fucksake. The way she went on about it. One out of two aint bad. Should try living in a children’s home and see how fucking conflicted you end up then, he told
Off again past the back of the council offices, Einstein not wanting to leave the food behind but limping along beside him all the same. Past the alleyway down to the back of the shopping centre and through the multi-storey carpark and there still weren’t no one there. Could have told Maureen. She would have told the police for him. Out on to the Royal Square. Could have asked to use the phone and done it himself. They’d have to be told. What the fuck was he thinking. Couldn’t just leave Robert lying on the floor. Couldn’t just wait while someone else climbed in through the window or broke the door down and found him lying there like that. Tripped on the kerb by the taxi rank and fell on his knees, but so what if anyone saw. Einstein nudging at his ear to see if he was all right. Barking at him to get up. Had to tell someone else first, before he told the police, had to find out if anyone else knew, had to get things straight, things were all too fucking fucked up. Getting up again and stumbling past the office block with the indoor waterfall and that security guard who comes out from behind his desk as soon as anyone catches his eye. And if he found Laura what did he think was going to happen. She was going to cry on his shoulder or something. And then what. Kept walking because what else can you do. The underpass at the end of Station Street. Found some more fag-ends there. The steps. The canal towpath. Probably she wouldn’t even let him speak to her after last time after what happened the
Mike would know what to do. Danny thought. Mike might know who those two girls were who’d gone over at the Abbey. Wouldn’t be Laura though else Maureen would have said. Mike would know. Hard work hanging out with Mike sometimes but at least he generally knew what to do, in a situation, in a situation like this. Except they’d never been in a situation like this. Fuck. Thing to do now before anything else was find Mike, up at the Parkside squats where they’d been sleeping lately and find him there he must be there. But Laura. But needing to score. But Mike might have some would he fuck would he
If he hadn’t gone to his brother’s. If he hadn’t said all that to Laura. If he’d stuck with Mike. Then none of this would have
Bunch of people outside the Catholic church but it weren’t going to open for another hour or something and he had to get sorted first. They did a good lunch, but food weren’t important now. Wouldn’t keep it down anyway the state he was in. Looked to see if there was anyone he knew. Maggie, and Jamesie, and that girl Charmaine with the baby, standing there pushing him backwards and forwards in the buggy to get him back to sleep. Fucksake, when she first turned up on the scene. Weren’t long before she got a place in this mother and baby hostel but before that, Jesus. She’d told Laura about it. Left home because her mum was giving her a hard time about the baby, not giving her no help except a mouthful of You’re doing it all wrong and then her mum’s bloke said If you don’t shut that fucking kid up I’ll fucking shut it up for you. Which like she knew what he was capable of with her mum. She told them all this down the Housing, but all they heard her say was I left home, which meant they could give it all I’m sorry, love, you’ve made yourself intentionally homeless there’s very little we can do. Told Laura she spent three days and nights after that just walking around town. Specially at night, she said. Didn’t want to sleep nowhere, in case someone took little Ryan, you get me? What would I have done then? Just kept walking and walking until something worked out, getting all blisters and sores, tucking little Ryan into his buggy under blankets and coats and hushing him to sleep and wiping his tears away. Nicking jars of babyfood for him until she got arrested and someone got on her case and got this place in the hostel sorted out. I lost it a bit them nights though, she told Laura, I don’t know what I was up to really, I weren’t thinking straight or nothing. But you go different when you’ve got a kid though, know what I mean? Get like you’d do fucking anything for it. Three days and nights she just kept walking, singing like lullabies to little Ryan and walking all night and nobody noticed a thing. Even outside the Catholic church now she was standing a way apart from the others, pushing the buggy backwards and forwards and looking around in all directions, like standing guard or getting ready to
Climbed across the lockgates under the flyover, the black timbers glassed with ice, the
