my awkwardness. Amusement caught up in my throat, mixing with the feelings of despair that had started surrounding me again. It came out as a choked laugh and my lips twisted in a bitter smile. But it was a smile. I wanted to hug him.
I knew he didn’t expect an answer. He was purely joking. To make me laugh.
My arms dropped to hang at my sides. What would I have done without Billy when Jason went to New York? I had missed Billy loads for weeks. I felt a lot better now he’d come back to me.
I poked my tongue out at him, wondering what the hell he’d say, or do, if I answered, yes.
That made me smile properly, a full-on smile like I hadn’t done for months.
Shit, I’d had my first-ever orgasm this morning, barely hours ago. My hand clutching his cell and I’d thought of him, ‘cause I could hardly think of Jason. That would have felt wrong on every level. I’d thought of Billy’s muscular hips and thighs moving between my parted legs––of his weight pressing down onto me and into me, and the pressure of his movement inside me…
That would freak him out.
When I’d finished, I’d lain there breathing heavily and absorbing all the weird sensations humming and playing through my nerves––then Billy’s cell rang out Clarity by Foxes and Jason’s image had appeared on it.
I’d dropped the cell. It had felt like cheating on Jason, as all the feelings I’d had for him flooded to the surface, like it was only yesterday he’d finished with me.
My heart, and my head, still believed I was his.
But I wasn’t.
They had to learn.
But Billy had said I could mourn this week, so I’d cried, letting the tears fall again before I went down to the gym. I’d only gone down there because I hadn’t wanted to be alone anymore.
But, I’d had an orgasm… My first ever!
“Come on, you’re so slow.” He caught hold of my hand and pulled me into a run.
“Billy!” He didn’t cease pulling as I stumbled along in a run beside him.
I’d tried to run with Jason once, but he could run real fast. I couldn’t keep up with him; I hadn’t even tried after that one time, I’d have just held him back.
But it was like he used to run to get away from me anyway. It was something he did alone. Spirit and soul, leaving me behind.
When everything had got messed up, I’d tried to make him stop, because I knew it separated him from me. I’d already begun to feel him slipping through my fingers, but he wouldn’t give up. Running had been more important to him than us––me.
Rachel ran with him.
My toes caught in the dried sand and I nearly fell. Billy yanked me up.
“Come on! I want to get in the water.”
“God, you’re no better than a kid!”
That deep chuckle rumbled in his chest.
I was so glad I’d come here with him. I was really starting to feel better; as if I’d escaped. But that thought brought the guilt rolling back in, like a wave sweeping in off the ocean.
We were running over wet sand now, leaving the impressions of our footprints behind, footprints that the tide would wash away, when it came in.
When we reached the water, he didn’t stop but carried on running into the shallow waves.
“Ahh, Billy, it’s freezing!” The sudden cold numbed my bare feet.
“I didn’t have you down for a coward, Lind.” He pulled me on.
“Ahh,” I shivered as the cold water swilled about my shins. I gritted my teeth. My toes were buried in the moving sand.
It was easier being with Jason. Jason never used to press against my boundaries. But Billy had never been like this at college. Well, he had been full of energy like a coiled spring all the time about to burst, but he had never dragged me into any of his wildness like this. I had only ever been his spectator.
I pulled back against his hold as he got deeper. I wasn’t cool with this, the water was freezing, and––
“Frick, Lind, are you gonna be a chicken?”
I squealed when his hand left mine, but then instead, one arm caught about my waist and the other beneath my legs and he lifted me. “Billy!” I gripped his shoulders as he walked deeper, and the waves of freezing water swilled up at us.
I’d had a family vacation in Florida, the water there had been as warm as a bath; it was wonderful. Mom had been in the water with me, holding my hand, and we’d jumped the shallow waves together… I hadn’t felt scared with her.
I clung to Billy, turning my head into his shoulder as the ocean washed up at us and hit his thighs, sending up spray as it also swilled up about his legs. The wave washed on past him, the water level dropping back down to his knees. I watched it travel up the beach over his shoulder and saw it swallow our footprints.
Would memories disappear as easily––washed away by time? I didn’t want to forget anything.
“Have you ever been out in the water up to your middle?”
For years the water had been over my head, but only figuratively, not literally. I had never gone deeper than my thighs because I was too scared of the huge ocean and all the things I couldn’t see. It should have been the future I was afraid of, and what was hidden by time…
Another wave broke onto his thighs, the white foam frothing about us.
“Have you?” he asked again. Then he clarified. “I don’t mean that, I mean have you been into the ocean deeper than your middle?”
“No.”
“Come on, then.” He began walking forward.
“You’ll get hypothermia!”
“I’ll run when we get out, that’ll warm me up.”
My teeth were chattering, even just being in his arms, as the cold spray got me wet.
I gripped his shoulders tighter and he lifted me a little higher.
My gaze caught his. He smiled, then a glint caught in the onyx heart of his eyes. “No!” My fingers clawed. “Don’t you dare drop me!”
“Would I?”
“You were thinking about it.”
“I was letting you think I was thinking about it.”
“You’re nuts, Billy.”
“And going deeper…”
He walked forward. I was laughing, properly laughing, I could feel
